November 2nd

It's true... the day we've been waiting for for months is almost here.
November 3rd is tomorrow.

I still have to pack that darn hospital bag. I know, I know.
Bad. I really do know that.
(parts of it are 'stacked-neatly' in my room - ready for placing in a bag... so it isn't all bad)

But - I dunno... deep down I just kinda know I won't go into labor early. It isn't even something that runs in my family (maternal side, anyway).
Having been through this twice before, I think there would be a few more signs - and I never got that sense.

That said - if I'm wrong and my water breaks in the next two hours - you have my permission to say, "Silly-procrastinator, Kendall."

But the girl's (plural!) room is done.
And absolutely delightful! :)

Kurt did a super job of building a closet-organizer - from scratch. I told him what I wanted (handed him a scrap of paper and said, "Can you build this closet for me by next week, honey?"), and he did all the measuring, cutting, painting, and placement.

Everything fit perfectly the first time. I'm so proud of him.
Peyton - after seeing the completed project for the first time - said, "Wow! Good job, Daddy!" I think that might have meant even more to him than my praise. :)

All of the kid's clothes now have a place in the closet, and the change-table can be kept solely for diapers, blankets, bedding and receiving blankets. A dream come true...

Peyton is beyond thrilled at her big-girl bed. The first thing she did when she saw it put together this morning (we finished up after she went to bed in our room last night) was grab a book off her shelf and "read" in her bed. She also keeps looking at the two new pink walls and exclaiming, "Wow! Pink!" with a big grin. :)

(Funny story: After the first coat, Kurt stood back and said, "We're promoting our own breast-cancer awareness with this room." lol!)

The only things missing are the closet doors, toy box and the new baby's name-lettering.

The first item is in Saskatoon waiting for pickup at Rona. (We had to custom-order them because the size of the opening isn't 'standard'.)

The second is waiting for pick-up at my parent's house (a 3rd generation toy box, no less!). It will likely go at the foot of Peyton's bed (where that tub is now).

The third is an item custom made by my dear friend Katrina - who has her own family (including a baby daughter!) to contend with. :) But we'll eventually get it hooked up - and the letters will go above the crib just like Peyton's are above her bed.

Both the first and second item(s) have to be primed and painted - but Kurt has this lovely thing called a 'heated garage' which makes painting an easy task even in the dead of winter. :)

Having a room which can hold the belongings of two children in an organized fashion made us decidedly more relaxed - versus last week when we were thinking something along the lines of, "Where the heck are we gonna put TWO kids??"

It also helped that I was successful at washing, sorting and organizing all of Peyton's old clothes. I purged just the right amount of "stuff" to assure I'm not overwhelmed later.

Today holds the intensive house-cleaning that has been severely neglected the past few weeks.

(I need clean bathrooms before I can go give birth. Is that strange?
(I already know your answer, Jen V.T. - lol!
Disclaimer: I will not be washing my floors on my hands-and-knees today!)

Laundry (including sheets, clothes and towels) washed, winter-bedding on, dusting, garbage out, fridge cleaned, and - of course - the bathrooms, vacuuming and washing the floors (with a mop!) are all on the list.

Basically, I don't want to worry about anything but sleeping and nursing when I get home. :)

Anyway... thanks to all who are praying for us. Peace of mind seems to be a harder thing to fight for as we get closer. Even last night as we finished the girl's room, I was dealing with, "What if..." thoughts.

But I am choosing to trust God with hope - which is pretty all-encompassing - be it hope that all things will turn out well - or hope that He has done and will always do what is best for us.

I'll do my best to keep you posted! :)

K-OS

My life, that is.
(I do love the Steve Carell version of Get Smart. Saw the malfunctioning cone-of-silence scene on TV the other day and started laughing out loud...)

I thought about taking a picture of my bedroom - which currently has all of Peyton's clothes from the last 2 years in various stages of sorting and stacking... what to keep and what to give away?

(If I keep a third of what Peyton owned, this next one is still gonna be one trendy baby!)

Today I said to Kurt, "Well. I guess I should get about packing that hospital bag."
Bless his heart. All he said was, "Yeah, that would be a great idea, Kendall."

