The ultrasound (and other) story...

We had our first ultrasound on Monday. I, for one, am at almost a complete loss when looking at the screen. I mean, I know that we're looking at the baby - but it really does look like a little alien. And I mean that in the most loving way. My pressing questions are more along this line: What is baby, and what is me? Which way is up and which is down? White parts? Grey parts? Black sections? They're always moving - and never stay the same! (Anyone who has had an ultrasound knows what I'm talking about.)

"Is that the head?" I ask. "No, that is the belly." Says the technician. Again: "Um, is that an eye?"... "No, that is a kidney." (I think: "I'll stop asking questions.") At least I recognized the spine... but I kept quiet until Kurt asked, "Is that the spine?" and she said, "It sure is!" and then I smiled and nodded as though I had known that before he even asked. (lol!)

Kurt did really well, though. Either that or he faked it impressively. When she would point something out, he would say, "Oh... yeah, I see it!" and I'd swing my head to him as if to say, "Really?" but my beloved was so transfixed with the screen that he didn't even notice my cynicism and jealousy. (lol)

It was fun,though. Kurt and I held hands and were both awed at the life that God is making down there. For anyone that hasn't heard the story, we weren't able to get pregnant as quickly as we would have liked. Over the course of the many months of waiting, I agonized over the questions that anyone who can't have children would think, "Is this it? Can we never have kids? What will we do? How long do we hope?" Throughout it though - and I praise God for this - I never did doubt God's goodness. I guess I could see the risk at equating his character with the things he gave or withheld from me - and my salvation, being the best of gifts - wasn't worth sacrificing the joy of. Oh sure - I cried, and was upset, and angry, and despaired at times... but God always drew me back with reminders of who He is and how He always does what is best.

Although I wanted children (or even just to know that I could get pregnant!), I was pretty sure that it was God who works the miracle. My sweetie was reading Genesis during parts of that time and would come forth with helpful messages such as, "Hey! Pretty much every woman in Genesis was barren!" and after wrestling with that cheerful message it was again reinforced that "God makes babies". :) So we prayed. And prayed. And focused on who Christ is - and how wonderful it is to know that the God of the universe loves us - and prayed some more. What changed over the months were my prayers. Instead of begging God for a child with the feeling that I couldn't be happy unless I had one, my prayers changed to ask for contentment and cheerfulness - to be joyful for my friends who were pregnant, and to trust in a God who promises his timing and methods are best for us. And on February 15th, we were shocked at the results of a positive pregnancy test. :)

So - as we were there, looking at our baby on the screen - we were amazed that God - who put her/him there in the first place - is building and maintaining "little Manz". Since worrying didn't put her/him there in the first place, we can rest and trust that worry won't keep the baby safe. But our God can! John Piper's love of "The God of molecules" rings a strong chord with me as I see our baby - who started as mere cells - growing and moving. There is a strange calm in knowing that this is one area we have absolutely no control of. God calls us to maintain that joy in Him, to know - again - that His timing and methods are best. I'm sure that I'll struggle with worry, or anxiety at some point (I am a hormonal woman working at a hospital!) - but I know - by God's grace - the joy of relaxing in the ONLY one who can control this issue.

Towards the end of the ultrasound, she was able to spend more time looking at "normal" parts of baby - the face, his/her little foot (5 cms long!), and pointed out to us an elbow pointed to the sky, and a little fist up by the face. My personal highlight was seeing the little mouth open and close a couple of times - thinking, "It is a real baby!" And we walked around in a cloud for most of the day. So thanks for sharing our joy with us!

Until later!