Another October 19th

I still feel badly that Peyton's birthday is shared with the anniversary of Autumn's death. But there really is no getting around it. It wasn't planned - it just is. And the Lord knew what He was doing.

I had a good cry on the night of the 18th. Mourning the little girl who never became part of our family - gone before I knew her. I let myself remember not only her death - but life before she died. Both bring tears.

... and yet - my life is full of contentment. My girls bring me such joy.

Peyton is the walking, talking, jumping, rhyming, running definition of life.
Tenley is mischievous, glowing, affectionate and clever.

I wonder what our family would be like if they really were our second and third child.
I wonder what Autumn would look like now. What she would sound like. So many unknowns. Sometimes, when Peyton is particularly amusing (you know, when your child does something you just shake your head in wonderment at and think, "How did you become like this?") I find myself pausing and thinking about the little life which just vanished from mine. Those moments are still challenging.

I wish we didn't have to plan a graveyard visit and balloon release tomorrow. But I wouldn't trade it. Sharing that experience with Peyton and Tenley is our family's way of marking Autumn's life. She is the reason for so many things.

A journey to the graveyard on October 21st is our life. For better or worse, this is the family we've been given. The history we've lived and the future we have hope for. We are who we are by the grace and purpose of God. That's really good to cling to when my heart threatens to break again.

I miss Autumn. But I have peace.

I love you forever.
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living -
these three girls
my babies will be.

Daddy Tells the BEST Stories

... a warm and sunny afternoon in our sun porch after a trip to the library made for the perfect opportunity to tell the riveting tale of 'Piggy Pie'...
I'm not sure whose expressions I enjoy more: the girl's or Kurt's! :)

The Superstore Incident

AND a VERY happy Canada Day to you! :)

--

So Peyton's power of speech continues to grow by leaps and bounds. She rarely has trouble expressing exactly what she wants us to know. And I've gotten quite used to knowing what she's saying in pretty much every situation.

We were in line at Superstore on Thursday. She was in the first cart (Kurt's) and I was behind with the second and Tenley. She was kinda being "punchy" (our family word for bratty - but not as harsh-sounding, right?) a few minutes before - but seemed momentarily content. She was transfixed on the cashier - a middle-aged woman who was calmly pushing the items over the scanner and toward Kurt who was packing like a madman at the end of the conveyer belt.

I was distracted from my bored perusal of the Soap Opera magazines by Peyton's voice announcing, "She's fat. Fat, fat, fat! Wow! She's so fat!"

To say I was shocked would be an understatement.

"Peyton!" I said sternly, "WHO are you talking about?" (note to other mom's out there who may be potentially embarrassed by their child's total lack of guile - for pity's sake! if the clarification is going to be brutal - don't ask publicly!)

"That lady, mommy." she said.
POINTING at the cashier.
"She's fat!"

The cashier glanced up at me in time to see my horrified expression. As I looked back at her with a mortified apology written all over my face, she simply shrugged and looked down.

"I'm SO sorry. I don't know what she's talking about! You are not fat!" I gasped.

Then, looking at Peyton, I said in my MOST stern voice, "Peyton Grace Elaine. That is not something you say about or to people. It is unkind. Do you understand?"

She was first puzzled, and then sullen and irritated looking as she replied, "Okay, Mommy. I understand."

I probably apologized at least 3 more times - and also reassured the cashier that I would be discussing some things with my daughter later. She - to her immense credit - was very easy-going and said to me, "You know what? Don't worry about it. Really. I just roll with the punches."

Augh! My daughter punched someone with her MOUTH!

And seriously? (My pride reared it's ugly head.) If my TWO year old is saying that kind of stuff in public, WHERE are people going to think she got it from? From her mother, that's who! I'm going to be thought of as one of those moms who bad-mouths other people in front of my kids. No! No! No! NOOOOO!

-- Now, it is important to note that the cashier really wasn't fat - I wasn't just being politically correct and horrified at the child saying something I myself was secretly thinking. Not that she would be allowed to say such a thing even if the person were heavy!

