Manzville

Another October 19th

2011-10-20T11:04:00.007-06:00

I still feel badly that Peyton's birthday is shared with the anniversary of Autumn's death. But there really is no getting around it. It wasn't planned - it just is. And the Lord knew what He was doing.

I had a good cry on the night of the 18th. Mourning the little girl who never became part of our family - gone before I knew her. I let myself remember not only her death - but life before she died. Both bring tears.

... and yet - my life is full of contentment. My girls bring me such joy.

Peyton is the walking, talking, jumping, rhyming, running definition of life.
Tenley is mischievous, glowing, affectionate and clever.

I wonder what our family would be like if they really were our second and third child.
I wonder what Autumn would look like now. What she would sound like. So many unknowns. Sometimes, when Peyton is particularly amusing (you know, when your child does something you just shake your head in wonderment at and think, "How did you become like this?") I find myself pausing and thinking about the little life which just vanished from mine. Those moments are still challenging.

I wish we didn't have to plan a graveyard visit and balloon release tomorrow. But I wouldn't trade it. Sharing that experience with Peyton and Tenley is our family's way of marking Autumn's life. She is the reason for so many things.

A journey to the graveyard on October 21st is our life. For better or worse, this is the family we've been given. The history we've lived and the future we have hope for. We are who we are by the grace and purpose of God. That's really good to cling to when my heart threatens to break again.

I miss Autumn. But I have peace.

I love you forever.
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living -
these three girls
my babies will be.

So - we kinda had a baby...

2011-09-19T16:56:00.005-06:00

Back in November of last year.

- Really? C'mon.
I know I've been sporadic - but it hasn't been that long.

But anyway, google has updated a bunch of options to keep blogs fresh and interesting!
Since I was adding a pair of legs (above), I thought, "Why not?" :)

As for current events: Harvest, again. Funny how that happens every year about this time. The girls and I have managed to visit a few of Kurt's (so far) 11 in a row. They're working hard to get all 28 quarters off. We've been so thankful for the good weather... the longer it holds, the faster the crops come off.

I cannot believe our baby is 10-and-a-half months old. That means only one-and-a-half more months of maternity leave. :( Trying to get all that quality mommy one-on-two time in while there are no other demands.

Okay - it is suppertime - and the kids are both howling. Talk to you soon!

Daddy Tells the BEST Stories

2011-08-29T21:15:00.002-06:00

... a warm and sunny afternoon in our sun porch after a trip to the library made for the perfect opportunity to tell the riveting tale of 'Piggy Pie'...
I'm not sure whose expressions I enjoy more: the girl's or Kurt's! :)

About Fear

2011-08-02T21:02:00.004-06:00

It's funny how things come up.

I'm surfing facebook - linking, linking, linking... and all of a sudden I find a link of a family whose baby boy died last month.

He was 10-and-a-half months old. One and a half months beyond where Tenley is.

It's like a literal fist in the stomach. The way the emotion hits, I mean.
The worst of it is that reading about and feeling that family's pain isn't so foreign. The horror of a life-changing discovery... and the same emotions of "This cannot be happening." run though me as I picture the moment she found her dead child.

I can even imagine what it would be like to call the police... family... friends. How to share the unthinkable...

And so - initially - I just cry. For that mom who writes, "I checked 10 times each night. And that night he just looked like he was sleeping peacefully - but he was gone." For the little boy who is so bright and beautiful in the pictures. For his big brother who is now an only child again.

But in the middle of that grief comes a new one emotion.
One I fight with all my being 'cause it's a bad one.

The fear can be overwhelming.
Ahhhh... why sugar coat it?
It is overwhelming. If it wasn't normal to be this way, Jesus wouldn't have had to tell his children how to fight it.

I had to make a hard choice.
Close facebook. Breathe. Be still. Do not run to their room. Pray.

My children are the Lord's gift to me. I have no guarantees. I know His plans for me are good. All the days of my life are leading me to the moment I will fall at His feet with tears and cry "It was all worth it!" I know this will happen. So I must fight to believe it in this fearful moment.

I ask His protection of my little ones as they sleep. To keep their heart's beating - lungs breathing... and all the while I know it could happen to me. My sweet baby girl could die of SIDS.

But my purpose is not to prepare myself for the worst.

It's to prepare myself for whatever He has for me.
I've lived one "worst-case-scenario".
There was no preparing - no planning in the world that could have lessened the sting of that heartbreak.

But Jesus held me. And I know that He still is. And still will. And will never let me go.

After reminding myself of these things, I did - of course! - go check on her.

She startled and gave an annoyed cry at my prodding.
I opened a window to cool it down. I made sure she wasn't over-bundled - and that the fan was blowing on her every once in a while.
I watched her chest rise and fall.
I loved those little baby lip movements and hand twitches.
Her soft spiky hair after her bath... her perfect round little belly stuck up in the air as she stretched her legs out.
I thought about the way her smile lights up the room. How quick she is to giggle, to give affection and be playful...
I cherish everything about that child. I love her so much my heart breaks.

Perhaps - I won't be so grumpy when that same little baby wants to eat 3 times tonight.
Or when she gets angry that I would dare put her back in her own bed.
Or when she wakes up her sister who bellows, "TENLEY!! YOU'RE TOO LOUD FOR MEEEE!" and chaos and confusion reign in our house between the hours of 2 and 5 am...

:)

I'm thinking that maybe the heartache and fear of tonight have accomplished something that needed to be done.
I am reminded of where I've been. I am reminded of the grace that has been shown to me. And I'm reminded of how much I love being a mommy - with all it's ups and downs and sleep deprivation. I remember what it took me to get here: to get them.

I remember how I longed for my arms to be full after Autumn was gone... and how God has given each of my arms a daughter to cuddle.

I have confidence for the future because of my past. Because of what He's already done.

Thank you, Lord.

Happenings

2011-07-26T20:09:00.005-06:00

The last three weeks have been a blur:
- camping with Kurt's folks at Struthers Lake
- both girls getting sick on the SAME night at the lake.
- the recovery process... which included both Kurt and I dealing with being sick, too.
- Kurt's cousin's wedding July16th.
- Our power going off late the evening of July 18th - and staying off until July 20th around 8 pm! (seriously!)
- several days in the city leading up to my little brother's wedding and Peyton's first flower-girl experience! :)
- at the end of the day, she was thrilled to sing "You are my Sunshine" in front of 200 people to her very newest Auntie... Ashley Podhordeski! Congratulations and well wishes to the happy couple as they are honeymooning in the Dominican as I type. :)
Anyway - as the week starts we're in recovery mode.
We've also got a few other things on our plate are taking time and attention. But that's life, right? :)

More updates soon! :)

The Superstore Incident

2011-07-01T19:01:00.005-06:00

AND a VERY happy Canada Day to you! :)

--

So Peyton's power of speech continues to grow by leaps and bounds. She rarely has trouble expressing exactly what she wants us to know. And I've gotten quite used to knowing what she's saying in pretty much every situation.

We were in line at Superstore on Thursday. She was in the first cart (Kurt's) and I was behind with the second and Tenley. She was kinda being "punchy" (our family word for bratty - but not as harsh-sounding, right?) a few minutes before - but seemed momentarily content. She was transfixed on the cashier - a middle-aged woman who was calmly pushing the items over the scanner and toward Kurt who was packing like a madman at the end of the conveyer belt.

I was distracted from my bored perusal of the Soap Opera magazines by Peyton's voice announcing, "She's fat. Fat, fat, fat! Wow! She's so fat!"

To say I was shocked would be an understatement.

"Peyton!" I said sternly, "WHO are you talking about?" (note to other mom's out there who may be potentially embarrassed by their child's total lack of guile - for pity's sake! if the clarification is going to be brutal - don't ask publicly!)

"That lady, mommy." she said.
POINTING at the cashier.
"She's fat!"

The cashier glanced up at me in time to see my horrified expression. As I looked back at her with a mortified apology written all over my face, she simply shrugged and looked down.

"I'm SO sorry. I don't know what she's talking about! You are not fat!" I gasped.

Then, looking at Peyton, I said in my MOST stern voice, "Peyton Grace Elaine. That is not something you say about or to people. It is unkind. Do you understand?"

She was first puzzled, and then sullen and irritated looking as she replied, "Okay, Mommy. I understand."

I probably apologized at least 3 more times - and also reassured the cashier that I would be discussing some things with my daughter later. She - to her immense credit - was very easy-going and said to me, "You know what? Don't worry about it. Really. I just roll with the punches."

Augh! My daughter punched someone with her MOUTH!

And seriously? (My pride reared it's ugly head.) If my TWO year old is saying that kind of stuff in public, WHERE are people going to think she got it from? From her mother, that's who! I'm going to be thought of as one of those moms who bad-mouths other people in front of my kids. No! No! No! NOOOOO!

-- Now, it is important to note that the cashier really wasn't fat - I wasn't just being politically correct and horrified at the child saying something I myself was secretly thinking. Not that she would be allowed to say such a thing even if the person were heavy!

It's also important to note that we don't use that word in our house at all unless we're talking about something on the edge of a piece of bacon. If you ask Peyton why mommy goes on the treadmill or works out, she'll reply, "To be healthy!"

I've never said a word in front of my girls about wanting to lose weight, or being/feeling 'fat', and we don't even own a scale. It helps that I don't think that way about myself. Besides, they'll figure out the world's standard of thin = beauty soon enough - poor things. But I don't want their insecurities to ever be justified by something they see their own mother pursuing/thinking/obsessing about.

Maybe I'll post on this someday - because I've put a lot of thought into it especially having daughters. But not today! :) )

--
Kurt, meanwhile, was so busy packing he was totally oblivious to the entire interaction.
When we rolled up beside each other outside before we headed to the truck, I asked him to stop so we could talk.

"Ask our daughter what she just said to the cashier." I said with a frown.

He looked at me, and then down at Peyton's innocent face staring back at him.
"What did you say, Peyton?" he asked.

"Nothing." she replied simply.

"That's not true, Peyton!" said an indignant mommy. To Kurt, I blurted, "She told the cashier she was fat!"

"What???" said Kurt.
I was glad to see his horror justifying my own.
"Peyton! Why would you say she was fat?"

"I didn't say that!" she replied with a frown.

Taking a big, dramatic breath, she pronounced with great gusto, "Fats. She was really fats."

We stared at her for a series of heartbeats before I replied, "Fast? You were saying she was fast?"

"Yeah!" she replied with a huge grin and her hands passing sideways mimicking a cashier's slide down the conveyer belt. "She was so fatsT!"

Her tongue literally poked from between her teeth to click out the previously missing - and all-important - 'T'.

Oh, the sweet, sweet clarification of an extra consonant.

You better believe I turned my cart around - Tenley and all - and walked right back into that store. Hey, I'm a woman too - and if some little kid looked at me and announced authoritatively that I was fat, it wouldn't matter HOW good I felt about myself. There would be some damage.

When she looked up and noticed me I said, "Just so you know: when we asked our daughter why she said that she clarified that she thought you were very fast at moving the groceries. Not fat."

She paused while looking at me, and then literally laughed out loud. With a big grin, she told me, "Well, that made my day. You're so sweet to come back and tell me!"

I'm not really sure there is a lesson to be learned here. Perhaps something about listening to your kid before you judge them. Perhaps about not letting pride take over...
I dunno. Regardless. We've had a good laugh over it. :) Thought you might as well...

But blogger is having some trouble - so I'd better post this fats!

Family Pictures (by Julie Cortens)

2011-06-30T11:53:00.004-06:00

I know I've been woefully negligent in the blogosphere lately.
Life is just happening at such a quick pace I can barely keep up myself - let alone sit down and type it out. :)

But just to let you know that we're here and still well - some pictures taken last Sunday by our talented friend, Julie Cortens of Julie Cortens Photography - tell the story. Be sure to look at it in slideshow format if you can - the music is perfect! :)

If you're looking for someone creative and fun to take some shots of you or your family, I encourage you to check out her website.

Pretty much anyone who reads this blog knows what Nana's name is - but if you don't (or can't remember) just leave a comment with your email and I'll send it your way. :)

Please let me know what you think - 'cause I have to pick a few favorites! At least the new header for the blog is already taken care of. (lol!)

You can see the slideshow here.

Just Dance!

2011-06-11T12:04:00.002-06:00

I just got a huge smile on my face watching this.

Maybe because the guy (by his willingness to just have fun) is bringing a smile to other people's faces...
Maybe it's refreshing to see someone not caring how other people perceive him...
Maybe it's just 'cause I love the song. :)

Maybe it will make you smile today, too.

"Dance like nobody's watching. Or in this case - like you don't care everyone is watching!" ;)

May Update

2011-05-25T14:47:00.007-06:00

So I became terribly convicted that I've not posted for almost an entire month - and a picture of the kiddos - no matter how adorable - doesn't really count.

--
Kurt and I are finally (and do I mean finally) getting a honeymoon. It came about something like this:

I got a Travelzoo 'top 20' which I perused halfheartedly.
I noticed a massive discount at the Niagara Falls Hilton.
I casually clicked it.
I got excited. And then talked myself out of it. And then I kinda got excited again in a "Hmmm... what if...?" kind of way.

