Still True

I said it:

"So - as we were there, looking at our baby on the screen - we were amazed that God - who put her/him there in the first place - is building and maintaining "little Manz". Since worrying didn't put her/him there in the first place, we can rest and trust that worry won't keep the baby safe. But our God can! John Piper's love of "The God of molecules" rings a strong chord with me as I see our baby - who started as mere cells - growing and moving. There is a strange calm in knowing that this is one area we have absolutely no control of. God calls us to maintain that joy in Him, to know - again - that His timing and methods are best. I'm sure that I'll struggle with worry, or anxiety at some point (I am a hormonal woman working at a hospital!) - but I know - by God's grace - the joy of relaxing in the ONLY one who can control this issue."

After our 18-week ultrasound, May 16th, 2007

How could we have known where we could end up from that point?
And how could I have known that my own words would still ring true in a very different pregnancy one year later?

Resting in a lack of control? What a paradox.

From childhood we are cautioned against "blind faith". And from a worldly perspective that is really good advice! But a person's reliability is established by their character. There is no character as proven as Jesus Christ's. If He says He will hold me - I'm held.

Like a little kid jumping into her daddy's arms in the pool. There is absolutely no doubt that her father is not only capable - but couldn't possibly fail. We don't consider all the risks when we're little because we've never been let down. And God is even bigger than my dad. :)

He always does what He says He will do. He will not fail. He still controls molecules. I know it.

Tickle, Tickle

Don't you just hate those annoying little skin 'tickles' that feel like a spider is crawling on you?
Especially when it is a spider?

The worst part is realizing you've been trying to be 'mature' and not overreact to the tickling sensation on your leg - and when you finally look down some mini-tarantula making his way north. E-yuck.

After an experience like this, you never under-react to a suspicious tickle again. Each is valid . Each is investigated.

Why do I blog in this subject? There is something about this pregnancy that is making me feel like something is crawling on me. On the computer. On the couch. In the car. At church. Tickle, tickle, tickle...

Ankles. Arms. Neck. Funny little sensations that have me thinking, "What if..." And it just seems to be some kind of over-reactive nerve thing. So far, anyway.

Sigh.
My burden to bear, I guess...
Excuse me. I've got a tickle to check out.

One of Those "Tag" Things

Four Jobs I've Had:
1. RN - Home Care
2. RN - RUH 5100
3. RN - RUH 6100 (do you sense a theme? Yeah... I slaved for 5 years for that theme! chuckle)
4. Staples Business Depot - "that wasn't easy!" I only lasted 3 months before the pressure of sales got to me. Oh... and I failed a major pharmacology exam, too. :-P

Four Movies I've Watched More than Once:
1. While You Were Sleeping
2. Life is Beautiful
3. Emma (the Gwyenth Paltrow version)
4. Pride and Prejudice - the BBC miniseries version.

Four Places I Have Lived:
1. Leask, SK
2. Saskatoon, SK
3. Marcelin, SK
4. Laird, SK (infancy!)

Four TV Shows I Watch:
1. Lost
2. Cold Case
3. House
4. American Idol (although I was bummed when Carly got voted off...)

Four Places I Have Been:
1. Phoenix, Arizona
2. Los Angeles, California
3. Seaside Heights, New Jersey
4. Victoria, British Columbia (lest anyone think I do not travel within my own country)

Four People Who Email Me Regularly:
1. Laurie
2. my mom
3. Murray McLellan - via the church posting list! :)
4. My cousin, Tasha

Four of My Favorite Foods:
1. currently? Chicken McNuggets with BBQ sauce! MMMMM....
2. milk... perhaps not a "food" - but a craving!
3. pasta
4. steak

Four Places I Would Love to Visit:
1. Green Gables! (ARE YOU READING THIS, KURT????)
2. the Yukon territory - during summer!
3. Scotland - I love misty/rainy places!
4. A cruise ship... and wherever that may take me. Preferably Europe or Alaska... I'm not a tropics kind of girl.

Four Friends I'm Tagging:
Hmmm... just let me know if you do this on your blog, too. :)

Scenes from Manzville - May 8th, 2008

After scrounging around in my parent's fridge Thursday night, I pulled out a container of pasta that my dad hadn't finished (imagine that) from our outing to Poverinos.