It's also important to note that we don't use that word in our house at all unless we're talking about something on the edge of a piece of bacon. If you ask Peyton why mommy goes on the treadmill or works out, she'll reply, "To be healthy!"

I've never said a word in front of my girls about wanting to lose weight, or being/feeling 'fat', and we don't even own a scale. It helps that I don't think that way about myself. Besides, they'll figure out the world's standard of thin = beauty soon enough - poor things. But I don't want their insecurities to ever be justified by something they see their own mother pursuing/thinking/obsessing about.

Maybe I'll post on this someday - because I've put a lot of thought into it especially having daughters. But not today! :) )

--
Kurt, meanwhile, was so busy packing he was totally oblivious to the entire interaction.
When we rolled up beside each other outside before we headed to the truck, I asked him to stop so we could talk.

"Ask our daughter what she just said to the cashier." I said with a frown.

He looked at me, and then down at Peyton's innocent face staring back at him.
"What did you say, Peyton?" he asked.

"Nothing." she replied simply.

"That's not true, Peyton!" said an indignant mommy. To Kurt, I blurted, "She told the cashier she was fat!"

"What???" said Kurt.
I was glad to see his horror justifying my own.
"Peyton! Why would you say she was fat?"

"I didn't say that!" she replied with a frown.

Taking a big, dramatic breath, she pronounced with great gusto, "Fats. She was really fats."

We stared at her for a series of heartbeats before I replied, "Fast? You were saying she was fast?"

"Yeah!" she replied with a huge grin and her hands passing sideways mimicking a cashier's slide down the conveyer belt. "She was so fatsT!"

Her tongue literally poked from between her teeth to click out the previously missing - and all-important - 'T'.

Oh, the sweet, sweet clarification of an extra consonant.

You better believe I turned my cart around - Tenley and all - and walked right back into that store. Hey, I'm a woman too - and if some little kid looked at me and announced authoritatively that I was fat, it wouldn't matter HOW good I felt about myself. There would be some damage.

When she looked up and noticed me I said, "Just so you know: when we asked our daughter why she said that she clarified that she thought you were very fast at moving the groceries. Not fat."

She paused while looking at me, and then literally laughed out loud. With a big grin, she told me, "Well, that made my day. You're so sweet to come back and tell me!"

I'm not really sure there is a lesson to be learned here. Perhaps something about listening to your kid before you judge them. Perhaps about not letting pride take over...
I dunno. Regardless. We've had a good laugh over it. :) Thought you might as well...

But blogger is having some trouble - so I'd better post this fats!

2009 & 2011 (2nd attempt!)

Same pose.
Same stroller.
Same Mommy.
(although perhaps slightly slimmer-faced in the lower one? :))

Different baby!
(I'm sorry for these somewhat repetitive posts on how similar the girls look - but I'm always surprised by it myself and love to share all that I think about. ;-D)

Sisters (at 3 months)

Two Months

Our smiley little girl... :)

Peyton said, "Take my picture too, Mommy!" :)
26 months and already a poser... lol!

Monkey See...

Scene:
Peyton fiddling with remote for portable DVD player at table after supper.
Mommy and Daddy casually visiting when their daughter's actions come to their notice.

Mommy: What are you doing, Peyton?

Peyton (without looking up and still pressing buttons): I'm teckting Papa.

Parents exchange odd looks.

Mommy to Daddy (quietly): Did she just say what I think she just said?

Daddy: Peyton? What are you doing?

Peyton (raising her eyes slowly and appearing somewhat exasperated at having to repeat herself when it should be more-than obvious she is busy): I am teckting Papa, Daddy.

Pretty sure that wasn't one of my play-pretend scenarios as a 2-year-old...

Matching Jammies

Kinda a self-explanatory title, isn't it? :)

Never having had a sister, this wasn't part of my life growing up - but I can see why people do this to their kids...
It's so stinkin' cute! (lol!)

(Christy V: Not sure if you read the blog - but just in case: thanks for the awesome pjs! :))

A Perfect Day For...

Baking cookies with Daddy!
(and using the new apron made for you by Gramma Lori!)