I checked airline prices. I cried. (no not really. that's just for dramatic effect)

I called RBC to find out how many air miles we had fully prepared to find out we were about 25,000 short.
Omigosh. We had exactly enough (like, with 34 to spare)

I called my mom in Arizona with a "what would you do??" request for advice.
She offered on the spot to take the kids.

Our friend Riannon said she could do chores.

Oh man. It's even exciting to re-type!!! :)

I put the whole deal together in a little love-note package that promised to submit to whatever Kurt decided and gave it to him one evening. Lets face it - we're not exactly rolling in the dough these days with me being on mat-leave and he... farming. So I wanted to be really sure my heart wasn't going to be angry and bitter if he said we couldn't swing it. He does the books, after all.

My only request was that he take a few minutes and think and pray - and if I knew he was going to do that, I could handle anything.

He totally went for it! :)

So, June 13th, at 0605 we're flying to the big TO, renting a car and driving to Niagara Falls - staying in luxury room at the Fallsview Hilton for two nights, eating steak, touring vineyards, and yes - even riding the Maid of the Mist (how could we not???) - and landing back in Saskatoon on the 15th at 8:15 pm. The perfect little getaway. Far enough we need to fly there, close enough we don't need to get shots before leaving.

The most amazing concept is thinking about flying there. Holding hands. Drinking hot coffee. No Treehouse TV on the screens in front of us. No one getting pooped on. I swear: that's half the holiday for me. (lol!)

I hope no one misunderstands this excitement. I love being Peyton and Tenley's mommy. We're so blessed to have them - and even this small and needy phase is a gift. It's our life right now, and I'm not complaining. But it is hectic. And it is darn-near impossible to get a date in more often than once every couple of months.

The fact of the matter is that nothing is better for kids than to have two parents crazy-in-love with each other. And I kinda have the feeling this getaway will be good for them to that effect. ;)

So to wrap this up, I'll try to be calm and subtle.

WOOOO-HOOOO!

--
In other news (hard to top that one, right?) we've got our garden patch rota-tilled and planned. One of these evenings we'll get it done.
Also got my pots done. Of course - those pots were on SUPER-sale at Costco and I didn't "do" anything other than hand over my Amex card. But they're on my deck. Lookin' good.

--
I put this on facebook: but when we visited Autumn's grave a few weeks ago, we noticed that someone had left flowers there. We're not sure who - but if you're reading this - thank you. It touched my heart so deeply.

Peyton is also starting to talk about Autumn a lot more. She'll say, "Do you know what?" and when someone says, "What?" she'll get a very sad look on her face and say, "Autumn died." I've felt bad for a couple of people who haven't known what to say.
There really isn't anything to say.

Peyton is also asking a lot of questions.
"Did you put Autumn in the mud?" ("No. She was in a cozy box with a little bed and warm blankets, Peyton."

"Why does she have to stay there?" ("Because this is where people who have died stay.")

"Will Jesus raise Autumn up from the grave?" ("Someday, Peyton, Jesus will come back and everyone will see Him.")

My heart and mind are full and busy these days - but these moments give me pause. I've been able to talk to my second daughter about some of those things that I've wanted to since the day Autumn died. How God sustains me. How His love has held me. How sin is horrible - and why death is in this world. How when Autumn died I prayed and prayed and asked God to give me a little baby - and He gave me Peyton.

I've watched her eyes tear up as she says, "Mommy. I wish my big-sister Autumn didn't die."
("Me too, sweetie. Mommy wishes that very much, too.")

What a place to be in. I'm daily asking God for wisdom and discernment in how to handle both her questions and grief as well as my own. Anyone who would like to ask Him for that for me would be most appreciated. :)

--
Whew.

--
Kurt and I are both heading in different directions this weekend. He's off to bachelor party with Cody and the boys to an unknown location. (He actually does know - but Cody doesn't, so it's on the down-low...)

I am taking both girls, the stroller, my pots which don't yet have flowers in them and a couple of suitcases and heading to Melfort for a few days with Kurt's parents. We're looking forward to our respective times away - should be a lot of fun on both ends. He'll freeze alone in a tent, and I'll be pampered and spoiled. (lol!)

Okay - so maybe that's a little extreme. But in my case, having an extra couple of sets of hands to help with the girls will be lovely. Not to mention I'll eat well! :)

Peyton is going to have Grandpa at the park morning, noon and evening. :)

--
Thanks for reading, everyone! :)

Cousins

2011-05-25T14:25:00.001-06:00

This picture just melts my heart. :)

Hello - and almost goodbye! - May. :)

A Royal Tea Party

2011-04-29T10:00:00.006-06:00

Peyton has been looking forward to today since yesterday.

What can I say? A two-year-old's world is small. :)

Anyway - we arranged to have our satellite reconnected at midnight so that we could get up and watch the wedding at 3:30 this morning. For all the cynics: it's history. The Royals are history - which has always fascinated Kurt and I - so it was worth it. :)

Last night, I made the Devonshire cream, and Kurt made the scones. Smoked up the whole house and had a little adventure trying to keep the smoke detector from waking up our kids - but that's another story. :)

The scones with Devonshire cream and raspberry jam! I was texting Jessica in Ontario who checked to see if I really got up as planned. :)

This morning, Kurt was the first one to get up - and had a little MI when the satellite wasn't connected yet - but the advantage of it being 3:30 am was that it was super-easy to get through to Shaw - and he had it hooked up by 3:45.

He and I watched Kate arrive, marveled at her super-classy dress (okay, more me than him - but he did say, "Yeah. That's a pretty nice dress, I guess.") and watched her walk down the aisle before Tenley made noise. She joined us for the actual service. :)

Playing with Daddy's face because she was bored waiting for the balcony kiss.

My Royal wedding watchers! :)

Anyway, Peyton woke up just after the kiss - but there were enough replays going around that she got to eat her scone and drink her tea (special for this morning) and watch the "pincess" get married.

Picnic: complete with tea and scones!

It obviously impacted her, too. 'Cause later she was crowning Tenley with a teething ring and announcing, "Oh Pincess Tenley - you look bee-u-tiful!"

I - for one- enjoyed the reading of scripture and the music (thought of you, Julie C.!!!) and seeing a young couple not greeted with overwhelming cynicism was a treat. They both exuded class and elegance - so different from Hollywood. To quote Kurt, "Kate Middleton is no Paris Hilton." Understatement, anyone? (lol)

It really is important to me to take joy the happiness of others. "Rejoicing with those who rejoice" is something scripture commands us to do. Heaven knows there's plenty to weep about on a regular basis. Especially lately. But having experienced people willing to do both - weep and rejoice - for our family - it feels good to wish a new family all the best. :)

So there you go! Fun times in the Manz house - even it was ridiculously early! :)

She Bakes!

2011-04-22T11:32:00.009-06:00

Some kind of strange phenomenon has taken over our house. It's one of those "wha...???" kind of things - where no such occurrence has ever happened.

I've started to bake.

Toffee. Cookies. Popcorn variations. Cakes. Muffins.

And - here's the truly strange part - they've been turning out. Ridiculously good stuff.

other then the batch of one dozen chocolate chip banana muffins that may
*cough*.... (waving hands dismissively)...
... have been made with salt instead of sugar ...

What was that? My conscience demanding truthful transparency?
Pshaw.

Moving on!

Previously, if Kurt wanted something of a baked-nature, he kinda had to pull out the ingredients and go for it. I watched cautiously from the sidelines - lest by my simply entry to the kitchen I should cause something to burn.

I think the door opener was the toffee. For those of you who check my links at the side, I've been liberated by the "Girl Who Ate Everything" blog. When I saw the title "saltine cracker toffee" I thought to myself, "I love toffee. What the heck. I'll go look at the recipe."

And when I looked at it, I thought, "Wow. That looks easy. Foolproof, even. What the heck. I'll see if I have all the ingredients."

With all the ingredients located, the children appropriately distracted or napping, and Kurt on the phone in the other room so as not to discourage my crazy thinking with a "YOU'RE going to bake???" comment, I found I was - indeed - baking. And you know what, folks? It was freakin' delicious toffee.

What the heck???

Last night, I was waiting for Kurt to get home and was almost falling asleep on the couch. To show how truly radical this shift has been, I'll illustrate my thought process while my eyes were closing:

"Geez. I'm sleepy. I should make some cookies to stay awake."

Augh! The insanity!
It's even infringing on my subconscious!

When Kurt came in, he said something along the lines of "total silence" which was - as it appears - a big dramatic nothing.
I didn't even know he was in the kitchen until I turned around and saw him standing there with his jaw slack.

(Okay, okay. That was an exaggeration, I guess. :)
But he was shocked enough to say, "What are you doing?" even though I think it should have been somewhat obvious what with the bowl, hand-mixer and the evidence of chocolate chip cookie dough around my lips...)

To his credit, he didn't say a whole lot more after that. Even though it would not have shocked me to hear to hear:
"Where was this woman the first 8 years of marriage??"
or
"I like my new wife!"
or
(gently and with concern) "Do you think you could be having hormone issues, honey?"

I think he should just sit back and enjoy this phase. Yes. Phase. Cause I really can't see myself keeping this up. Baking is expensive and time consuming. Oh - and not to mention it completely flies in the face of that whole treadmill thing I'm trying to maintain.

And it's stressful, people! Fold this, beat that, cream slowly for an exact amount of time... use baking soda not powder, poke things with toothpicks, let it sit, take it out right away! Yada, yada, yada. Baking is so bossy and exact.

It's crazy. And I'm crazy to attempt it!
(taking a deep breath, and a mental step back from pre-bake-master Kendall's angst...)

Sigh.
All that being said, though: seeing Kurt's eyes close in satisfaction as he slowly chews one of my chocolate chip cookies - and hearing him say, "Wow. These are the best cookies I've ever had." is pretty gratifying.

So I guess - for now - I'll just go with it. :)

The Kids Are Napping...

2011-04-21T14:30:00.005-06:00

We're slowly recovering from my bout with a true flu these past 2 weeks. It started with aches and pains, and progressed through the entire respiratory tract. Kurt and the girls all got sick to - but I'd like to think I cleared the path through the rough stuff 'cause none of them got as sick as me.
--
Kurt and I have a new nephew as of this morning: welcome to Kempton Gordon! :)
--
I cannot believe it's been a month since we came home from Arizona. At least the 6-foot drifts are gone...
--
We ditched all television in favor of Netflicks. So far, so good. And who can doubt the total value of unlimited movies and various documentaries and tv shows for only $7.99 a month? Really. Who??
--
Did I mention that Peyton is going to be a flower-girl for Cody and Ashley in July? Picked up the pattern (just before I got the flu) and have arranged for a lady in town to make it. Hope it all works out - all of a sudden we only have a few months left!
--
C'mon summer - we're ready for you!!!

The Sound of Silence

2011-04-14T19:06:00.005-06:00

My mom sent me a text me this morning with the news that the music player on my blog was no longer working due to licensing restrictions in Canada

When I checked it out - I was even more sad than I thought I would be to see the player refuse to load up.

I added that play list very shortly after Autumn died. The songs I chose to put on there reflected my heart - my grief and struggles to believe that my God was sovereign and loving in the midst of tragedy. In fact, the initial songs were the ones we played at Autumn's funeral before and after the service. Each song has always been purposefully added - each has meaning to my life as the last 3-and-a-half years have gone by.

I've often - over the years - simply tuned to my own blog site and let the music play while I go on other websites, walk on the treadmill, scrapbook or talk on the phone. And the funny thing is that I'm not the only one who has done that. Many of you have let me know what a blessing you've found it to be in the seasons of your life. While I'm well-aware that many people will pause the music player to read - enough of you have let me know how God has spoken to your heart to encourage me to keep it up.

It really has been the reflection of my heart: and I'm genuinely sad to see it 'gone'. If you read this blog from the States, you'll have to let me know if the music still plays. If not, I'll take down the player until I find another Canadian-available option to add to the blog.

Thanks Lord, for the time it was there.

You Know Spring Has Arrived When...

2011-04-12T17:58:00.002-06:00

Evening walks resume (even while I have a horrible cold! :-P)

Little Miss Muffet

2011-03-31T19:20:00.004-06:00

A few years back I got bit by a spider - and it caused a serious-enough reaction that I could not move my left arm. The doctor gave me a mega-strong antibiotic to counteract any possible infection - and that was that.

(I remember thinking out loud to my South African doctor at the time, "Geez. Isn't the supposed lack of poisonous spiders one of the reasons why I live in Canada?")

Anyway, life after that was kinda paranoid about spiders for a while. Every little tickle I'd feel, every little brush of my own hair on my neck or cheek.... blech. I'd throw back the covers on my bed each night to just make sure there wasn't anything lurking there to feast on my flesh.

Eventually I got over it.

The other night - about 1:30 am to be precise - I felt a tickle on my face/neck area. Enough that it woke me up. My thought process went something like this:

"That feels like a spider crawling."

"Naw... you always think that and it never is."

"It's probably just my own hair."

"Yep... that's all it is. Relax and go back to sleep."

And - feat of amazing feats - I did just that.

The next morning when I made the bed I noticed a black rolled up ball of something by my pillow. Upon closer examination I made a horrified gasp.

I threw back the covers and sure enough - evidence of a spider. Pieces of it were strewn through the whole length of the bed.