This, of course, led to taking out all the tubs of clothes for sorting, etc - 'cause I have to put baby clothes in my hospital bag, too, right?

How do I have only one week to go and still feel like it's gonna be forever until I meet this baby?

Oh well... whatever gets done, gets done. The rest can wait.
In k-os, I guess.

October 3 (in a nutshell)

I'm 30.
I've got a cold.
So does my daughter...
therefore, no trek into Saskatoon this morning.

Kurt is trucking.
... but we had a great visit this morning and he 'told' me what his birthday card would say.
He's very sweet, and I am mega-in-love with that man.

It's a gorgeous day - so despite the runny noses and annoying coughs:
We're planning on having a picnic in the grain truck this afternoon.

Baby is active!

Also:
I love coffee.

We bought a new truck yesterday
... and I said goodbye to both my minivan and my SUV. (sigh)
But I'll put up a picture of the new truck very soon.
It's pretty much as sexy as a 1/2 ton(ne), 4x4, extended-cab truck can be.
At least I think so. :)

Drama, right?

Family Photo

A tiny sample of our family photo-shoot with Julie Cortens on the 19th of September.














In other news, I've picked an end date for work. After a heart-to-heart with my doctor which revealed that I'm a little to... cumbersome (?) to continue to work this job in it's full-capacity right now, I've sent in the paperwork to my manager
It's actually a relief.
2-more 8-hour shifts to go!
--
I woke up the other morning and realized I'm only days away from my 30th birthday. Sheesh.
--
I bought the baby's 'going-home' outfit yesterday. It's amazing what a leap of faith it feels like.
I felt that way after we bought Peyton's 'Apple-of-Daddy's-Eye' onsie, too.
I woke up at 5 am this morning (thanks bladder!) and couldn't get back to sleep because I hadn't felt her move.
So I poked and prodded and jostled until I felt some wiggles... which enabled me to be able to drift back off.
She avenged herself by a series of super hard kicks which actually hurt. It was kinda like, "Now you know how it feels!" (chuckle)
Sorry, Goobers.
--

It's A...

Double-check successful today: little girl parts were clearly visible.

Baby Manz III is - with almost absolute certainty - a third daughter. :)

She's also pretty chubby and cute already - only at 32 weeks! Even in a less-than-state-of-the-art ultrasound picture - that was wonderfully obvious to us. Her heartbeat was strong, bones were straight and her size was exactly where it should be. She was also very, very active - the picture we got printed off was a little blurry 'cause the child would not sit still for even a moment! :)

We cannot wait to meet her!
Nor can Peyton - who announced to the receptionists at the doctor's office (while pointing to the ultrasound picture she was allowed to carry to the car) "My baby sister!" :)

Memories

I did it again tonight.
Found myself in Peyton's room - cuddling her while she slept in my arms.
Such a big girl now - she stretches from my shoulders to just above my knees when she's all flopped out. :)

I've heard the second pregnancy after a loss is a challenge. I've found that my third is causing some struggles.
Even the way this baby moves reminds me of Autumn.
Maybe because my second pregnancy was so close to my first - in a lot of ways they seemed to blend into one, two-year (almost!) experience... and the end result was Peyton.

But - there have been some mornings and I've woken with a sense of panic. I haven't felt the baby move. I remember the morning of the day we found out Autumn died. How absurdly normal it was. How I must have walked around for hours without the awareness that she had slipped away...
This baby squirms around at night while I'm reading - I remember how very similar Autumn's last movements were. Her last movements.
I remember stretching out our firstborn daughter on that hospital bed and taking her all in: her tiny perfection - and I remember weeping with the futility of it all.

Oh God.
My prayers are so feeble.
There have been more tears in the last week then in the last 6 months.
In church on Sunday I looked at my picture of her and cried. Exactly what emotion was behind it, I'd be hard pressed to give an accurate answer.
At the baby shower, watching another of my friends expect her first with eager anticipation, I ached. Not with jealousy. Not with anger. Just with memories - remembering planning and hoping and being so close to meeting our firstborn...
On the way home, I cried as I told Kurt about the shower. I cried for me: for hope deferred. For my baby girl who never took a breath. For Kurt, who spent a lifetime with Autumn - holding her for two hours in a leather rocking chair in the room she was born in.
But that's been the case lately.

