Thursday, October 20, 2011

Another October 19th

I still feel badly that Peyton's birthday is shared with the anniversary of Autumn's death. But there really is no getting around it. It wasn't planned - it just is. And the Lord knew what He was doing.

I had a good cry on the night of the 18th. Mourning the little girl who never became part of our family - gone before I knew her. I let myself remember not only her death - but life before she died. Both bring tears.

... and yet - my life is full of contentment. My girls bring me such joy.

Peyton is the walking, talking, jumping, rhyming, running definition of life.
Tenley is mischievous, glowing, affectionate and clever.

I wonder what our family would be like if they really were our second and third child.
I wonder what Autumn would look like now. What she would sound like. So many unknowns. Sometimes, when Peyton is particularly amusing (you know, when your child does something you just shake your head in wonderment at and think, "How did you become like this?") I find myself pausing and thinking about the little life which just vanished from mine. Those moments are still challenging.

I wish we didn't have to plan a graveyard visit and balloon release tomorrow. But I wouldn't trade it. Sharing that experience with Peyton and Tenley is our family's way of marking Autumn's life. She is the reason for so many things.

A journey to the graveyard on October 21st is our life. For better or worse, this is the family we've been given. The history we've lived and the future we have hope for. We are who we are by the grace and purpose of God. That's really good to cling to when my heart threatens to break again.

I miss Autumn. But I have peace.

I love you forever.
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living -
these three girls
my babies will be.


Jen said...

Hard but sweet days.
Praying for peace and beauty tomorrow.

kelly ens said...

thinking of you.

Sarah Robbins said...

I love you, friend.

Happy Birthday to both your precious girls. . .

Laurie said...

I'm so glad you are in God's loving arms. There is no way anything I could say right now could bring you the comfort that knowing Him does. I want to say something that will bring comfort and joy in the midst of sorrow but truly the only thing that accomplishes that goal is the reminder that God loves you.
God Almighty loves YOU.
I love you too.
Thanks for posting.

Sarah MacMillan {Prairie Perch} said...

Thinking of you all. Hugs and Prayers.

Vicki said...

All three of those pictures bring tears to my eyes - each for different reasons.
I'm a few days late but my thoughts are with you and I hope you have continued peace!!

Carla said...

So glad I found your blog!..and that we are part of the same church family now. Looking forward to getting to know your family better! God has a purpose for each one of your girls as well as for the profound grief he has entrusted you with. Your authentic writing and unwavering faith is an inspiration!

Anonymous said...

Dear Kendall, Thank you so much for your blog. Colleen directed me to it and I have spent nearly the last hour reading about Autumn and sobbing. October 20 Kate went for a routine prenatal visit and found out that her little Sadie Rose was gone. Sadie was delivered at 2:32, October 22. She weighed nearly 1.5 pounds and was almost 12 inches long. She had a grumpy little face with a sweet little mouth. Her hands and feet reminded us of a little squirrel. She was absolutely perfect in every way. We are going to scatter her ashes mixed with rose petals tomorrow morning. Kate is incredibly strong and incredibly broken and I would do anything to take this from her. Thank you for your honest words. Jeri M.