I immediately got itchy. Then I examined myself from head-to-toe for bite marks. But - in this case, anyway - it looks like this spider was simply jaywalking in the wrong place at the wrong time. As in - that stupid sucker was crawling across my face and neck when I brushed "my hair" out of the way.

My one consolation is that he looks to have died a horribly violent death.

Ick.

2009 & 2011 (2nd attempt!)

2011-03-28T22:29:00.003-06:00

Same pose.
Same stroller.
Same Mommy.
(although perhaps slightly slimmer-faced in the lower one? :))

Different baby!
(I'm sorry for these somewhat repetitive posts on how similar the girls look - but I'm always surprised by it myself and love to share all that I think about. ;-D)

Yeah. So...

2011-03-25T11:09:00.001-06:00

In case I forgot to mention: we went to Arizona - had a blast - and now we're home. Sigh.
A glimpse of a couple family members in warmer times... :)
(doesn't Peyton look so grown-up???)

Best Political Add EVER!

2011-03-10T10:43:00.005-06:00

*pause the music player*

A little more to the American-style campaigning than Canadian - but nevertheless...

I love that it's approved by summer and paid for by spring and fall... :)

(Thanks 22words)

A Thousand-Word Picture

2011-03-06T16:17:00.002-06:00

Tenley met Great Grandma Manz (Grandpa Gord's mom) for the very first time. They really enjoyed one another - and I love how this shot captures the mutual delight. :)

We Don't Have the Blues...

2011-03-04T11:55:00.001-06:00

But maybe the purples?
(chuckle!)

This honestly wasn't planned - but just before supper last night we noticed that all three of us Manz-girls were wearing various shades of purples, mauve and violet.
Kurt snapped the picture to capture the moment. :)

Hmmmm....

2011-03-01T18:16:00.002-06:00

Which one is my baby, again? ;)

post script: Today at lunch she laughed out loud - belly laughed! - for the first time. Apparently my method of eating a salmon sandwich is hilarious. :)

Where Did February Go? (it got buried under all that snow, I guess...)

2011-02-25T09:18:00.011-06:00

Helloooo!

Tenley is napping and Peyton is enjoying her daily dose of the Mickey Mouse Club - so I've literally got about 8 minutes to give a quick update.

We got through the family's second round of colds last week. Not as scary as the first: no hospitalizations now that Tenley can actually turn her head to cough. It made for some grumpy days with Peyton - who one day told Kurt, "I feel crummy, Daddy." Truer words were never spoken. She used up almost a whole bottle of childrens Advil - but the drippy nose has finally stopped. So glad that's over... and praying spring will quickly arrive! (Hard to imagine with the 6-foot snow pile by the driveway - but a girl can hope, right?)

Speaking of snow: I won't say this often because I am severely lacking storage space: but I am very thankful we don't have a basement this year. When all that snow starts to melt, I don't have to worry about getting a sump pump in gear. That said: we might just up and float away in this-here trailer... but that's another trial for another day. ;)

These days find me working on being a good mom. And I don't mean that lightly. I ordered the book "Don't Make Me Count to Three" a few weeks ago. The first 3 chapters have already just reinforced to me what a major responsibility it is to be these girl's mommy. Needless to say, feeling that has caused me to seek out God more: making a daily time to read and pray for me (ahem!) them. ;)

I've cut waaay back on facebook and (duh.) blogging time. We've been baking and doing laundry and singing and dancing the days away. We're currently working on perfecting Usher's amazing leg-jives from the video "DJ's got us falling in love." (I did not claim that everything were were doing was profitable.)

We're not going stir crazy yet - but when we get close I enforce the non-optional nap time. It's good to be the boss. (Baa-ha-ha.)

And... (3 minutes left)... it's cold. Super-cold. Even by middle-Saskatchewan standards. -36 this morning. (-32.8 F) before windchill.

That's crazy cold.

Kurt has to haul pigs today - so I'm praying he and they all stay safe and warm as they travel. I'm also thanking the Lord for a furnace that is running consistently (albeit often!) - and a vent right by my feet as I type.

I have to admit that I'm counting down the days until we leave this vast and barren land for the hot version of it down south. Arizona, here we come! :) T-minus 17 days until departure...

Okay - must run - but a picture before I depart!Baba (my dad's mom) made Tenley's toque and mittens - and Peyton wanted to be part of the picture, too. It's winter, people - look at my kids! :)

Ack! Tenley is crying in the other room: short and sweet. Talk to you ~~sometime within the next month or so~~ soon!

kendall

Sisters (at 3 months)

2011-02-07T21:21:00.001-06:00

A Gift

2011-01-25T23:40:00.002-06:00

I bought a lotion today at Superstore - it was kinda random - I needed a brand to deal with winter skin and this one fit the bill.
I didn't remember if I'd ever tried it before - and it wasn't an issue as Kurt and the girls were waiting for me to cash out and I just needed to choose one and go.

When I got home I had a quick bath and broke out the new lotion to get ready for bed.

The scent was familiar at first - and I vaguely registered I had used it before.
But like a sudden flash of lightning the memory became crisp and clear - bringing tears.
I pressed my eyes shut and sat on the edge of the bed and let my mind go back in time.

I had bought that lotion before Autumn was born - to take to the hospital in my bag for use after delivery.
The day she was born, I used that lotion after I showered. When I held her, I smelled it. Her blankets I brought home smelled like it. In the weeks after her death I would go into her room and hold that yellow blanket and weep... clinging to something physical - trying to create and maintain connections with the child I never had a chance to know.

Eventually, the blanket lost it's scent. The lotion ran out and I never bought the same kind.

Life moved on - and I have felt for a long time all I had was the pictures. On October 21st, 2007, I was in physical pain, as well as shock. I've not even been sure I have any real memories of that day. It's kind of like looking at pictures of your childhood: you might think you remember something... but it's really only just a vague impression that has been reinforced by the snapshots you see in photo albums. I'll be honest: this has grieved me deeply. It's like the most momentous event in my history: and I don't even feel like I was fully present.

That's the incredible impact of today.
I had no idea, but my aching, inexperienced, brand-new-mommy heart did take measure - even in the shock and grief - it latched on to something to remember.

Like a perfume, or a particular brand of laundry detergent often characterizes people to us... this lotion is the smell of Autumn. It's in my heart. And my heart is remembering more clearly than it has in a very long time the feel of her tiny body - her little fingers and toes... and her scent.

3 years and 3 months after the most horrible day of my life, I'm faced with the bittersweet discovery that I do have more of her than mere pictures. My heart has stored a memory of her as clear as those of her sister's baby-fresh scents.

It's like finding a long-lost treasure I didn't even know was missing.
It hurts, though. Enough to bring tears.
But it's something 'new' of her that I can have for me for the rest of my life.

I love you forever, Autumn. Tonight more than ever... because with every breath, it's like you are in my arms again.
I miss you so terribly, baby girl... but I'm grateful.

Thank you, Jesus.

Why I Haven't Been Blogging...

2011-01-22T22:30:00.003-06:00

I'm reading stories, doing puzzles, changing diapers, and organizing stuffed animals by the categorization of "farm" or "wild". :)
Not to mention the seemingly sudden entry of our oldest into the 'terrible-twos'. This current and ongoing development of her character is making each day a constant effort to give her all the love and adoration my heart is full of - while consistently continuing to parent her. She's a lot of fun - but a lot of work lately.

Exhausting? Ha! Just look at me in the picture below for your answer!

But I don't care. This is a phase. A short one. I am shocked at how quickly Peyton became a "big" girl... I'm cherishing this time with my daughters.
Daughters. Plural.

Thank you, Jesus, that they are both with us...

Someday - maybe not too far away, actually - I'll get back to it. I'll all of a sudden have a few spare minutes a day when I'm not thinking about making lunch, taking a nap, doing laundry or getting on that pesky treadmill.
Those are all things which make me feel better in the end - but boy! Are they ever a lot to deal with some days! (lol!)

There have been lots of things running through my head in the moments when I'm not "mommy-ing". I'm trying to hide them in my heart to share later. I trust that the important things will not completely vanish into the fog...

But for now - I'm really loving this special time with my two little girls. :)

For those of you who still check: thank you. We're well. Keep checking - 'cause you just never know when I'll pop back in... ;)

Two Months

2011-01-07T10:33:00.002-06:00

Our smiley little girl... :)

Peyton said, "Take my picture too, Mommy!" :)
26 months and already a poser... lol!

Monkey See...

2010-12-31T11:00:00.003-06:00

Scene:
Peyton fiddling with remote for portable DVD player at table after supper.
Mommy and Daddy casually visiting when their daughter's actions come to their notice.

Mommy: What are you doing, Peyton?

Peyton (without looking up and still pressing buttons): I'm teckting Papa.

Parents exchange odd looks.

Mommy to Daddy (quietly): Did she just say what I think she just said?

Daddy: Peyton? What are you doing?

Peyton (raising her eyes slowly and appearing somewhat exasperated at having to repeat herself when it should be more-than obvious she is busy): I am teckting Papa, Daddy.

Pretty sure that wasn't one of my play-pretend scenarios as a 2-year-old...

Oh Holy Night

2010-12-24T14:08:00.005-06:00

*a "pause-the-music-player" post*

I'm not a huge fan of most Christmas albums - seems like a gimmick for most in the music industry to cash in on this time of year. That said, I could see myself buying this particular one. :)

I've liked these guys a lot ever since I saw their overwhelmed and humble reaction when Celine Dion surprised them on Oprah.

The harmonies give me literal goosebumps.

Plus - some voices just suit Christmas music. This is probably one of the most stirring versions I've ever heard of this song - one of my favorites. Hope you enjoy as much as I did!

Merry Christmas, everyone!
--

The Canadian Tenors - O Holy Night
Uploaded by UniversalMusicGroup. - Explore more music videos.

Still Here!

2010-12-19T11:42:00.001-06:00

Busy preparing for Christmas as well as living real life.

Let me just say that I'm so thankful for makeup these days... it covers up a multitude of sleep-deprived nights. (grin)

Joy

2010-12-06T12:02:00.009-06:00

Last night at about 12:30 am Tenley and I were both awake.
I was trying to sleep - but hearing her little baby-noises coming from the bassinet made it difficult. She wasn't fussing - just 'talking'.

Then all of a sudden it hit me:
We came really close to losing her this week. I have no doubt that without the medical attention she received, she would have sustained long-term injury, or worse. The beautiful, sweet, content little girl who has only been part of our lives for 3 weeks could have been lost to us so easily. It happens to others... why not to us?

I clearly remember how I would have given anything in the weeks after Autumn died to spend sleepless nights with my baby.

So with a prayer of thanks to the Lord that the reason I wasn't able to sleep was those very sweet baby-noises, I clicked on the light and picked her up.

Kurt - fortunately - can sleep through pretty much anything... because she and I had a conversation about how good Jesus is, and how much I love her and am thankful that God has given her to me.

Eyes wide open, she gave the impression of listening intently.
And then it happened.

She smiled at me.

Three times. While singing to me.
And there was no gas involved, either. ('cause you bet I was listening for it even as I was exalting in the toothless grin...)

Today I was taking her one-month piggy pictures: and just in case I could have thought it was a fluke, she did several repeats of the same big grin.
Peyton didn't smile until she was almost 11 weeks: after Christmas.

Tenley isn't even 4-and-a-half weeks old.

I woke Kurt up with an exclaimed, "Look honey! She's smiling!"
I think he raised his head off the pillow and muttered, "That's great..." but since I'm highly doubting he remembers that exchange, I guess it's a good thing she's in the mood to repeat. (chuckle)

What a gift this child is... the joy in my heart today is overwhelming.
Thank you, thank you for your prayers and love: here and on facebook and in private emails... I am a blessed woman to have friends who care and reach out.

The song on my music player while I type is Light Up The Sky. It's the very last one (#42)... Give it a listen - crank it up, even. I dare you. (grin)

With palms open and up, eyes closed, and tears nearing the surface - it's my prayer regarding the events of the past week.

Love to all...

Tenley Update

2010-12-05T18:55:00.002-06:00

I know some of you know - but others won't:
We took Tenley to the emergency room on Wednesday the 1st because she was in respiratory distress: her lips and face were blue, she wasn't eating and she was lethargic.

It was probably the scariest day of my parenthood so far.

It was determined that she was likely in an acute phase of some virus - although meningitis was not able to be ruled out due to her symptoms.

They immediately (as immediately as they can with a less-than-one-month-old) started a scalp IV and placed her on a heart monitor. The monitor indicated that, yes, she was not well saturated with oxygen and she was also experiencing multiple episodes of bradycardia - a slow heart-rate. When they tried to get her to nurse, she turned blue and her heart rate dropped below 60. In a baby that young, they get worried with anything below 90 - so it was determined that she was probably so full of 'something' she wasn't connecting the suck/swallow reflex. They gave an 'npo' order (no oral intake) until further notice.

The long and the short is that Kurt and Peyton headed back to Leask while Tenley and I headed upstairs to the pediatric isolation unit.

The doctor we talked to seemed to be fairly confident it was a virus: but with that possiblity of meningitis they wanted to do a lumbar puncture... that thought of which put me into tears. She was such a trooper with the blood draws (twice!) and the two unsuccessful IV pokes (they tried her hands first) and the successful start, plus two catheterizations for urinalysis - but I knew the LP would be horrible. However, due to her heart rate dropping so severely when she tried to nurse, they weren't willing to risk stressing her more with a LP that night and opted to hit her with three broad-spectrum antibiotics 'just in case'. I was more than okay with it.