This morning, while drinking coffee I flashed back to locking myself in the bathroom at my parent's house after the funeral. It was easily 2 or 3 in the morning - and I couldn't breathe. I sat down on the edge of the tub and wept. Deep, wracking, lack-of-breath sobs that knocked me out of a sitting position and left me curled in the fetal position on the floor. My baby girl was gone and she was never coming back. The terrible finality of it was so overwhelming. Months of hope replaced by... what? There were no clear answers.

My mom was the one who heard me - still tuned to the noises her children make when all is not well. She knocked softly and came in. I heard her whisper, "Oh Kendall." and then she sat on the floor beside me and rocked me like a baby. I remember her saying she wished she could take it for me as she wept.
Me too.
27 years old... happy marriage, career in place - but wishing with all my might that my mommy could just make it better again. That part of the memory has become really clear as Peyton is daily healed by my kisses. I know now - in a very small way as I have only dealt with a toddler's woes - how hard that must have been for my mom to watch her only daughter crumpled on the floor in grief and not be able to do anything.

I remember so clearly how the tears never really helped for a very long time - they just left me empty. Remembering that despair is hard. That is the pit that God took me out off. The fear of falling back in does funny things to my heart.

Flash forward.
Do I believe lightning can strike twice? Do I trust odds, or the God who loves me?
I hold Peyton and am thankful for the reminder that He can make healthy babies. But I don't take anything as proof I shall have another healthy child. This reality has never changed. The difference is in how I react to it. Do I cower? Or do I stand?

As of now, God is giving me strength to stand. And all the while, this little child squirms and wiggles... her 'sweet spot' mere finger-breadths from where Autumn's was. So bittersweet.

The memories are part of my history. But more than that, they've molded the woman I am. So I'm not fighting them right now. I'm walking in with a deep breath. Talking through stuff with Kurt... and taking lots of time to hug and cuddle my almost 2-year-old child of grace.

I'm also letting myself cry again. But the difference is that the tears don't leave me empty anymore. They're actually making me feel better. The despair is gone. I'm overwhelmingly grateful to God.

We're getting there...
Thanks for your prayers.

Twinges and Stuff

So yesterday it all hit me.
The lower back pain. Shortness of breath. Achy legs.
In Rona. :-P
I did a 5-minute squat in the hinges aisle attempting to give my back a rest.
If I wasn't so uncomfortable I would have laughed. I seriously considered asking Kurt if I could ride in the cart with Peyton. (lol!)

30 weeks, 2 days.
Subtract 14 days - and it's less than 55 days until we meet our 3rd daughter. With that amazing thought, I've created an all new "must do" list for Kurt us to accomplish. I'm also mulling over a hospital bag: remembering what I needed, what I didn't and wondering how long I'll actually be there this time.

According to our doctor yesterday, she's head-down and measuring roughly 32 weeks in size. This isn't a shock: 37-week-Peyton was only 3 ounces smaller than 4-days-overdue-Autumn. This kid won't be hurting too much with a 38 week induction, size-wise. With that logic, neither will I.
;-D

I'll be honest: I am less ambitious about my original "I'll work until 36 weeks." plan today.
But I do have several days off - in a row! Thanks Lord.
I need it and Peyton needs it.

But mostly I need it.

On another note, Kurt broke down yesterday. I didn't fight too hard, though.
NFL season starting (a Saints/Vikings rematch!), constant rain, the early darkness, and no TV was a little too much.
Our Star Choice is now hooked back up... so I have an excuse to sit on the couch with feet elevated when time allows.
Bring on the new season of 'What Not To Wear"! (chuckle)

Anti-Stress?

It's funny how fear creeps in.
And I don't mean funny, "Ha-ha."

It's not like my world doesn't have the reality of a lost baby. I have friends all over who are living with the same heartbreak - some even more tragic than my own. But all these joint experiences seem to combine, at times, into a mindset where it is a true miracle that any baby is born healthy and alive.

I lay down for a nap on Saturday and got up around 4. Between 4 and 7 I only felt the faintest of flutters - odd for a baby who is getting pretty active. Crazy active at times.