Besides: what else are you going to do when it's -25???

My Daughters

Life is pretty much absorbed with being a mommy these days.

Tenley's days and nights are righteously mixed-up. :)
Peyton daily bids for attention I'm trying my best to give.
Kurt is working really hard to get the barn fully winterized as winter has officially arrived - so that means some long hours with the girls in my snowbound house.
Thank goodness for satellite tv and a new season of What Not To Wear. (grin)

Life is good. Hectic but good.
Hopefully I can blog soon.
Hopefully. :)

I told Kurt that Tenley brings Autumn to mind more than Peyton did for some reason.
I think it's her eyes.
When closed, they remind me so much of Autumn on that last and only day of holding her. Peyton's eyes were smooth when she had them closed.
Autumn and Tenley both have wrinkles.
I never saw a resemblance between Autumn and Peyton - but Tenley brings glimpses and reminders of both her big sisters.
Genetics are a strange thing at times...

I wonder if God is giving me a glimpse of what my beautiful firstborn baby girl would have looked like had those eyes opened.

These are bittersweet musings... pain mingled with humble thankfulness and joy for our third daughter's safe arrival.

But I do miss Autumn these days. More than in a while. Tenley's life is bringing to mind, on a daily basis, the loss of her oldest sister.

Not expected emotions on my part.
I guess I should learn to stop thinking I know what to expect. (chuckle)
I'm not depressed - lest anyone be worried. But I am reflective. That's not a bad thing.
Honest. :)

Thanks to everyone who continues to keep our family in your thoughts and prayers. :)

One Week Later

- The gas issues seem to have resolved. It hasn't been too bad... just enough that she curls up her legs and cries uncomfortably. The gripe water has relieved her both quickly and effectively. So far, no indication she's fighting a nasty bout of colic. Yay! :)

(There could be a bunch of "so far" comments in this post, I think... lol!)

- Peyton has adjusted well (so far - see?). Today she came in from her visit with Baba and Gydo (went to see the horses, kitties and Lexi (the dog)) and said, "Where Tenley?" the second she walked into the room. After asking to hold her, and doing so for a few minutes, she leaned in, kissed her sister gently on the forehead and whispered, "I miss you, sister." Awwww....

- Sleep. (slowly shaking head...) Well, it isn't like I had high expectations, anyway. (lol!) Besides, this phase really only lasts a little while in the grand scheme of things...
Tenley is starting to schedule herself - just at odd hours. My mantra is to not get used to anything - 'cause when (not if - when) she changes, I'll just be that much more ready to go with the flow. :)

- As of the Public Health Nurse's visit on Wednesday, Tenley had not only regained her birth weight - but gained another half-ounce. Weigh (ha! pun!) to go, kiddo.

- On that note: she DOES like to eat. And eat. And EAT. So the jaundice is fading - not that she was that bad in the first place, but it's almost unnoticeable now. She also poops a lot more than Peyton did. Not too many blown-out diapers yet, though. (I said "yet" - same as "so far"...)

- The birth story is still in the works. Suffice to say that I'm thankful for the doctors and nurses around me - and the mainstream accepted low-intervention approach mindset that exists in health care here.
If we had been on TLC's Baby Story, the docs would have been telling me several days earlier: "You're not progressing. I think we need a c-section."
(I don't know how many times I've yelled at the TV while watching that show, "Good grief! What's the rush???" No wonder one-in-three births result in sections down there when they have no patience! - ahem... rant over. lol!)
As appealing as it would have been to meet Tenley a few days earlier, my health care team was perfectly alright with letting it take as long as needed and with as natural of an approach as possible to get things moving. Which - eventually - it did. Whoa-boy... did it ever. :)

- I hear Peyton waking up, so I should go spend some time with her before Tenley wakes up and needs me again.

Thanks for reading, everyone! :)

Genetics?

People have been telling me the girls look alike.

What do you think?

Getting There and Going Home

Two shots which - when I viewed them on a screen bigger than my Canon - brought tears to my eyes...

Pure joy.

My heart overflows with it.

Thank you, dearest Jesus, for these three precious gifts you have given me...