Fast forward: it took just under 72 hours - but her nasal swabs came back positive for para-influenza (a virus) and her blood and urine cultures were negative by Saturday afternoon. The antibiotics were overkill (don't need them for viral infections) but at the time it was the best course in case it was a meningeal infection. The biggest difference probably was the 48-plus hours of IV fluids... I'm thankful to live in 2010, if you know what I mean!

I've shed a lot of tears over the past few days: my goal during everything was to trust God with my precious gift - and know He would take care of me. But it has been a battle. I'm exhausted from the days and nights at the hospital - plus the emotional strain of being on the pediatrics unit...

... but we're home and she's doing well.
She's snuffly, but alert and hydrated and eating like crazy. Praise God.

For everyone who knew and prayed - not to mention those who extended offers of help! - thank you. For the rest of you: sorry for the delay in information - but things are good now.

Please pray for continued healing for Tenley, wisdom for me as I observe her - and thank God that He has let us keep her for a while longer. I'm worn out - but very, very thankful.

Goodnight for now from the Manz house. :)

Matching Jammies

2010-11-26T09:56:00.002-06:00

Kinda a self-explanatory title, isn't it? :)

Never having had a sister, this wasn't part of my life growing up - but I can see why people do this to their kids...
It's so stinkin' cute! (lol!)

(Christy V: Not sure if you read the blog - but just in case: thanks for the awesome pjs! :))

A Perfect Day For...

2010-11-24T21:34:00.002-06:00

Baking cookies with Daddy!
(and using the new apron made for you by Gramma Lori!)

Besides: what else are you going to do when it's -25???

"Auntie Kendall"

2010-11-24T12:11:00.003-06:00

The above title sounds good, I think. :)

My brother, Kiley, and his wife, Jessica had their "little" (8lb, 3oz, 20&3/4 inch) boy last night just after 7:00 pm. He was born on his actual due date, people!

I'm SO impressed!

Welcome Kaden James Podhordeski!
Auntie Kendall is already in love with you - and she's only seen pictures!

Your cousin, Peyton, is already practicing your name - and informed me, "Baby out Auntie Jess tummy." (We've been practicing understanding of that concept four a couple of weeks... she knows that Tenley came out of Mommy's tummy at the "ho-pee-tal"...)

Tenley is preparing to be the older cousin - although you already dwarf her by a good half-a-pound - if not more! I'm sure all this sleeping she's doing is just to grow and catch up... ;-D

Praising God for my nephew's safe arrival - and his parent's (especially his Mommy's) endurance!

My Daughters

2010-11-22T11:29:00.004-06:00

Life is pretty much absorbed with being a mommy these days.

Tenley's days and nights are righteously mixed-up. :)
Peyton daily bids for attention I'm trying my best to give.
Kurt is working really hard to get the barn fully winterized as winter has officially arrived - so that means some long hours with the girls in my snowbound house.
Thank goodness for satellite tv and a new season of What Not To Wear. (grin)

Life is good. Hectic but good.
Hopefully I can blog soon.
Hopefully. :)

I told Kurt that Tenley brings Autumn to mind more than Peyton did for some reason.
I think it's her eyes.
When closed, they remind me so much of Autumn on that last and only day of holding her. Peyton's eyes were smooth when she had them closed.
Autumn and Tenley both have wrinkles.
I never saw a resemblance between Autumn and Peyton - but Tenley brings glimpses and reminders of both her big sisters.
Genetics are a strange thing at times...

I wonder if God is giving me a glimpse of what my beautiful firstborn baby girl would have looked like had those eyes opened.

These are bittersweet musings... pain mingled with humble thankfulness and joy for our third daughter's safe arrival.

But I do miss Autumn these days. More than in a while. Tenley's life is bringing to mind, on a daily basis, the loss of her oldest sister.

Not expected emotions on my part.
I guess I should learn to stop thinking I know what to expect. (chuckle)
I'm not depressed - lest anyone be worried. But I am reflective. That's not a bad thing.
Honest. :)

Thanks to everyone who continues to keep our family in your thoughts and prayers. :)

One Week Later

2010-11-13T15:11:00.005-06:00

- The gas issues seem to have resolved. It hasn't been too bad... just enough that she curls up her legs and cries uncomfortably. The gripe water has relieved her both quickly and effectively. So far, no indication she's fighting a nasty bout of colic. Yay! :)

(There could be a bunch of "so far" comments in this post, I think... lol!)

- Peyton has adjusted well (so far - see?). Today she came in from her visit with Baba and Gydo (went to see the horses, kitties and Lexi (the dog)) and said, "Where Tenley?" the second she walked into the room. After asking to hold her, and doing so for a few minutes, she leaned in, kissed her sister gently on the forehead and whispered, "I miss you, sister." Awwww....

- Sleep. (slowly shaking head...) Well, it isn't like I had high expectations, anyway. (lol!) Besides, this phase really only lasts a little while in the grand scheme of things...
Tenley is starting to schedule herself - just at odd hours. My mantra is to not get used to anything - 'cause when (not if - when) she changes, I'll just be that much more ready to go with the flow. :)

- As of the Public Health Nurse's visit on Wednesday, Tenley had not only regained her birth weight - but gained another half-ounce. Weigh (ha! pun!) to go, kiddo.

- On that note: she DOES like to eat. And eat. And EAT. So the jaundice is fading - not that she was that bad in the first place, but it's almost unnoticeable now. She also poops a lot more than Peyton did. Not too many blown-out diapers yet, though. (I said "yet" - same as "so far"...)

- The birth story is still in the works. Suffice to say that I'm thankful for the doctors and nurses around me - and the mainstream accepted low-intervention approach mindset that exists in health care here.
If we had been on TLC's Baby Story, the docs would have been telling me several days earlier: "You're not progressing. I think we need a c-section."
(I don't know how many times I've yelled at the TV while watching that show, "Good grief! What's the rush???" No wonder one-in-three births result in sections down there when they have no patience! - ahem... rant over. lol!)
As appealing as it would have been to meet Tenley a few days earlier, my health care team was perfectly alright with letting it take as long as needed and with as natural of an approach as possible to get things moving. Which - eventually - it did. Whoa-boy... did it ever. :)

- I hear Peyton waking up, so I should go spend some time with her before Tenley wakes up and needs me again.

Thanks for reading, everyone! :)

Genetics?

2010-11-13T11:29:00.001-06:00

People have been telling me the girls look alike.

What do you think?

Update (sorry this is the best I can do right now)

2010-11-09T16:44:00.001-06:00

I just gotta say that gripe water is the best baby invention ever.

*yawn*

Getting There and Going Home

2010-11-08T12:09:00.003-06:00

Two shots which - when I viewed them on a screen bigger than my Canon - brought tears to my eyes...

Pure joy.

My heart overflows with it.

Thank you, dearest Jesus, for these three precious gifts you have given me...

The 3 Manz Girls

2010-11-07T23:02:00.002-06:00

Tenley Breanna Lynn Manz came into the world November 6th, at 0741 hrs.
She weighed 7 lbs, 0 ounces, and is 20-and-a-half inches long.
Our hearts are full of joy!

But we are POOPED-OUT, people.
I tell ya... not exactly how we planned it to go... but stay tuned. :)

Full story to follow, I promise - asap. What that means with a toddler in who is in full-blown mommy & daddy withdrawal and a newborn is yet to be defined.
But I'll do my best... lol!

Thank you, thank you for all the prayers and hope sent our way. :)
Love,
Kurt, Kendall
Peyton & Tenley

November 2nd

2010-11-02T08:33:00.007-06:00

It's true... the day we've been waiting for for months is almost here.
November 3rd is tomorrow.

I still have to pack that darn hospital bag. I know, I know.
Bad. I really do know that.
(parts of it are 'stacked-neatly' in my room - ready for placing in a bag... so it isn't all bad)

But - I dunno... deep down I just kinda know I won't go into labor early. It isn't even something that runs in my family (maternal side, anyway).
Having been through this twice before, I think there would be a few more signs - and I never got that sense.

That said - if I'm wrong and my water breaks in the next two hours - you have my permission to say, "Silly-procrastinator, Kendall."

But the girl's (plural!) room is done.
And absolutely delightful! :)

Kurt did a super job of building a closet-organizer - from scratch. I told him what I wanted (handed him a scrap of paper and said, "Can you build this closet for me by next week, honey?"), and he did all the measuring, cutting, painting, and placement.

Everything fit perfectly the first time. I'm so proud of him.
Peyton - after seeing the completed project for the first time - said, "Wow! Good job, Daddy!" I think that might have meant even more to him than my praise. :)

All of the kid's clothes now have a place in the closet, and the change-table can be kept solely for diapers, blankets, bedding and receiving blankets. A dream come true...

Peyton is beyond thrilled at her big-girl bed. The first thing she did when she saw it put together this morning (we finished up after she went to bed in our room last night) was grab a book off her shelf and "read" in her bed. She also keeps looking at the two new pink walls and exclaiming, "Wow! Pink!" with a big grin. :)

(Funny story: After the first coat, Kurt stood back and said, "We're promoting our own breast-cancer awareness with this room." lol!)

The only things missing are the closet doors, toy box and the new baby's name-lettering.

The first item is in Saskatoon waiting for pickup at Rona. (We had to custom-order them because the size of the opening isn't 'standard'.)

The second is waiting for pick-up at my parent's house (a 3rd generation toy box, no less!). It will likely go at the foot of Peyton's bed (where that tub is now).

The third is an item custom made by my dear friend Katrina - who has her own family (including a baby daughter!) to contend with. :) But we'll eventually get it hooked up - and the letters will go above the crib just like Peyton's are above her bed.

Both the first and second item(s) have to be primed and painted - but Kurt has this lovely thing called a 'heated garage' which makes painting an easy task even in the dead of winter. :)

Having a room which can hold the belongings of two children in an organized fashion made us decidedly more relaxed - versus last week when we were thinking something along the lines of, "Where the heck are we gonna put TWO kids??"

It also helped that I was successful at washing, sorting and organizing all of Peyton's old clothes. I purged just the right amount of "stuff" to assure I'm not overwhelmed later.

Today holds the intensive house-cleaning that has been severely neglected the past few weeks.

(I need clean bathrooms before I can go give birth. Is that strange?
(I already know your answer, Jen V.T. - lol!
Disclaimer: I will not be washing my floors on my hands-and-knees today!)

Laundry (including sheets, clothes and towels) washed, winter-bedding on, dusting, garbage out, fridge cleaned, and - of course - the bathrooms, vacuuming and washing the floors (with a mop!) are all on the list.

Basically, I don't want to worry about anything but sleeping and nursing when I get home. :)

Anyway... thanks to all who are praying for us. Peace of mind seems to be a harder thing to fight for as we get closer. Even last night as we finished the girl's room, I was dealing with, "What if..." thoughts.

But I am choosing to trust God with hope - which is pretty all-encompassing - be it hope that all things will turn out well - or hope that He has done and will always do what is best for us.

I'll do my best to keep you posted! :)

K-OS

2010-10-27T16:17:00.003-06:00

My life, that is.
(I do love the Steve Carell version of Get Smart. Saw the malfunctioning cone-of-silence scene on TV the other day and started laughing out loud...)

I thought about taking a picture of my bedroom - which currently has all of Peyton's clothes from the last 2 years in various stages of sorting and stacking... what to keep and what to give away?

(If I keep a third of what Peyton owned, this next one is still gonna be one trendy baby!)

Today I said to Kurt, "Well. I guess I should get about packing that hospital bag."
Bless his heart. All he said was, "Yeah, that would be a great idea, Kendall."

This, of course, led to taking out all the tubs of clothes for sorting, etc - 'cause I have to put baby clothes in my hospital bag, too, right?

How do I have only one week to go and still feel like it's gonna be forever until I meet this baby?

Oh well... whatever gets done, gets done. The rest can wait.
In k-os, I guess.

Shock? (no, not really)

2010-10-26T11:15:00.003-06:00

I gotta say I don't mind the snow.
Despite my girlfriend not being able to visit today (next time, Shiela!).
Despite Kurt having to go to Shellbrook for a truck check-up. (glad it's a 4x4)
Despite the chill - and the swirling snow tornadoes outside...

I have a warm house with TWO furnaces, cozy clothes and no need to venture outside today.

Besides - it's kinda like biting the bullet, you know?
We knew "it" was coming.
It's here now.
So we move on with the year.

Thanks God for the changing seasons...
(but I do pray it is nicer this weekend and next week as we head to Saskatoon to hopefully meet BManz III!)

Happy Birthday Autumn

2010-10-21T18:01:00.003-06:00

3 years already...

We purchased 3 balloons, which worked with with it being her 3rd birthday - as well as there being 3 of us. We sang "Happy Birthday" with Peyton filling in the "you" parts with "Autumn".

Peyton released not only her own balloon - but helped with mine as well. She watched them fly away for as long as her little eyes would allow.
When she turned and noticed her mommy and daddy's tears, she came up to us and hugged both our legs.

The story of the puppy...