So I prepared supper and played with Peyton and prayed. Ate supper praying with each bite. Bathed my daughter and reminded myself of Who gave her to me. I did some stuff on the computer with my mind and heart pleading, "Please Lord. Not again."

The end of that story was that she did - of course - start moving more urgently as the evening wore on. By the time Kurt got home at 10:30, she was causing my whole stomach to shift from side-to-side. I was beyond relieved.

I'm not ever in a place where I can think, "Of course she's okay." because I know that isn't necessarily true. Just wanting something to be fine doesn't make it so. Telling yourself positive mantras doesn't affect reality. Laughing at your fears doesn't make them irrelevant. When the world crashes around you, the anti-stress workshops seem almost comic in their simplistic approach to life.

This world is a place where bad stuff does happen. To think otherwise is kind of a head-in-the-sand approach.

So how does anyone cope?

In my case, it's Jesus.

Because I know He loves me. He has planned my future.
This baby, Peyton and Autumn are known to Him. He has given me all my children - but they are ultimately His.

I am known to Him. Whatever circumstances come across my path - tragic or triumphant - are for my good, His glory - and I will see that someday. I believe it - really I do.

He has humbled me and made me dependent. That's okay. Because just like chanting positive thoughts doesn't make tragedy disappear - thinking I'm in control doesn't make it so. How much better to embrace it - and better yet! - to embrace the One who has a firm grasp on the steering wheel?

Thanks to those of you who keep our family in your prayers and thoughts... it means so much. Keep up the good work! :)

I have no doubt that God is using all of that to keep us stable and sane. :)

27 Weeks

To quote Peyton: "Holy 'mokes!"

Another holy 'moke?
How quickly the counter is edging towards 100,000 visitors!
So thanks for that, friends. :)

3rd Trimester, Dead Ahead

Today I have a foot, or elbow, or knee - something pointy! - sliding back and forth across my belly. 'She' has really ramped up her activity - and I'm really feeling the subsequent energy drain. (chuckle)

I told my manager I'd work until October 18th - but I'm wondering how that's going to play out. Not for lack of willingness to try, though! Take yesterday for example: I didn't even have to "do" too much, but after an afternoon of computer work I was almost limping as I left the office. It felt like 'she' was plucking at my sacroiliac nerve like a bowstring. (grin)

Even with this being my 3rd pregnancy, I'm surprised to remember how quickly the 2nd trimester "honeymoon" turns into 3rd trimester exhaustion. I guess it is official tomorrow - so I really shouldn't be shocked that I'm starting to get achy, short of breath, and am also - on top of everything! - waddling. (lol!) I'm not complaining - really. I'm just kinda amazed at how fast we got here.

It doesn't 'help' that our past 4 weeks have been a constant stream of activity: working, lakes, camping, driving, date-weekends (:))...

We want to do all this stuff - but when I wonder, out-loud, at 7 pm, "Geez. I'm tired. I wonder why?" Kurt just looks at me, my belly and our calender as if it say, "Duh, woman."

So onward we press - and this summer is flying by. We've gotten to do pretty much everything on our list: lots of swimming, time outside, and quality time together. B-G-III continues to grow, and is making up for her lack of activity over the first few months every night. I have two weekends back-to-back come end of August and September long... and then things will start to - please Lord? - slow down a little.

Just in time for harvest. (grin)

Isn't He Handsome?

Never mind. You don't have to answer that. :)

On another - and completely unrelated - note: 79 days! :-O

Two Years Difference

A comparison of these two pictures made me feel a little better about my 25-week gestation body. :)

After looking at them too long, I started to think there was no actual difference. Then I asked my mom and she said, "Wow. You're doing good." (grin!)

So yeah - that extra 30 lbs I was carrying while pregnant with Peyton does show in the first picture a little bit.

One more point which makes me happy: the first picture was taken around 7 am - before I went to work. Fresh hair, fresh makeup - clean clothes... you get the point.
By the end of the day I was no-doubt puffy, saggy and otherwise severely- haggard looking. :) It was also an emotionally challenging pregnancy - which I think aged me a little bit around the eyes.

It really started to show up around 28-29 weeks. In those pictures, I look exhausted and big.