Mmmm... chicken, and jalapeños.... just what the growing belly (newly released from most forms of nausea) ordered!

Just to be safe, I asked Kurt, "Did we go there on Sunday?"
I meant "last Sunday"- meaning "May 4th, only 4 short days ago".

Kurt replied, "Um... yeah. It was Sunday."

I ate the pasta. It was so good, I even contemplated having another serving. However, I got distracted by Lost and realized I didn't need anymore. Saved by the show...

My parents came home and asked what we had eaten for supper.
"Your leftover pasta." I told my dad.

He looked at me, widened his eyes and did a gag face.
"Yuck." He said. "That pasta was almost 2 weeks old - and it sat in a hot car all afternoon. I wouldn't have eaten it!"
Then he laughed. So did Kurt.
Great support, these 2 wonderful men in my life.
Yeah, the sarcasm is dripping from that statement. (chuckle)

But seriously - Eee-ewww.
I can't drink milk one day after the expiry date. Talk about trauma.

For the record - if my dad (mister "Don't be silly, Kendall. It's fine.") won't eat it, it's really risky.

When I looked accusingly at Kurt, he said (between chuckles), "I agreed to Sunday, but I thought you'd remember it was almost 2 weeks ago!"

Sigh.
I blame this lapse of food judgment on preggo-brain.

Fortunately, a few days have passed with no signs of food poisoning.
For this I am very grateful. :)

May 11th

A very special blessed Mother's Day to all those who are - along with me - missing chubby hands and cheeks, tummy time, snuggles, giggles and tickles.
I won't put all your names down... but if you've contacted me with a similar story, I'm thinking of all of you, and keeping you in my prayers.
Today was harder than I thought... a day I've dreaded since we buried her. Strange as it seems - I can picture what it could have been like on this - my first Mother's Day - and I'm missing her all over again.
But with a new life inside me, I'm not hopeless. When I'm honest, I can truthfully say I never was. Today at church, Murray said something along the lines of "When the Lord brings you through difficult circumstances, it's never to hurt you..." and although this has hurt - I know He is a good God. That's kind of an understatement, actually. I'm clinging to the fact that He is a good God. :)
And for the rest of you - Happy Mother's day! :) I hope your families are treating you with excessive kindness. :)

At Long Last...

We had our first major prenatal appointment today.

The baby's heart was clocked at 160 b.p.m. strong and steady... when I heard it, could have wept with joy. I didn't... but I'm not ruling it out as more awareness of what this means comes to me over the next few days.

We're praising God with calmed hearts... thanks for your prayers, everyone. :)

This next week will be busy - as were the last few! My new job starts full-swing this week... I'm pretty excited about that - even as I'm a little bit nervous. We also got all the wallpaper off the new house last week and all the holes patched - next weekend will be painting. I'll post as I can with before and after pictures. :)

Thanks for reading, everyone! :)

6 Months Gone

Six months came and went. I was dreading it - and the day ended up being so busy that I didn't have time to mourn. I did enough mourning leading up to it, I think. Saturday the 19th - early in the morning (around 2am) I lay in bed with tears thinking it was exactly six months since the last time I felt her move. It was hard... but God used some other stuff going on with family to keep me distracted - and for that I am thankful.

Today I went back and read some of my own posts from right after we found out she had died - and right after she was born. If I ever doubted the value of journaling thoughts and emotions... let's just say I'm glad I can go back and remember where I've come from.

I'm reminded Who had held us... and rejoice in the fact that I've made it through 6 months without Autumn. I quake inside with the hope that, perhaps, in 6 more months I will hold her little brother or sister in my arms. I pray so.

I saw a Ron DiCianni painting once - a rendering of Simeon holding Christ at the temple after waiting his whole life for the Messiah. Joy - unspeakable joy - and tears. You can peek at it here - but it isn't nearly as good as seeing it live. :) It'll have to do for now, though. It captures the emotions of how I think I'll feel when I finally hold our child in my arms.

... lots to bring before God, isn't there? :)

One other note: yesterday our back yard was filled with fat-little Robins! At one point I counted 30 in our tree alone - and the neighbor's tree was full as well. The cat (belonging to another neighbor) was going nuts... (chuckle) Some of them are back today - but not as many as yesterday. It was truly amazing - wonder what they were all doing here?