We bought this little dalmatian puppy for Autumn's grave last year - and took it home a few months ago to get it cleaned up. But after it was washed, Peyton noticed it in a batch of laundry and became quite attached to it. She refers to it as "Autumn's puppy".

We asked her to leave it for her sister on her birthday - but I wasn't going to force the issue. I told her if she left it for a while, we would come back in a few months and take it home again to clean up and care for.
She teared up and said, "No, mommy." and I was prepared to let the whole thing go. She's only two, after all...

But to my amazement, she gave it a big hug, then walked over and placed it on Autumn's grave all by herself... and then started to cry in earnest - that's the above picture.
But she never once asked for it back. All she said was, "Autumn's bushdee."

She clung to her Daddy for a few tearful moments after he picked her up. She rested her head on his shoulder, then sat up, wiped her eyes and said, "Come'mere, Mommy."
When I got close, she reached out and put her little arm around my neck - then held us both close and gave us kisses on our cheeks.

Her sweetness brought more tears - but joyful ones at just the right time. She truly is such sunshine in my life... and having her be both aware of her sister - and to hear her little voice say Autumn's name were both gifts of today.
It was a good day - thanks to those who I know are praying for us...

Custom Bushdee Shirt

2010-10-20T08:43:00.005-06:00

Attention wives, mommies, sisters, aunties, grandmas... and men who think ahead and like to get unique gifts. (?)

Ha-ha! Okay - not to male-bash - but that last one might be a stretch...

Regardless of who you are! Check it out!
My friend, Amber, makes these awesome - custom-order designs. :)

Although in hindsight I should have ordered Peyton once size larger (how did this kid get so long-bodied???) - the shirt exceeded my expectations in both quality and cuteness.

Peyton - throughout the day - kept looking down and saying, "Happee Bushdee!" (see above picture and imagine it...) *chuckle*

Christmas is coming, right? In fact, I think I saw a "Christmas is only 9-and-a-half weeks away!" status on Facebook this morning...

Check it out, everyone! You won't be disappointed.

For Comparison's Sake...

2010-10-20T08:22:00.002-06:00

So much more hair...

But similar personalities... (lol!)

2 Years

2010-10-19T16:53:00.002-06:00

Happy birthday, Peyton Grace Elaine.
I could not even begin to describe the joy, peace and healing having you in our lives has brought me.
We love you, baby girl! :)

Autumn Remembered

2010-10-15T12:17:00.012-06:00

It just so happens that the official day chosen to remember little ones lost was her due date.

Robert Munsch has given me the perfect words of reflection regarding my feelings on the life and death of my firstborn daughter.

"I love you forever. I love you for always.
As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be..."

"To lose ones parent is to lose the past.
To lose ones spouse is to lose the present.
To lose ones child is to lose the future."

--unknown

I know my future was not truly 'lost'. I still live. And I love my 2nd and 3rd daughters with renewed hope .

But when I look at this picture - especially Kurt's expression - I experience, again, how it felt to lose the hopes and dreams we held for her.

One short day was not enough for this Mommy.
We miss you, Autumn.

"Mad"

2010-10-10T13:33:00.002-06:00

She was already starting to crack up.

Amateur.

Hey! We're Twins!

2010-10-09T11:43:00.001-06:00

Kinda like Arnie and Danny, right? ;-D

My Birthday in Pictures

2010-10-06T11:02:00.002-06:00

Hung out with the farmers...

Especially this cute one... my personal favorite of the bunch.

Ate birthday cupcakes made by Gramma Lori while waiting in the truck.
Peyton was the messiest by far - but a fairly easy cleanup thanks to being in the field. ;)

Despite the colds, it was a gorgeous day and a great snippet of family time. Hard to believe it was 3 days ago already... a foreshadow of the weeks to come? Sheesh...

Bruised Fingers & God Thoughts

2010-10-04T10:43:00.005-06:00

Peyton got her fingers caught in a door for the first time today.
The ironic part is that she was the one closing the door. Slowly, I might add.

She froze in panic - not comprehending the pain. All this while still leaning on the door. I was notified of the situation with wails and tears - and I rushed to the rescue.
"Rescue" only actually meant stopping her forward-pushing action - as well as finger kisses and the wiping of tears. My superior (used tongue-in-cheek) strength and wisdom literally saved her from herself.

It's a little comical, I'll admit. If she would have just said to herself, "Hey. I alone am causing this pain. I should stop." That whole 'cause-and-effect' rationale might have saved her from further injury.

But in an introspective twist, as I wiped away her tears and kissed her fingers, I wondered if we every really do come to that full-circle of understanding in our lives.

For example, I'm realizing how much in my own life I do the exact same thing as her: Create my own problems and then make them worse - when humbling myself and calling for rescue would be so much easier.

By God's grace, I want less panic, and more trust. Less emotion-based decision making and more careful thoughtfulness. Less agony and more resting. Less trying to solve things myself, and more asking Him to direct me.

Ahhh.... the revelations out of a 23-month-old's pinched fingers.

October 3 (in a nutshell)

2010-10-03T10:40:00.004-06:00

I'm 30.
I've got a cold.
So does my daughter...
therefore, no trek into Saskatoon this morning.

Kurt is trucking.
... but we had a great visit this morning and he 'told' me what his birthday card would say.
He's very sweet, and I am mega-in-love with that man.

It's a gorgeous day - so despite the runny noses and annoying coughs:
We're planning on having a picnic in the grain truck this afternoon.

Baby is active!

Also:
I love coffee.

We bought a new truck yesterday
... and I said goodbye to both my minivan and my SUV. (sigh)
But I'll put up a picture of the new truck very soon.
It's pretty much as sexy as a 1/2 ton(ne), 4x4, extended-cab truck can be.
At least I think so. :)

Drama, right?

Family Photo

2010-09-29T10:31:00.004-06:00

A tiny sample of our family photo-shoot with Julie Cortens on the 19th of September.

In other news, I've picked an end date for work. After a heart-to-heart with my doctor which revealed that I'm a little to... cumbersome (?) to continue to work this job in it's full-capacity right now, I've sent in the paperwork to my manager
It's actually a relief.
2-more 8-hour shifts to go!
--
I woke up the other morning and realized I'm only days away from my 30th birthday. Sheesh.
--
I bought the baby's 'going-home' outfit yesterday. It's amazing what a leap of faith it feels like.
I felt that way after we bought Peyton's 'Apple-of-Daddy's-Eye' onsie, too.
I woke up at 5 am this morning (thanks bladder!) and couldn't get back to sleep because I hadn't felt her move.
So I poked and prodded and jostled until I felt some wiggles... which enabled me to be able to drift back off.
She avenged herself by a series of super hard kicks which actually hurt. It was kinda like, "Now you know how it feels!" (chuckle)
Sorry, Goobers.
--

It's A...

2010-09-24T20:19:00.003-06:00

Double-check successful today: little girl parts were clearly visible.

Baby Manz III is - with almost absolute certainty - a third daughter. :)

She's also pretty chubby and cute already - only at 32 weeks! Even in a less-than-state-of-the-art ultrasound picture - that was wonderfully obvious to us. Her heartbeat was strong, bones were straight and her size was exactly where it should be. She was also very, very active - the picture we got printed off was a little blurry 'cause the child would not sit still for even a moment! :)

We cannot wait to meet her!
Nor can Peyton - who announced to the receptionists at the doctor's office (while pointing to the ultrasound picture she was allowed to carry to the car) "My baby sister!" :)

Harvest 2010

2010-09-18T19:22:00.005-06:00

Praising God for a SECOND day of great weather...
Visiting Daddy in the field.

Posing in front of the "ka-bine"s...

In the "semi-tuk" with Papa...

Waiting for the fill with Daddy...

In the meanwhile, the road outside of our house in town is a semi-super-highway!
Lots of dust, lots of noise - and lots of delight for Peyton! :)
Looking back at 2009, it sure is obvious the changes that one year can make.
At least I'm not the only one who looks ~~bigger~~ different. (lol!)

The Tragic Dunking of Zoe Doll

2010-09-16T11:32:00.004-06:00

I like to encourage creative play.

It's really neat to see Peyton put pieces of "life" together. She, for example, likes to pretend to "cook" things - complete with microwave sounds.

Not exactly sure what this says for her parent's culinary example, but I digress...

Anyway, this morning, while I was getting ready for the day, she was in my bathroom with me. She had her Zoe doll and said, "Pee-ewww! Poopy!" so I encouraged her from over my shoulder to do what needed to be done for Zoe.

I meant to change the stinky diaper.

I vaguely registered the sound of the toilet lid being lifted and Peyton saying, "Potty, Zoe."
This was followed by a giggled exclamation. "Oh no! Wet toes!"

It felt like one of those slow-motion "Noooooo....oooo....oooo!" scene from a movie - but Zoe was partially dunked before I had a chance to turn around.

Ick.

It was - thankfully - just Zoe's toes that got wet.
As I sponged off the doll as best I could, I explained to Peyton that she was just supposed to pretend to potty Zoe. Which meant keeping the lid down.

With a pert little grin she replied, "Ohhh.... okay, Mommy."

Which causes me to wonder... maybe the child knew she could freak me out?

Hmm.

PS: For those of you who have sent prayers God-ward for us these past couple of days: I continue to remember - not without pain - but without the despair knocking at my door. Thanks times one-hundred million - and even that is not enough.
Much love....

Memories

2010-09-14T23:56:00.007-06:00

I did it again tonight.
Found myself in Peyton's room - cuddling her while she slept in my arms.
Such a big girl now - she stretches from my shoulders to just above my knees when she's all flopped out. :)

I've heard the second pregnancy after a loss is a challenge. I've found that my third is causing some struggles.
Even the way this baby moves reminds me of Autumn.
Maybe because my second pregnancy was so close to my first - in a lot of ways they seemed to blend into one, two-year (almost!) experience... and the end result was Peyton.

But - there have been some mornings and I've woken with a sense of panic. I haven't felt the baby move. I remember the morning of the day we found out Autumn died. How absurdly normal it was. How I must have walked around for hours without the awareness that she had slipped away...
This baby squirms around at night while I'm reading - I remember how very similar Autumn's last movements were. Her last movements.
I remember stretching out our firstborn daughter on that hospital bed and taking her all in: her tiny perfection - and I remember weeping with the futility of it all.

Oh God.
My prayers are so feeble.
There have been more tears in the last week then in the last 6 months.
In church on Sunday I looked at my picture of her and cried. Exactly what emotion was behind it, I'd be hard pressed to give an accurate answer.
At the baby shower, watching another of my friends expect her first with eager anticipation, I ached. Not with jealousy. Not with anger. Just with memories - remembering planning and hoping and being so close to meeting our firstborn...
On the way home, I cried as I told Kurt about the shower. I cried for me: for hope deferred. For my baby girl who never took a breath. For Kurt, who spent a lifetime with Autumn - holding her for two hours in a leather rocking chair in the room she was born in.
But that's been the case lately.

This morning, while drinking coffee I flashed back to locking myself in the bathroom at my parent's house after the funeral. It was easily 2 or 3 in the morning - and I couldn't breathe. I sat down on the edge of the tub and wept. Deep, wracking, lack-of-breath sobs that knocked me out of a sitting position and left me curled in the fetal position on the floor. My baby girl was gone and she was never coming back. The terrible finality of it was so overwhelming. Months of hope replaced by... what? There were no clear answers.

My mom was the one who heard me - still tuned to the noises her children make when all is not well. She knocked softly and came in. I heard her whisper, "Oh Kendall." and then she sat on the floor beside me and rocked me like a baby. I remember her saying she wished she could take it for me as she wept.
Me too.
27 years old... happy marriage, career in place - but wishing with all my might that my mommy could just make it better again. That part of the memory has become really clear as Peyton is daily healed by my kisses. I know now - in a very small way as I have only dealt with a toddler's woes - how hard that must have been for my mom to watch her only daughter crumpled on the floor in grief and not be able to do anything.

I remember so clearly how the tears never really helped for a very long time - they just left me empty. Remembering that despair is hard. That is the pit that God took me out off. The fear of falling back in does funny things to my heart.

Flash forward.
Do I believe lightning can strike twice? Do I trust odds, or the God who loves me?
I hold Peyton and am thankful for the reminder that He can make healthy babies. But I don't take anything as proof I shall have another healthy child. This reality has never changed. The difference is in how I react to it. Do I cower? Or do I stand?

As of now, God is giving me strength to stand. And all the while, this little child squirms and wiggles... her 'sweet spot' mere finger-breadths from where Autumn's was. So bittersweet.

The memories are part of my history. But more than that, they've molded the woman I am. So I'm not fighting them right now. I'm walking in with a deep breath. Talking through stuff with Kurt... and taking lots of time to hug and cuddle my almost 2-year-old child of grace.

I'm also letting myself cry again. But the difference is that the tears don't leave me empty anymore. They're actually making me feel better. The despair is gone. I'm overwhelmingly grateful to God.

We're getting there...
Thanks for your prayers.

Domestic Bliss

2010-09-10T11:52:00.006-06:00

For you girls who are - like me - working out-of-home; and even for those of you who are able to be there full time:

Do you ever have one of those days where your subconscious mind screams at you to be a homemaker?