So that said: this second picture was taken at 11:30 pm Wednesday night: after I had worked all afternoon and been kept awake because of coughing the night before. I was also having a less-than-perfect hair day, and wasn't wearing much for makeup.

Don't get me wrong. I'm no pregnant Heidi Klum (sigh...), but overall I'm thinking, "Meh. (shrug-sound) I guess it ain't so bad after all..."

With only 13 weeks go go, I'm thanking Jesus that this pregnancy has been relatively stress free so far. Baby is kicking like mad - growing great, and I'm busy enough that I'm literally forced to let God do his thing.

I'm thankful that despite everything every pregnant gal goes through with body-image, etc - I've been able to get pregnant again and that my body is doing okay so far. :)

I'm also very thankful that my bum hasn't gotten as big as it was. :-P

Time Adjustment

This kinda feels like cheating - but with the 14-day adjustment, my countdown clock should actually read, "about 92 days to go."

Holy Cow!
How did it get below 100 so quickly???

Poll Closed (You're Welcome)

Okay, I'm satisfied. That was great!
Especially if you haven't (or don't often) commented before - I really appreciated it. :)

I have to say I was thinking the same as most (64.1%) of you: a boy for sure.

It took me a while to reconfigure my picture of the future when the technician said, "Well... I don't see any obvious boy-parts."

Huh?

Both Kurt and I looked at each other and were like, "Really? Three girls?" (I laughed when I read your response, Amber! :-D)

But yeppers - Baby Manz III is - in all likelihood - a girl.

The lady was 90% sure (I like to ask), so I guess there is a 10% chance that she isn't a girl... but we are 21 weeks along - so if there were boy-parts there they'd probably show up. In addition, she showed us an area that was probably girl-part-ish. So we're pretty convinced.

So now Peyton is telling people she's having a "Bebe sisser". I'll try to get it on video and post it one of these days - it's pretty cute!

Thanks for guessing, everyone. :)

I LOVE Polls!

So - we had the ultrasound on Tuesday. Our goal (after making sure he/she was healthy) was to find out whether he/she is a he or a she!

Even if you already know - go ahead and add your answer. I'll post the true result after a satisfying number of guesses. (Bah-ha-ha! I feel like Ryan Seacrest!)

BTW: if you want to leave a comment telling me who you are which answer you picked, I'd love to know who thinks what! :)

Halfway There

19 weeks!
The nice thing about a planned induction at 38 weeks is that I'm a week ahead of the regular 'halfway' point. :)
I'm already using 3 pillows under my legs at night... bring on the chubby ankles, baby!

I Love Surprises

I feel like I'm not even pregnant some days.
And then I get that little flutter deep down inside and remember. :)
I'm really thankful God made this little one so active so early, too - it is a blessing to my heart since I don't trust my own womb to keep him or her safe and insulated from danger. Feeling those movements remind me daily of who made this baby, and who keeps him or her safe. And more to that point: that my worrying doesn't do a thing.

It's so strange how different it is, though.
I spent hours in my first two pregnancies daydreaming about the future: the baby's looks, feedings, using the carseat... and the second had such a heightened sense of urgency. The summer felt like years.
And this time?
I'm get a little surprised every few days. I plan things to do this summer and Kurt will be like, "You'll be how many weeks along then?" and I think, "Oh yeah. No water-skiing this year."

I think it will (somewhat obviously) begin to make a bigger impact on me as the next few weeks go by. And then - baby willing - we'll be able to find out the gender at our ultrasound... which will make it more real, I'm sure.

But for now - it's kinda like Christmas every day. (chuckle)

Time Is Flying

So - the real reason I wanted to confess my pregnancy on the blog is so that I could keep track of it with a counter.
I blinked twice today when it said 15 weeks.
Holy smokes.
How did that happen so quickly??

Za Wee Bump

... and Peyton saying, "Cheese!" She does that every time she sees a camera, now. :)

Pre-date last night - those are preggo jeans. I already have some of the stuff. Why not be comfortable, right? :) I'm only 13 weeks and I honestly look at least 16 or 18. Sigh.
Oh well - 3rd baby, right? Gotta love it!

