Christmas Thoughts (Part I)

It's been a rough couple of weeks.
All of those ugly, negative emotions came boiling to the surface and I often found myself crying out to God to get me through it. All the "could have been's" and "if only's" and "I wish's" are so difficult to work through.
Envy is ugly - bitterness is destructive - fear is paralyzing. I'm fighting them with all my might... because I know Who gave me this to work through. But - oh - it has been so hard!
I miss Autumn so much... the other night I found myself thinking of her little nose while touching mine and wondering what she would look like and sound like and feel like now... all the hopes and dreams of the last year... from the pregnancy test and the ultrasounds to her movements and preparing the nursery.... nothing remains of her except pictures.
The grief isn't lifting... it's changing and maturing.
The finality of her death is becoming real. The family pictures, for me, will always be missing someone. This was our first Christmas without our firstborn... and that has just been so much harder than I even imagined it would be. I am so thankful that the Lord is patient with the griefs and struggles that I daily bring before Him. I know He has - and will continue to - grow me through this as a person.
When I was shopping for Kurt's gift last week I saw one of the ladies from my prenatal classes - of course - with her baby. She looked so tired and irritated... and I thought how sad it was that she will probably never completely know the gift she has in just pushing her tiny baby through a mall full of Christmas shoppers.
There is no superiority in that statement. I'm sure I would have been the same had Autumn lived... overtired and frustrated to pack up a baby in freezing temperatures to go to an overcrowded mall. I would have had no clue that not all babies live, and that there are grieving people around who hungrily watch for a glimpse of babies and then go home and cry for the one they lost. Joni Mitchell had it right: you don't know what you got 'til it's gone... I certainly didn't. I assumed so much.
I was happy for her - but it was also a bit of an emotional trauma to see her and her little one. I half wanted her to remember me so that I could share that I, too, did became a mommy - and the other half wanted her to just keep walking so that I wouldn't have to pass on the news yet again that "No... our baby died". She didn't notice me, and I was thankful to just keep walking and get home to the strong and comforting arms of my husband.
Kurt gave me a card on the 25th that said something along the lines of, "My prayer is that we will look back on the Christmas of 2007 as one of the best Christmas' ever because of where God took us because of the events that preceded it."
Amen, sweetie.
You are the greatest gift God has ever given me and He had used you mightily in my life to get me through this season. I really do - despite everything I am struggling with - believe that the Lord does have good in store for us. I don't know what it will look like, or when it will take place, or even what it will be... but I do trust Him.
Thanks for checking the blog everyone - and for those who are still praying for us. We still need it

PS:Yay Shiela (visitor number 10,000)! :)