It's one of those days. I guess it isn't really subconscious, though. I have the time and energy (for the moment, anyway!) and I'm just acting on those impulses. :)

Not only do I have a pot of delicious-smelling soup simmering on the stove, but I'm also tearing through my cookbooks looking for the perfect combo of visual appeal, cooking-time allowed and ingredients I already have in the house for our supper tonight.

I think it's the thrill of being home - but also the rain and cold make me want to just settle in and provide for my family. It helps that there is literally no pressure for me to do this on a daily basis from Kurt. :)

With all the hours I've been working, we've both been pretty pragmatic about the amount of house-ish duties I can/should undertake. He's done a lot of cooking and baking while staying home with Peyton: and I cannot emphasize enough the blessing that has been to me.

That said: I've kinda had to go with the flow a few times. The other day I got home at 5 and couldn't quite bear the thought of his planned supper: perogies, bacon and some token carrots (to make it "healthy", I think).

I probably couldn't even begin to describe the face I made when I heard that delightful combination of food groups. But imagine, if you will, an "Oh sweetie. You're so thoughtful to plan supper." mixed with an, "Are we trying to get coronary artery disease by the time we're 32?" kind of expression.

Anyway, when he left to do chores, I mustered up a rare energy burst. It was probably fueled by dismay. But that's beside the point...

I made a batch of meatballs and gravy, garlic rice and a fresh cucumber salad. All while Peyton stood underfoot and made a less-than-subtle play for my undivided attention. But the fruits of my labor were soon evident by the awesome smell coming from the oven, the salad chilling and ready in the fridge and the fragrant rice cooking in the microwave.

I also did all the dishes and put them away, wiped the counters and kept Peyton happy the entire time by singing silly songs and telling her stories.

(Supergirl? Little 'ol meeee??? Why - you're too kind!)

Relax ladies.
This idyllic tale of domestic bliss concludes somewhat unflatteringly and abruptly for Supergirl.
Keep reading.

When he came home an hour later, he took a big sniff of kitchen air, winked at me and said, "I was really looking forward to perogies and bacon." Let's just say that the wink probably saved him from another combination of looks that wouldn't have been overly edifying or good humored. I also crashed, energy-wise, midway through eating, put everything in the dishwasher (including the pots) and was in bed with puffy ankles elevated by 8:30.

I feel like there should be some "Whah-whah-whaaaahhhhh." music at the end of that story. (chuckle)

But - shaking head sharply - back to the present!
Peyton is napping, and I think I'm going to make a crock-pot meatloaf for supper.
I am loving life today, people. Loving it tons.

Suzie Homemaker, over-and-out.

Twinges and Stuff

2010-09-10T09:57:00.003-06:00

So yesterday it all hit me.
The lower back pain. Shortness of breath. Achy legs.
In Rona. :-P
I did a 5-minute squat in the hinges aisle attempting to give my back a rest.
If I wasn't so uncomfortable I would have laughed. I seriously considered asking Kurt if I could ride in the cart with Peyton. (lol!)

30 weeks, 2 days.
Subtract 14 days - and it's less than 55 days until we meet our 3rd daughter. With that amazing thought, I've created an all new "must do" list for ~~Kurt~~ us to accomplish. I'm also mulling over a hospital bag: remembering what I needed, what I didn't and wondering how long I'll actually be there this time.

According to our doctor yesterday, she's head-down and measuring roughly 32 weeks in size. This isn't a shock: 37-week-Peyton was only 3 ounces smaller than 4-days-overdue-Autumn. This kid won't be hurting too much with a 38 week induction, size-wise. With that logic, neither will I.
;-D

I'll be honest: I am less ambitious about my original "I'll work until 36 weeks." plan today.
But I do have several days off - in a row! Thanks Lord.
I need it and Peyton needs it.

But mostly I need it.

On another note, Kurt broke down yesterday. I didn't fight too hard, though.
NFL season starting (a Saints/Vikings rematch!), constant rain, the early darkness, and no TV was a little too much.
Our Star Choice is now hooked back up... so I have an excuse to sit on the couch with feet elevated when time allows.
Bring on the new season of 'What Not To Wear"! (chuckle)

What's That Smell?

2010-09-07T20:41:00.005-06:00

I came home the other morning to get a cup of coffee and check my tire pressure.
When I came in the door, Kurt was on the phone, but I heard Peyton yell, "Mommy! Mommy!"

"I'm here, Peyton!" I called back.

She raced towards me as I came around the corner of the doorway, and threw herself with abandon into my arms.

My first thought was, "This is so nice. She doesn't always do this..."

My second was, "Hold the phone. What's that smell?"

Yepper.
The little girl was not only diaperless, but but she left a large streak of fecal matter all down my left arm. She had been sitting on the potty waiting for her Daddy to clean her up - but due to his distraction on the phone she was able to make a premature escape.

I reminded myself (during my impromptu wardrobe change) that I had planned on washing the bunny hug anyway, thanks to the muddy water that had dripped on it earlier from the hatch of my CR-V.

Baptized with poop.
I guess I'm officially a parent now.

*shrug*

Land of Living Skies

2010-08-29T22:43:00.006-06:00

*first - pause the music.*

Wow.

With the exception of the first two shots, all of the other scenes are Saskatchewan.

I would almost swear the elevator shot is Leask... (I actually asked them on the website I found this on. I'll let you know when I do!)

But seriously. Doesn't it just make you want to move here?
Sheesh.
I live here - and it makes me want to spend more time on a blanket, looking up at these incredible skies! And I'm super impressed with their Maker. :)

Land of Living Skies from Two Brothers Films on Vimeo.

August 30th, 2010 post-script:

They wrote me back. The elevator shot is actually Kronau - which is where my Auntie lives! :)

Anti-Stress?

2010-08-23T09:57:00.004-06:00

It's funny how fear creeps in.
And I don't mean funny, "Ha-ha."

It's not like my world doesn't have the reality of a lost baby. I have friends all over who are living with the same heartbreak - some even more tragic than my own. But all these joint experiences seem to combine, at times, into a mindset where it is a true miracle that any baby is born healthy and alive.

I lay down for a nap on Saturday and got up around 4. Between 4 and 7 I only felt the faintest of flutters - odd for a baby who is getting pretty active. Crazy active at times.

So I prepared supper and played with Peyton and prayed. Ate supper praying with each bite. Bathed my daughter and reminded myself of Who gave her to me. I did some stuff on the computer with my mind and heart pleading, "Please Lord. Not again."

The end of that story was that she did - of course - start moving more urgently as the evening wore on. By the time Kurt got home at 10:30, she was causing my whole stomach to shift from side-to-side. I was beyond relieved.

I'm not ever in a place where I can think, "Of course she's okay." because I know that isn't necessarily true. Just wanting something to be fine doesn't make it so. Telling yourself positive mantras doesn't affect reality. Laughing at your fears doesn't make them irrelevant. When the world crashes around you, the anti-stress workshops seem almost comic in their simplistic approach to life.

This world is a place where bad stuff does happen. To think otherwise is kind of a head-in-the-sand approach.

So how does anyone cope?

In my case, it's Jesus.

Because I know He loves me. He has planned my future.
This baby, Peyton and Autumn are known to Him. He has given me all my children - but they are ultimately His.

I am known to Him. Whatever circumstances come across my path - tragic or triumphant - are for my good, His glory - and I will see that someday. I believe it - really I do.

He has humbled me and made me dependent. That's okay. Because just like chanting positive thoughts doesn't make tragedy disappear - thinking I'm in control doesn't make it so. How much better to embrace it - and better yet! - to embrace the One who has a firm grasp on the steering wheel?

Thanks to those of you who keep our family in your prayers and thoughts... it means so much. Keep up the good work! :)

I have no doubt that God is using all of that to keep us stable and sane. :)

Until Death Part Us...

2010-08-18T17:52:00.002-06:00

Go check out this post from Abraham's blog.
Keep the Kleenex box close by...

27 Weeks

2010-08-18T09:36:00.002-06:00

To quote Peyton: "Holy 'mokes!"

Another holy 'moke?
How quickly the counter is edging towards 100,000 visitors!
So thanks for that, friends. :)

The Facts of Life

2010-08-17T15:12:00.002-06:00

Me: "Peyton! We're having chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy with brussel-sprouts for supper tonight!

(About those exclamation marks: I'm always enthusiastic about food. It's the best meal of the day.)

Peyton: "Chicken?" (looking questioningly to her Fisher Price farm-animal collection across the living room) "Eat chicken?"

Me: "You bet, kiddo. We eat chickens."

Peyton: (with a devious grin) "Heh-heh-heh."

A farm kid in the making, I'd say...

3rd Trimester, Dead Ahead

2010-08-17T13:36:00.006-06:00

Today I have a foot, or elbow, or knee - something pointy! - sliding back and forth across my belly. 'She' has really ramped up her activity - and I'm really feeling the subsequent energy drain. (chuckle)

I told my manager I'd work until October 18th - but I'm wondering how that's going to play out. Not for lack of willingness to try, though! Take yesterday for example: I didn't even have to "do" too much, but after an afternoon of computer work I was almost limping as I left the office. It felt like 'she' was plucking at my sacroiliac nerve like a bowstring. (grin)

Even with this being my 3rd pregnancy, I'm surprised to remember how quickly the 2nd trimester "honeymoon" turns into 3rd trimester exhaustion. I guess it is official tomorrow - so I really shouldn't be shocked that I'm starting to get achy, short of breath, and am also - on top of everything! - waddling. (lol!) I'm not complaining - really. I'm just kinda amazed at how fast we got here.

It doesn't 'help' that our past 4 weeks have been a constant stream of activity: working, lakes, camping, driving, date-weekends (:))...

We want to do all this stuff - but when I wonder, out-loud, at 7 pm, "Geez. I'm tired. I wonder why?" Kurt just looks at me, my belly and our calender as if it say, "Duh, woman."

So onward we press - and this summer is flying by. We've gotten to do pretty much everything on our list: lots of swimming, time outside, and quality time together. B-G-III continues to grow, and is making up for her lack of activity over the first few months every night. I have two weekends back-to-back come end of August and September long... and then things will start to - please Lord? - slow down a little.

Just in time for harvest. (grin)

Isn't He Handsome?

2010-08-16T17:12:00.001-06:00

Never mind. You don't have to answer that. :)

On another - and completely unrelated - note: 79 days! :-O

Nice Ride, Kid.

2010-08-09T18:10:00.004-06:00

After swimming all afternoon, the method of transportation is both creative and effective when dealing with little legs + a steep hill.
But the question remains: just who came up with this idea?

The Most Adorable Picture of the Weekend Is... ?

2010-08-09T10:00:00.007-06:00

Votes? :)

Two Years Difference

2010-08-06T09:23:00.012-06:00

A comparison of these two pictures made me feel a little better about my 25-week gestation body. :)

After looking at them too long, I started to think there was no actual difference. Then I asked my mom and she said, "Wow. You're doing good." (grin!)

So yeah - that extra 30 lbs I was carrying while pregnant with Peyton does show in the first picture a little bit.

One more point which makes me happy: the first picture was taken around 7 am - before I went to work. Fresh hair, fresh makeup - clean clothes... you get the point.
By the end of the day I was no-doubt puffy, saggy and otherwise severely- haggard looking. :) It was also an emotionally challenging pregnancy - which I think aged me a little bit around the eyes.

It really started to show up around 28-29 weeks. In those pictures, I look exhausted and big.

So that said: this second picture was taken at 11:30 pm Wednesday night: after I had worked all afternoon and been kept awake because of coughing the night before. I was also having a less-than-perfect hair day, and wasn't wearing much for makeup.

Don't get me wrong. I'm no pregnant Heidi Klum (sigh...), but overall I'm thinking, "Meh. (shrug-sound) I guess it ain't so bad after all..."

With only 13 weeks go go, I'm thanking Jesus that this pregnancy has been relatively stress free so far. Baby is kicking like mad - growing great, and I'm busy enough that I'm literally forced to let God do his thing.

I'm thankful that despite everything every pregnant gal goes through with body-image, etc - I've been able to get pregnant again and that my body is doing okay so far. :)

I'm also very thankful that my bum hasn't gotten as big as it was. :-P

Life At Ease

2010-08-04T10:26:00.007-06:00

My brother (Kiley) and his wife (Jessica) - along with Peyton's "boy cousin" (due only a week after her 'bebe sisser') have started a new business called "Life at Ease" which allows the convenience of online shopping and home delivery - anywhere.

As a bonus, if you spend over $75 it's free shipping. I don't know about you, but that's an easy feat for me. (sigh)At least this way I haven't spent the gas to get somewhere!

So far pretty much everything I've tried I've loved. Especially the laundry detergent, the facial tissues, the diapers and the skin care line (including foundation).

If you are so inclined, please feel free to check it out. You gotta shop anyway, right?
:)
(The link is also in my "loved links" bar waaaayyy down on the right-hand side.)

Currently Featured On My Desktop...

2010-08-03T22:59:00.002-06:00

Feeling a little nostalgic for my sweet, chubby, baldish baby girl - only about 6 months old when this was taken. :)
Hopeful that I'll soon - Lord willing - have another one to cherish.

But look at the chubby arms and fingers!
Sigh. :)

Time Adjustment

2010-08-03T10:37:00.001-06:00

This kinda feels like cheating - but with the 14-day adjustment, my countdown clock should actually read, "about 92 days to go."