November 2nd

It's true... the day we've been waiting for for months is almost here.
November 3rd is tomorrow.

I still have to pack that darn hospital bag. I know, I know.
Bad. I really do know that.
(parts of it are 'stacked-neatly' in my room - ready for placing in a bag... so it isn't all bad)

But - I dunno... deep down I just kinda know I won't go into labor early. It isn't even something that runs in my family (maternal side, anyway).
Having been through this twice before, I think there would be a few more signs - and I never got that sense.

That said - if I'm wrong and my water breaks in the next two hours - you have my permission to say, "Silly-procrastinator, Kendall."

But the girl's (plural!) room is done.
And absolutely delightful! :)

Kurt did a super job of building a closet-organizer - from scratch. I told him what I wanted (handed him a scrap of paper and said, "Can you build this closet for me by next week, honey?"), and he did all the measuring, cutting, painting, and placement.

Everything fit perfectly the first time. I'm so proud of him.
Peyton - after seeing the completed project for the first time - said, "Wow! Good job, Daddy!" I think that might have meant even more to him than my praise. :)

All of the kid's clothes now have a place in the closet, and the change-table can be kept solely for diapers, blankets, bedding and receiving blankets. A dream come true...

Peyton is beyond thrilled at her big-girl bed. The first thing she did when she saw it put together this morning (we finished up after she went to bed in our room last night) was grab a book off her shelf and "read" in her bed. She also keeps looking at the two new pink walls and exclaiming, "Wow! Pink!" with a big grin. :)

(Funny story: After the first coat, Kurt stood back and said, "We're promoting our own breast-cancer awareness with this room." lol!)

The only things missing are the closet doors, toy box and the new baby's name-lettering.

The first item is in Saskatoon waiting for pickup at Rona. (We had to custom-order them because the size of the opening isn't 'standard'.)

The second is waiting for pick-up at my parent's house (a 3rd generation toy box, no less!). It will likely go at the foot of Peyton's bed (where that tub is now).

The third is an item custom made by my dear friend Katrina - who has her own family (including a baby daughter!) to contend with. :) But we'll eventually get it hooked up - and the letters will go above the crib just like Peyton's are above her bed.

Both the first and second item(s) have to be primed and painted - but Kurt has this lovely thing called a 'heated garage' which makes painting an easy task even in the dead of winter. :)

Having a room which can hold the belongings of two children in an organized fashion made us decidedly more relaxed - versus last week when we were thinking something along the lines of, "Where the heck are we gonna put TWO kids??"

It also helped that I was successful at washing, sorting and organizing all of Peyton's old clothes. I purged just the right amount of "stuff" to assure I'm not overwhelmed later.

Today holds the intensive house-cleaning that has been severely neglected the past few weeks.

(I need clean bathrooms before I can go give birth. Is that strange?
(I already know your answer, Jen V.T. - lol!
Disclaimer: I will not be washing my floors on my hands-and-knees today!)

Laundry (including sheets, clothes and towels) washed, winter-bedding on, dusting, garbage out, fridge cleaned, and - of course - the bathrooms, vacuuming and washing the floors (with a mop!) are all on the list.

Basically, I don't want to worry about anything but sleeping and nursing when I get home. :)

Anyway... thanks to all who are praying for us. Peace of mind seems to be a harder thing to fight for as we get closer. Even last night as we finished the girl's room, I was dealing with, "What if..." thoughts.

But I am choosing to trust God with hope - which is pretty all-encompassing - be it hope that all things will turn out well - or hope that He has done and will always do what is best for us.

I'll do my best to keep you posted! :)

Happy Birthday Autumn

3 years already...

We purchased 3 balloons, which worked with with it being her 3rd birthday - as well as there being 3 of us. We sang "Happy Birthday" with Peyton filling in the "you" parts with "Autumn".

Peyton released not only her own balloon - but helped with mine as well. She watched them fly away for as long as her little eyes would allow.
When she turned and noticed her mommy and daddy's tears, she came up to us and hugged both our legs.

The story of the puppy...