Anyway - the movie was interrupted by a power-outage. It was so far so good... but we got theater credits to go see it again.
Or, as my husband casually suggested as we exited the lobby, "We could just rent this one at home and go see Robin Hood." Hmmmm...

It's okay. I actually prefer to watch movies at home. Eat my own food. Use my own bathroom. Wear my jammie-jams and get a back rub from Kurt - without having to sit elbow-to-elbow with strangers. Besides - I swear that theaters smell like feet. I deal with that enough for work.

Win. Win.

Oh - and one more pic that helps sum-up date night:
This is Kurt's face as he realized what the little "treat" of side-gravy for the fries cost us - a whopping $1.25 - lol!

I couldn't stop laughing after I looked at this picture. He's trying to be calm (it is "date night" after all) - but you can tell by his eyes that he's kinda freaking out on the inside.

Ahhhhh... I so love, love, love my thrifty German boy. :-D

The Season of Growing

It truly amazes me what spring can do for the soul. It's like everything wakes up inside me. Hope blooms.
It helps that the nausea is almost gone.
Even going to work isn't as hard when the sun shines down as I get in and out of the car - and don't have to take my shoes off when I go into people's houses. :) I'm uber-thankful that I'm not facility bound when this time of year comes around. I have vivid memories of watching at least 2 summers slide by through the windows of a hospital and nursing home.

This is all good, because I'm trying to work more hours over the next few months in order to increase my maternity leave income. After starting back to work (albeit casually) when Peyton was only 6 months old, I have my heart set on taking the full year off this time.

Kurt and I decided to get the nuchual translucency test done for this baby. It was never offered to us before - but now it's part of a routinely offered screen for Downs Syndrome. I honestly wasn't worried about that - I just wanted a look at the wee-one in all his/her squirmy glory.
The first test BManz III was too small to measure - so I had to reschedule for this past Monday. I am amazed at how much the baby had grown in a week-and-a-half. I actually said to the doctor, "Whoa. If it was a tumor growing that fast -" and she finished, "Yep. You'd be in trouble." :)

Seeing him/her made it a little bit more real. There is still - at times - such a sense of detachment from this pregnancy. I'm just sick. Or working. Or hanging out with Kurt and Peyton... and then I go to the doctor and see this baby jumping up and down off the walls of my uterus and think, "Wow God." and it kinda just stops there.

The strange (and hugely different part) of this pregnancy is that I'm not longing for it to be over. Unlike before. With Autumn it was our first baby - I couldn't wait to meet her - find out if she was indeed a "she". To find out who she looked like - try breastfeeding - do the whole sleep-deprivation thing.... everything new and exciting.

With Peyton there was such an urgency and longing to fill my empty arms. To hold my child. To hear her cries. Watch her chest move up and down as she slept. And that moment - still to this day the single best of my life - when she lay on my chest and took her first cries...
I can't even think of it without tears coming. How much I love the Lord for that moment.

This time, though - I am content to enjoy it. Having reached the second trimester, I'm not as eager to enter my third - knowing that it brings more fatigue, aching and - in my case - swelling. :) I want to savor the weeks with Peyton and Kurt - go to the lake, take walks, feel the baby grow and move and kick my ribs, find out the gender on the ultrasound, paint the room (yes, they'll share), drink a lot of dealcoholized beer (it's summer, after all - wink)... and to practice trusting God.

And yet - after all that - I also feel less "comfortable" in this third pregnancy. With Autumn I was naive. With Peyton, I felt somewhat certain that God would not break me again so quickly after her sister's death. But now... it's kinda hard to describe - other than to say that my heart's desire is to rest on God's goodness. To wait. To hope - preferably without fear.

I want to hang out with the whole passel of girls in our church who are expecting ( 3 within weeks of us!), and not be a reminder of what could happen. Honestly, as I've heard each joyful announcement, I've sent a plea heavenward, "Lord. Please don't let any of us be the one left behind..." I've done that. Yet even as that prayer is uttered, I know He both gives and takes away... and He sustains in both cases.

I want to watch God create this miraculous life - as He has done twice in my womb before - and simply marvel. He does not need my peace of mind to do that - nor does my anxiety hinder him. Good to remember.

So, only... counting quickly... 25 weeks to go. (small smile)
Thanks for your prayers, everyone.