Holy Cow!
How did it get below 100 so quickly???

Whoot!

2010-08-02T17:32:00.002-06:00

Rejoicing with the Piper family on the safe arrival of their twins, Cadence and Whitson.
Great names, right? :-D
Congrats, Molly, my friend. God has been greatly glorified by your trust of him in spite of all the unknowns.
And since I am only technically 12 weeks behind you, I'm getting a little excited about my own bundle, too. ;-D

Precious Moments

2010-07-22T15:52:00.009-06:00

To start this post, I just want to say that Peyton had a terrible night last night. She only wanted Mommy and even though Daddy tried, she kept sobbing uncontrollably until I was with her. I'm not sure if it was a bad dream, being horribly over-tired, or a combination of both. Fortunately, once I brought her into bed with us, she felt secure enough to finally drift off to sleep - with a hand on my cheek to make sure I was still there. :) I woke up around 3:30 after Kurt said, "Kendall. She just pooped." Hmmmm... maybe that was part of the problem, too.

He took and changed her (love that guy!) and I chuckled as I heard her inform him (via the baby monitor) that she now wanted to be in her crib. Funny kid... but that whole incident - and the resulting lack of sleep on her part - has led to a blogging opportunity that hasn't been experienced in ages.

So... here I go. :)

It's strange - because I've been acutely aware over the past few weeks that she will only be this little for a little while longer. The other night I got up around 2:30 am and went into her room just because. My head said, "Let her sleep." but my heart said, "Pick her up and cuddle her because soon she'll be too big." I scooped her up and she mumbled, "Mommy?" then snuggled into my shoulder. We rocked for about 15 minutes before she sat up, rubbed her eyes and said, "Love you, Mommy. Crib?" :) When I left the room, she called out that she loved me again with a sweet smile before she rolled over and went back to sleep. I don't consider myself that impulsive (but don't ask Kurt his opinion, okay?) but that was a moment I will not regret following my impulses. I'm still smiling because of it.

She continues to impress me at swimming lessons. She even touched the bottom of the pool today (with my help) and doesn't cough or gasp at all when we dunk - which is a fair amount. Gotta keep up with the 3 and 4 year olds! (lol!) I know she won't "pass" this year - they have to be able to stand on the bottom of the pool without assist... but it's been a real delight to spend this time with her. Today, she spontaneously started clapping and saying, "Yaaaayyy!" for all the other little kids when they dunked - and after a while, a few of the older kids looked at her and started clapping too. :) I hope she doesn't lose that sense of enjoyment - the one that is so often hampered by self-consciousness and "what will people think of me?" issues.

In the mornings, and after her naps she says, "Morning Mommy!" and then proceeds to say, "Hi Bebe Sissa!" and waits until my belly is close enough to hug and kiss. Occasionally, she'll also whisper, "love you" but I'm not sure if it is to me or her Bebe Sissa. Either way, it's adorable and melts my heart. She's also very tender to her dolls. If I come in after her nap and they're still 'sleeping', she says, "Shhhhh..." and points to the one cuddled up beside her all wrapped in her blankets. I don't know where she gets it. I was not a doll girl, and I'm pretty sure her Daddy was not a doll-boy. But she does have such a tender heart at times, and I'm looking forward to seeing her with the Baby. :)

One other thing to report on: She has turned into such a girlie-girl! :)
(I'm using my best valley-girl accent - imagine it, and it will make that last statement so much better, I promise.)

She loves to get her hair done and look in the mirror - or put on a dress and twirl and dance. We wore our matching Hawaii dresses yesterday to swimming lessons and before we left she almost made herself fall down from saying, "Spin, Mommy!" and doing just that herself to watch her dress flare out. She also will come up to me when I have my hair and/or makeup done and said, "Oh.... pretty, Mommy!" My own personal cheering squad! :)

The other day after she was admiring my polished toes, I asked her if she wanted to paint her toenails. She jumped up, yelled, "Okay!" and tore out of the room. I followed her as she ran to my bathroom, opened the cupboard and pulled out the bag of nail polishes. She walked past me towards the living room with matter-of-fact, "Come here, Mommy." (lol!) After being shown all her options, she choose a bright-pink corral colour - and has been walking around since then looking at her toes saying, "Oh! Pink! Pretty."

Anything for beauty...that's my girl! ;-D

Sometimes my heart could break with thankfulness for this child God has given us. She is a delight - and I am humbled that she is mine to look after and love. For those of you who follow our family's happenings and keep us in your prayers: thank you. We're in a really good place right now and I have no doubt it is because of all that support and love.

Okay! I hear a little voice calling me so I guess that ~~blog time~~ - ahem - nap time is over.
Talk to you soon, friends! :)

July = Swimming Lessons!

2010-07-21T10:38:00.001-06:00

Peyton and I are doing the Mommy-'n-Tots swimming lessons at Shellbrook pool. (She's a 'sea-turtle'.)

It's kinda strange to be there with my own child (two of them present - truth be told!) when it was the very place I felt I was going to die many mornings doing those horrible "tread-water" torture sessions. :)

Although she is the youngest in her class, I have to say my girl is doing pretty well! She's pretty brave - doesn't cling to me too much, and has (even after only 2 days) started blowing bubbles, going underwater, and singing the swimming-lesson songs in the bathtub at night. :) "Motorboat, motorboat!" is great because she gets to kick her legs and splash us a ton and it's all in the name of "learning". (lol!)

I'm so happy to get to spend this time with her before it isn't just "us" anymore. :)

Kurt was actually able to come with us on the first day and take some pictures - thanks, my love! :)

Poll Closed (You're Welcome)

2010-07-09T13:14:00.003-06:00

Okay, I'm satisfied. That was great!
Especially if you haven't (or don't often) commented before - I really appreciated it. :)

I have to say I was thinking the same as most (64.1%) of you: a boy for sure.

It took me a while to reconfigure my picture of the future when the technician said, "Well... I don't see any obvious boy-parts."

Huh?

Both Kurt and I looked at each other and were like, "Really? Three girls?" (I laughed when I read your response, Amber! :-D)

But yeppers - Baby Manz III is - in all likelihood - a girl.

The lady was 90% sure (I like to ask), so I guess there is a 10% chance that she isn't a girl... but we are 21 weeks along - so if there were boy-parts there they'd probably show up. In addition, she showed us an area that was probably girl-part-ish. So we're pretty convinced.

So now Peyton is telling people she's having a "Bebe sisser". I'll try to get it on video and post it one of these days - it's pretty cute!

Thanks for guessing, everyone. :)

What Do You See?

2010-07-08T22:44:00.002-06:00

Can anyone else see a new layout?
There should be pictures of a wheat-field in the background.
When I look at my older posts they come up - but I'm thinking the poll messed things up.
I am SOOOO not a techno-geek.

I LOVE Polls!

2010-07-08T21:55:00.005-06:00

So - we had the ultrasound on Tuesday. Our goal (after making sure he/she was healthy) was to find out whether he/she is a he or a she!

Even if you already know - go ahead and add your answer. I'll post the true result after a satisfying number of guesses. (Bah-ha-ha! I feel like Ryan Seacrest!)

BTW: if you want to leave a comment telling me who you are which answer you picked, I'd love to know who thinks what! :)

World Cup Switcheroo

2010-07-03T11:48:00.003-06:00

For anyone concerned about the current state of my marriage: I've thrown my hat into the Germany ring now that both England and Ghana have been eliminated.

Kurt is thrilled - and a wise man to not cackle and rub his hands together. ;)

Go Deutschland.

(enthusiastic enough, Kurtie, my love?)

Halfway There

2010-07-01T11:17:00.002-06:00

19 weeks!
The nice thing about a planned induction at 38 weeks is that I'm a week ahead of the regular 'halfway' point. :)
I'm already using 3 pillows under my legs at night... bring on the chubby ankles, baby!

It's Viral

2010-06-22T17:15:00.003-06:00

Kurt and I found out on Sunday that we both have a viral thing: therefore no antibiotics. I'm happy the doctor felt that way - I think I would have jumped in between Kurt and the prescription pad if the doctor had tried to go that route. It does happen, you know.

It's not that I have a problem with drugs (or I would be in the WRONG line of work) - but there is such a growing problem with drug-resistant infections that I hate to add to it.

Anyway, on the bright side, it seems to be lifting. I'm still coughing - but not productively (TMI! Sorry!) and I am hoping that keeps since I am working 6 days in a row.

Sigh.

It's All About Proper Refrencing

2010-06-19T21:07:00.004-06:00

"What you talkin 'bout, Mommy?"
(the infamous "mad-face")

I just taught my 20-month old daughter to drink out of her new straw-containing sippy-cup by explaining, "No, Peyton, honey. Don't tip it up. Put it on your boobies while you drink."
And wouldn't you know - she cued right in and followed the instructions to a tee - with a big grin, no less.
That kid cracks me up.

Cough-Cough

2010-06-13T11:24:00.005-06:00

I'm sick enough to stay home from church today. It's rough to not be able to stop coughing. Rougher, still, to not be able to take anything for it. I'm pacing my Tylenol - no closer than 4 hours apart - and it does a nice job of managing the headache and throat pain. But this is - by far! - the worst cold I've had in a long time. I've tried a few unique things in the last couple of days including: Vicks dabbed in my ears (it made the scratchiness stop for a while), and this morning I stuffed a cotton-ball soaked with olive oil into my left ear. I think it helped! Yay for ancient remedies! (lol!)
--
Peyton didn't want to nap yesterday so I offered her the big, brown, fuzzy blanket from our bed. She acquiesced right away. As I lay her down she was sure to remind me, "Blin-ket." and pointed over at it (where it was dragged from my room) in it's big, brown, fuzzy pile on her bedroom floor. It kept her remarkably content. Bribery can be so simple sometimes...
--
This morning I taught her to say, "Go, Ghana - GO!" and told her were were cheering for them because that was Auntie's country. She got pretty good at it by the end of the game. She had 90 minutes to practice, after all...
--
I'm so thankful for the sun and cheerful breeze that is keeping my house fresh and warm this morning. It justified wearing my pink Hawaii dress today! It's a tad tighter in some areas than it was in February. I wonder why... :-P
--
Happy birthday to my wonderful mommy! Love you so much, mom!
--
Well, I'm off to tidy the dishes before hopefully more Vicks and a nap (?) and then Germany v. Australia. I'm going to cheer for the Aussies just because Kurt will not. Plus - we have to stick with the Commonwealth, right? ;)

Whew...

2010-06-10T13:39:00.004-06:00

On that heels of that somewhat sober post, I just want to exclaim that Word Cup starts tomorrow!

(If you had told me 7 years ago that I would be excited about a soccer tournament, I would have seriously laughed out loud. But I've evolved! ;))

Kurt is going to be predictable and cheer for Germany. He really doesn't have a choice, though. That's all he is.

I, however, have cast about my considerable and eclectic Canadian heritage and have decided I'm going to cheer for England. I found out that my great-grandfather was born and raised in Manchester, UK.

(On an interesting side note, I've also found out that Manchester United are the Montreal Canadians of soccer. You either love them, or... really don't love them. I asked a guy Kurt used to work with who was from England who his favorite team was and he answered - word for word - "Anybody but Man-U." lol!)

So let the fever begin.
God save the Queen! :-D

The Bus Stop

2010-06-10T12:43:00.007-06:00

I have always enjoyed watching people: facial expressions, the way they walk, dress... trying to guess what it is that has made them 'just so'.

But after a few months of university, it can get overwhelming to observe the masses. I began to tune it out. Stand and blank out... just think about my own needs, wants - stuff.

Several years ago I stood waiting for the city bus on College Drive and Cumberland after my classes were done for the day. I think it was before I started nursing - and I'm not even sure if I knew Kurt yet. It was what felt like centuries before my own grief and heartbreak shaped me as a woman and a christian.

As I stood there in my self-induced trance, a car pulled up in front of me and stopped at the stoplight.

It was a sports car: a black Eagle Talon, I think.
A beautiful young Asian woman was in the drivers seat, and she was crying.

Weeping, actually. She sat there and looked at the stoplight while wiping her eyes over and over as tears ran down her face. She didn't look left or right: and not because of self-consciousness, I could tell. She was completely caught up in her grief.

All sorts of questions flashed though my mind.
"Did she break up with her boyfriend?"
"She came from the direction of the hospital: has someone she loves been hurt or died?"
My heart began to hurt as I watched the tears continue to roll down her cheeks, and her inaudible gasps for breath.

I stood there and stared at her, actually hoping she would look to her right and see me. I wanted to somehow let her know that she wasn't alone - that someone - a total stranger! - had noticed her tears and was concerned for her. I wanted to knock on her window and ask if there was anything I could do for her. The logistics, however, of a busy street and a light that would soon change colour made that impossible.

So instead, I began to pray for her. To ask God - who knew who she was and what she was feeling - to comfort her. As the light turned green, and she pulled away, I continued to talk to God about her. The whole way home on the bus, the memory of her tears stayed with me.

