Joy to Sorrow

Autumn Elizabeth Lee Manz's heart stopped beating October 19th, 2007, and she was born still on October 21st.

This blog post - written October 20th, 2007 - was the first public acknowledgment of our new life as grieving parents after receiving the news.

Since it was written, God has proven Himself strong not only by sustaining us, but by blessing us with two more healthy daughters: Peyton Grace Elaine (October 19th, 2008), and Tenley Breanna Lynn (November 6th, 2010).

We are humbled by these two beautiful gifts.

Autumn is missed every single day... but we cannot doubt God has made us into the parents (and people!) we are because of her loss.

To read more of her story - and ours as we continue to live and grieve - follow the label "Autumn Elizabeth Lee" at the end of this post.

They will start at the most recent - but track backwards to read them in chronological order.

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Around 5 pm yesterday Kurt and I received the news that our baby's heart stopped beating sometime during the night or morning.
Our hearts are aching for this loss - the joys of expectation shattered and broken.

I, truly, am undone.

And yet... this has been hand-picked by our God for us to bear... and we do not want to dishonor him by dull-minded complaints.
He knows our hearts. He has examined our frame and found we are but dust... and he knew the second that our baby's life left. Not only that... but he decided it. I write it with tears streaming down my face... but with conviction in my heart.
He is a Man of Sorrows - he was acquainted with grief... no one else could sympathize with us as Him... and we love Him more for this.
We've just come home on a pass from a very long day at the hospital where the doctor inserted a drug intended to soften my cervix and bring on labor... and although I'm cramping and spotting there is nothing that said we couldn't come home and try to sleep - as last night was full of sorrow and tears. We will be heading back tomorrow morning to retry another insertion - or sooner if my water breaks. And then the plan is to enter full-scale labor and push out the baby normally.

Please, please pray for us, and for our families... half of our grief is seeing the sorrow of our parents who we love so dearly... and knowing that this baby was a cause of joy for so many.
We will be planning our baby's funeral in the coming days, and will need strength for that. God has already used our little one's death to spread his fame... and we are glad for that.
God does what is best - all the time. For He is all-good and all-wise and always does what is right. We cannot see clearly now - but truly: the 'shine' of this world has been somewhat dulled by the pain of our baby's death... and we remember that this world is not our home. We are waiting and hoping for something better. We know that joy does return, but we have been sobered and taught to always seek God as our source of comfort and happiness.

This is not what I would have chosen - but "to whom else will we turn"?

Today in the hospital, Kurt read me a passage that made tears stream down my face: "You who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice: though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold which perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ - whom having not seen you love."

Our faith is precious: pray that we would guard it and continue to love Jesus - even though we do not see Him. The coming days will be hard - devastatingly so. But God knows. I want to feel, as surly as I feel my husband's hand holding mine, that our God is there when we hold our baby and say goodbye and that He is trustworthy and without fault... because that is true.

Thanks everyone.
Love
Kurt & Kendall