We bought this little dalmatian puppy for Autumn's grave last year - and took it home a few months ago to get it cleaned up. But after it was washed, Peyton noticed it in a batch of laundry and became quite attached to it. She refers to it as "Autumn's puppy".

We asked her to leave it for her sister on her birthday - but I wasn't going to force the issue. I told her if she left it for a while, we would come back in a few months and take it home again to clean up and care for.
She teared up and said, "No, mommy." and I was prepared to let the whole thing go. She's only two, after all...

But to my amazement, she gave it a big hug, then walked over and placed it on Autumn's grave all by herself... and then started to cry in earnest - that's the above picture.
But she never once asked for it back. All she said was, "Autumn's bushdee."

She clung to her Daddy for a few tearful moments after he picked her up. She rested her head on his shoulder, then sat up, wiped her eyes and said, "Come'mere, Mommy."
When I got close, she reached out and put her little arm around my neck - then held us both close and gave us kisses on our cheeks.

Her sweetness brought more tears - but joyful ones at just the right time. She truly is such sunshine in my life... and having her be both aware of her sister - and to hear her little voice say Autumn's name were both gifts of today.
It was a good day - thanks to those who I know are praying for us...

For Comparison's Sake...

So much more hair...

But similar personalities... (lol!)

2 Years

Happy birthday, Peyton Grace Elaine.
I could not even begin to describe the joy, peace and healing having you in our lives has brought me.
We love you, baby girl! :)

"Mad"

She was already starting to crack up.

Amateur.

Bruised Fingers & God Thoughts

Peyton got her fingers caught in a door for the first time today.
The ironic part is that she was the one closing the door. Slowly, I might add.

She froze in panic - not comprehending the pain. All this while still leaning on the door. I was notified of the situation with wails and tears - and I rushed to the rescue.
"Rescue" only actually meant stopping her forward-pushing action - as well as finger kisses and the wiping of tears. My superior (used tongue-in-cheek) strength and wisdom literally saved her from herself.

It's a little comical, I'll admit. If she would have just said to herself, "Hey. I alone am causing this pain. I should stop." That whole 'cause-and-effect' rationale might have saved her from further injury.

But in an introspective twist, as I wiped away her tears and kissed her fingers, I wondered if we every really do come to that full-circle of understanding in our lives.

For example, I'm realizing how much in my own life I do the exact same thing as her: Create my own problems and then make them worse - when humbling myself and calling for rescue would be so much easier.

By God's grace, I want less panic, and more trust. Less emotion-based decision making and more careful thoughtfulness. Less agony and more resting. Less trying to solve things myself, and more asking Him to direct me.

Ahhh.... the revelations out of a 23-month-old's pinched fingers.

The Tragic Dunking of Zoe Doll

I like to encourage creative play.

It's really neat to see Peyton put pieces of "life" together. She, for example, likes to pretend to "cook" things - complete with microwave sounds.

Not exactly sure what this says for her parent's culinary example, but I digress...

Anyway, this morning, while I was getting ready for the day, she was in my bathroom with me. She had her Zoe doll and said, "Pee-ewww! Poopy!" so I encouraged her from over my shoulder to do what needed to be done for Zoe.

I meant to change the stinky diaper.

I vaguely registered the sound of the toilet lid being lifted and Peyton saying, "Potty, Zoe."
This was followed by a giggled exclamation. "Oh no! Wet toes!"

It felt like one of those slow-motion "Noooooo....oooo....oooo!" scene from a movie - but Zoe was partially dunked before I had a chance to turn around.

Ick.

It was - thankfully - just Zoe's toes that got wet.
As I sponged off the doll as best I could, I explained to Peyton that she was just supposed to pretend to potty Zoe. Which meant keeping the lid down.

With a pert little grin she replied, "Ohhh.... okay, Mommy."

Which causes me to wonder... maybe the child knew she could freak me out?

Hmm.

PS: For those of you who have sent prayers God-ward for us these past couple of days: I continue to remember - not without pain - but without the despair knocking at my door. Thanks times one-hundred million - and even that is not enough.
Much love....