Strangely enough, years later, I was the one in the car weeping. Going to the hospital to deliver my stillborn daughter I cried silently. I was not conscious of anyone or anything else - only my broken heart. But as Kurt drove past the bus stop at College and Cumberland, I remembered her and her tears. It gave me comfort to know the same God I talked to her about was watching me - maybe even causing a stranger on the street to pray for me as they noticed my grief.

I still think of her to this day. Even last night, I found my mind wandered to that afternoon: wondering who she was and what she was dealing with. I prayed for her again, as I have continued to over the years.

As a christian, it is pretty easy to simply reflect on myself. My goals, my struggles and weakness and downfalls. But I am reminded that the ultimate purpose of being a child of God while I am here is to reach out to others - and tell them about the One who held me when no one else could if they want to listen. To be with them in their weakness - and to cry with them. Especially now, after my heart has been opened to grief, I can ache in a way that I was never capable of before. But first, I have to look. In my deepest heart-of-hearts I want to be like Jesus - who looked at the crowds of broken people and loved them, gave himself to serve them and cried for them.

So that's my thought for the day. Strange and somewhat random, right? (chuckle)
But maybe you're in a place where you are just kind of existing in your own world.
Maybe you need a nudge - like I did years ago and still often do - to step out, look around and remember why you're here.

But just maybe. :)

She Wants It Back (#1)

2010-06-09T14:06:00.001-06:00

My very serious tiny dancer... remember to pause the music.

She Wants It Back (#2)

2010-06-09T14:04:00.001-06:00

I hope Carrie Underwood would be proud. :)

Scary Face

2010-05-31T22:24:00.002-06:00

Photo credit goes to Julie Cortens.
Last month, she asked Peyton to show her the "scary-face" at East Side Marios.
Peyton loves to accommodate. (lol.)
Facial credit goes to my husband. He has also taught her "mad" and "happy" which she does in rapid sequence over and over until her face tires out.
It's quite funny - but I doubt I could catch it on camera.
So I'm glad I have this one! :-D

(this is on my desktop, by the way)

I Love Surprises

2010-05-31T22:02:00.003-06:00

I feel like I'm not even pregnant some days.
And then I get that little flutter deep down inside and remember. :)
I'm really thankful God made this little one so active so early, too - it is a blessing to my heart since I don't trust my own womb to keep him or her safe and insulated from danger. Feeling those movements remind me daily of who made this baby, and who keeps him or her safe. And more to that point: that my worrying doesn't do a thing.

It's so strange how different it is, though.
I spent hours in my first two pregnancies daydreaming about the future: the baby's looks, feedings, using the carseat... and the second had such a heightened sense of urgency. The summer felt like years.
And this time?
I'm get a little surprised every few days. I plan things to do this summer and Kurt will be like, "You'll be how many weeks along then?" and I think, "Oh yeah. No water-skiing this year."

I think it will (somewhat obviously) begin to make a bigger impact on me as the next few weeks go by. And then - baby willing - we'll be able to find out the gender at our ultrasound... which will make it more real, I'm sure.

But for now - it's kinda like Christmas every day. (chuckle)

To Jessica in Super-Hot Ontario (i'm so unspeakably jealous)

2010-05-29T10:52:00.006-06:00

It's probably gonna snow tonight, Jessica.
Just so you know, you picked a great time to leave. :) Not what we would normally expect for almost June. But at least it's green.

I say this over and over until I believe it.

I've been wearing my capris for work the last couple of days and all my clients are like, "Wow. You're so brave, summer-girl." and I don't even have the gusto to tell them that all I have pregnancy-wise is summer-clothes! I don't own a pair of long pants that I can wear comfortably for a whole day. I console myself by thinking about people that wear skirts in winter. I'm not ~~that~~ crazy.

Besides that: We got awesome pedicures so we could show them off in flip-flops, right? My lovely polish is gonna chip off because I've been wearing socks and shoes every day! Grrrr...

But I digress.
We invited Kiley over for supper and a game and/or movie tonight. Plus I want to order a ton of stuff of your website and I would like him to put the order in. :) We'll probably go for a game, 'cause I doubt that Kurt is going to stay awake for a movie no matter how good his intentions are. I literally dragged him off the couch the other night. Seriously. I used a move I hadn't utilized since I stopped working at the nursing home. :)

I also wanted to tell you that Peyton has started referring to you today as "Auntie-Kiley". And if I ask about Kiley she forcefully corrects me to day, "Uncle Kiley." So she does know the difference. :) I'm sure eventually you'll get your own name - but I do think it's quite hilarious how kids draw associations like that.

(For those of you eavesdropping on this letter to Jessica - one of Peyton's favorite words is "Kiley". She's been saying it perfectly for months and months. And once she got the hang of 'Auntie' a few weeks ago that has been Jessica's exclusive name. She has 2 aunties, but the other one is "Man-da". She knows who-is-who!)

Anyway, I suggested to Kurt that he BBQ burgers. He 'refused' until I bribed him with a batch of potato salad. The calender says it's summer - so we're gonna eat summer food!
Which is kinda easy for me to say since I do not stand out in the rain and slush - but I kinda think that is part of being a husband, don't you think? It's a fair trade-off for... oh... I don't know: Labour.

Touche, Kurt! Bah-ha-ha!

Anyway, hope you're having a great time and don't get too hot or sunburned or anything so horribly summer-ish happening to you. :)

love ya! ;-D

Babysitting

2010-05-28T10:22:00.005-06:00

Today I am so, so, soooo thankful for a job that is flexible enough to let me come home for a few hours due to a lack of babysitters. Kurt and I kinda got our wires crossed today and there ended up being 2 hours where Peyton would have had to be left at home alone. Since that wasn't really an option, we've juggled our schedules to cover the whole day. Not too stressful - I'm just amazed how easy it was to come up with a solution.

I have to say that if I'm here feeling like I'm "babysitting" Peyton we have a blast. I know I have to go back to work at 11, so I'm not thinking about the laundry that is piling up, or the dirty bathroom(s) that needs to be cleaned, or dusting my living room. I'm just enjoying the morning with my daughter. :)

And I think she enjoyed it too: we read books, played with her dolls, gave everyone needles (she was obviously impacted by her Public Health visit a couple of weeks ago - chuckle), and eventually, we went to her room and rocked while singing lullabies. The lullaby thing is relatively new for her: her favorites are "Rock-a-be-be" (Rock-a-bye Baby) and "Papa" (Hush-little-Baby). :) She calms right down and snuggles her blanket until it gets too cramped for her and she tells me, "kib" (crib). I settled her in, kissed her forehead and then had a few minutes to blog besides! :)

So to all you busy mommies out there, if you can take a break from being a mom for even a little while and pretend you're a babysitter... it's a nice change of pace. :) I sure enjoyed it this morning!

Time Is Flying

2010-05-26T17:57:00.003-06:00

So - the real reason I wanted to confess my pregnancy on the blog is so that I could keep track of it with a counter.
I blinked twice today when it said 15 weeks.
Holy smokes.
How did that happen so quickly??

Seven Years Ago Today

2010-05-22T08:52:00.003-06:00

(I'm on a theme)
While I wait for Kurt to get home so we can rush to the city for a good friend's wedding, I'm reminded of the anticipation this day held for me 7 years ago.

The guy I was madly in love with took me for a picnic, wrote me a poem, told me he loved me - asked me to marry him - and gave me a ring that to this day I still get compliments on. (I always say, "Yes. And he picked it out all by himself!" To which everyone says, "Ohhh!") Without a doubt, one of the best days of my life.

That memory has an all-encompassing happy haze around it that is a great place to re-enter if we're having some tough days.

What a ride.

Happy May 22nd, everyone.
But especially you, my hottie-hubby. :) I love you.

One Year Ago Today

2010-05-16T07:55:00.001-06:00

My daughter had a LOT less hair. :)

And now this beautiful bride is about to become a Mommy herself for the first time! :)
Happy 1st anniversary, Sammy and Allison! What an eventful and exciting first year you two have had already! :)
Allison, I am honored to have been able to watch you grow into a lovely and gentle young woman. You are transparent and kind - a true example to me. It is a privilege to call you a friend. And how exciting that we will be new mommies together come the fall! I love you dearly - I hope and pray you have a wonderful day and a blessed 2nd year of marriage. :)

Za Wee Bump

2010-05-16T07:32:00.004-06:00

... and Peyton saying, "Cheese!" She does that every time she sees a camera, now. :)

Pre-date last night - those are preggo jeans. I already have some of the stuff. Why not be comfortable, right? :) I'm only 13 weeks and I honestly look at least 16 or 18. Sigh.
Oh well - 3rd baby, right? Gotta love it!

Anyway - the movie was interrupted by a power-outage. It was so far so good... but we got theater credits to go see it again.
Or, as my husband casually suggested as we exited the lobby, "We could just rent this one at home and go see Robin Hood." Hmmmm...

It's okay. I actually prefer to watch movies at home. Eat my own food. Use my own bathroom. Wear my jammie-jams and get a back rub from Kurt - without having to sit elbow-to-elbow with strangers. Besides - I swear that theaters smell like feet. I deal with that enough for work.

Win. Win.

Oh - and one more pic that helps sum-up date night:
This is Kurt's face as he realized what the little "treat" of side-gravy for the fries cost us - a whopping $1.25 - lol!

I couldn't stop laughing after I looked at this picture. He's trying to be calm (it is "date night" after all) - but you can tell by his eyes that he's kinda freaking out on the inside.

Ahhhhh... I so love, love, love my thrifty German boy. :-D

Teamwork!

2010-05-15T12:53:00.004-06:00

Please join me in saluting my daughter who took a nice long nap and allowed me to get ready for my date with her Daddy tonight.
I'm sure he'll appreciate shaved legs, washed hair, and a well-made-up wife.
I know I feel better. :)
Good job, Peyton! Way to be a team-player!

-- Kurt is such a great guy! He's taking me to 'Letters to Juliet'. Ahhhh! I'm so excited. :)

-- And yes - I did add a pregnancy ticker. Cute, huh? If B.III cooperates, I'll change it to be more gender specific in a few weeks. Until then: green will do. :)

The Season of Growing

2010-05-14T19:37:00.003-06:00

It truly amazes me what spring can do for the soul. It's like everything wakes up inside me. Hope blooms.
It helps that the nausea is almost gone.
Even going to work isn't as hard when the sun shines down as I get in and out of the car - and don't have to take my shoes off when I go into people's houses. :) I'm uber-thankful that I'm not facility bound when this time of year comes around. I have vivid memories of watching at least 2 summers slide by through the windows of a hospital and nursing home.

This is all good, because I'm trying to work more hours over the next few months in order to increase my maternity leave income. After starting back to work (albeit casually) when Peyton was only 6 months old, I have my heart set on taking the full year off this time.

Kurt and I decided to get the nuchual translucency test done for this baby. It was never offered to us before - but now it's part of a routinely offered screen for Downs Syndrome. I honestly wasn't worried about that - I just wanted a look at the wee-one in all his/her squirmy glory.
The first test BManz III was too small to measure - so I had to reschedule for this past Monday. I am amazed at how much the baby had grown in a week-and-a-half. I actually said to the doctor, "Whoa. If it was a tumor growing that fast -" and she finished, "Yep. You'd be in trouble." :)

Seeing him/her made it a little bit more real. There is still - at times - such a sense of detachment from this pregnancy. I'm just sick. Or working. Or hanging out with Kurt and Peyton... and then I go to the doctor and see this baby jumping up and down off the walls of my uterus and think, "Wow God." and it kinda just stops there.

The strange (and hugely different part) of this pregnancy is that I'm not longing for it to be over. Unlike before. With Autumn it was our first baby - I couldn't wait to meet her - find out if she was indeed a "she". To find out who she looked like - try breastfeeding - do the whole sleep-deprivation thing.... everything new and exciting.

With Peyton there was such an urgency and longing to fill my empty arms. To hold my child. To hear her cries. Watch her chest move up and down as she slept. And that moment - still to this day the single best of my life - when she lay on my chest and took her first cries...
I can't even think of it without tears coming. How much I love the Lord for that moment.

This time, though - I am content to enjoy it. Having reached the second trimester, I'm not as eager to enter my third - knowing that it brings more fatigue, aching and - in my case - swelling. :) I want to savor the weeks with Peyton and Kurt - go to the lake, take walks, feel the baby grow and move and kick my ribs, find out the gender on the ultrasound, paint the room (yes, they'll share), drink a lot of dealcoholized beer (it's summer, after all - wink)... and to practice trusting God.

And yet - after all that - I also feel less "comfortable" in this third pregnancy. With Autumn I was naive. With Peyton, I felt somewhat certain that God would not break me again so quickly after her sister's death. But now... it's kinda hard to describe - other than to say that my heart's desire is to rest on God's goodness. To wait. To hope - preferably without fear.

I want to hang out with the whole passel of girls in our church who are expecting ( 3 within weeks of us!), and not be a reminder of what could happen. Honestly, as I've heard each joyful announcement, I've sent a plea heavenward, "Lord. Please don't let any of us be the one left behind..." I've done that. Yet even as that prayer is uttered, I know He both gives and takes away... and He sustains in both cases.

I want to watch God create this miraculous life - as He has done twice in my womb before - and simply marvel. He does not need my peace of mind to do that - nor does my anxiety hinder him. Good to remember.

So, only... counting quickly... 25 weeks to go. (small smile)
Thanks for your prayers, everyone.