In The Rough

For some reason, this day has felt all wrong.
I'm discontent.
Moody.
Ugh.
I often scoff at the hormone excuse... but I'm in a real battle for happiness... for no apparent reason.

Or - depending on how self-justified I'm feeling - I feel like I have lots of reasons.

I miss Autumn. Worse than it's been in a while.

I got an email today notifying me that someone has subscribed to my YouTube videos. I checked it out, only to find that this person also subscribed to a number of heartbreaking videos from parents with children who had either died, or were sick.
I know - I know better! - that it's not a good idea for me to look at that kind of stuff. Even on a good day, it's an area I have almost no tolerance for. My own grief is magnified in the face of other people's sufferings. The covering on that wound is fragile and soft - easily breached.

And yet I watched. Or linked to blogs and read.
With tears.
I hate suffering. I hate that babies die.

Over 2 years ago, I said goodbye to a daughter I never got a chance to know. And today - reading other people's stories - it's all right here. (pointing to my heart) Heavy, achy grief that sinks down deep.

Like I said: a rough day so far.
I need time with God - but today the Casting Crowns song, "East to West" is speaking to my mood.
"I start the day, the war begins - endless reminding of my sin. And time and time again your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in.
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from you leaving me this way...."
Fighting for joy is hard work. I'm weak.
If you could pray for me, I'd appreciate it.

Timing

It's funny when I reorganize my day because I think Peyton will probably wake up soon - and then she sleeps for another hour-and-a-half. (shaking head with a sigh)

Ha-ha.

Ahhh... Toasty!

I used to mock my mom for this.
(I know - I'm a bad daughter.)
Now Kurt and I eagerly watch the calender with bated anticipation rivaled only by Christmas morning itself...

It's time for the Fireplace Channel (in HD, no less!)!!

(Peyton is pointing and saying, "Hot.")

24 hours a day. 7 days a week.
Yuletide spirit on Star Choice 268...
And a merry Christmas to all 'cause it's free!

B0-yeah.

We literally giggled when it showed up on our TV listings. We were so sad last year when they cut it off after New Year's Day.
Look - the irony of me having a real-live fireplace right beside the tv isn't lost on me, okay? I just like my fires big.
And it's mine (all mine!) to enjoy for a whole month.
Bring on the eggnog and Christmas jingles - this girl's got the spirit!

Snickers in the Afternoon

And I don't mean the candy-bar!

I was waiting for Peyton to wake up from her nap and turned on the tv to pass the last few minutes. America's Funniest Home Videos was on and I have to say I've forgotten how crazy-funny that show is. I have tear-stains down my cheeks and a big grin on my face. Good way to meet my daughter after her nap, right?

It only makes me hope I can catch all my kid's embarrassing moments on camera and profit from them! :-D

These Shoes Were Made For Walking

I have to say that listening to the bible on CD while walking on the treadmill has been a really good thing. I can walk while I work my way through the Word - two things that are both necessary and enjoyable for me.

Score!

Then I hit Leviticus.

This is dry stuff, baby.

"Burn this."
"Don't eat that."
"Dress this way."
"Sprinkle blood over there."
"This is 'unclean'."
"This is 'clean'."

... yikes.

So, if nothing else, this section of scripture is making me unspeakably thankful for the new Covenant which says, "You can't do it. Jesus did it. Trust Him."

Score. :)

The Aquarium

Baby Peyton: meet Baby Beluga.

The Manz Clan In Vancouver

Where we've been since October 31st. :)