It truly amazes me what spring can do for the soul. It's like everything wakes up inside me. Hope blooms.
It helps that the nausea is almost gone.
Even going to work isn't as hard when the sun shines down as I get in and out of the car - and don't have to take my shoes off when I go into people's houses. :) I'm uber-thankful that I'm not facility bound when this time of year comes around. I have vivid memories of watching at least 2 summers slide by through the windows of a hospital and nursing home.
This is all good, because I'm trying to work more hours over the next few months in order to increase my maternity leave income. After starting back to work (albeit casually) when Peyton was only 6 months old, I have my heart set on taking the
full year off this time.
Kurt and I decided to get the nuchual translucency test done for this baby. It was never offered to us before - but now it's part of a routinely offered screen for Downs Syndrome. I honestly wasn't worried about that - I just wanted a look at the wee-one in all his/her squirmy glory.
The first test BManz III was too small to measure - so I had to reschedule for this past Monday. I am amazed at how much the baby had grown in a week-and-a-half. I actually said to the doctor, "Whoa. If it was a tumor growing that fast -" and she finished, "Yep. You'd be in trouble." :)
Seeing him/her made it a little bit more real. There is still - at times - such a sense of detachment from this pregnancy. I'm just sick. Or working. Or hanging out with Kurt and Peyton... and then I go to the doctor and see this baby jumping up and down off the walls of my uterus and think, "Wow God." and it kinda just stops there.
The strange (and hugely different part) of this pregnancy is that I'm not
longing for it to be over. Unlike before. With Autumn it was our first baby - I couldn't wait to meet her - find out if she was
indeed a "she". To find out who she looked like - try breastfeeding - do the whole sleep-deprivation thing.... everything new and exciting.
With Peyton there was such an urgency and longing to fill my empty arms. To hold my child. To hear her cries. Watch her chest move up and down as she slept. And that moment - still to this day the single best of my life - when she lay on my chest and took her first cries...
I can't even think of it without tears coming. How much I love the Lord for
that moment.
This time, though - I am content to enjoy it. Having reached the second trimester, I'm not as eager to enter my third - knowing that it brings more fatigue, aching and - in my case - swelling. :) I want to savor the weeks with Peyton and Kurt - go to the lake, take walks, feel the baby grow and move and kick my ribs, find out the gender on the ultrasound, paint the room (yes, they'll share), drink a lot of dealcoholized beer (it's summer, after all - wink)... and to practice trusting God.
And yet - after all that - I also feel less "comfortable" in this third pregnancy. With Autumn I was naive. With Peyton, I felt somewhat certain that God would not break me again so quickly after her sister's death. But now... it's kinda hard to describe - other than to say that my heart's desire is to
rest on God's goodness. To
wait. To hope - preferably without fear.
I want to hang out with the whole passel of girls in our church who are expecting ( 3 within
weeks of us!), and not be a
reminder of what
could happen. Honestly, as I've heard each joyful announcement, I've sent a plea heavenward, "Lord. Please don't let any of us be the one left behind..." I've
done that. Yet even as that prayer is uttered, I know He both gives
and takes away... and He sustains in both cases.
I want to watch God create this miraculous life - as He has done twice in my womb before - and simply marvel. He does not need my peace of mind to do that - nor does my anxiety hinder him. Good to remember.
So, only... counting quickly... 25 weeks to go. (small smile)
Thanks for your prayers, everyone.
