From the Home of Maple Leaf...

Well, we made it to Brandon!

We would have left S'toon around 10 am yesterday, but Kurt's boss phoned and said that we should wait because road conditions weren't that great. So that was okay - because we were able to stay a little more relaxed as packing, etc. progressed. We ended up leaving home around 2:30 yesterday and got here by 8:30... so around 6 hours of driving. Not bad, I thought! The last time we came this way was to pick up Oscar waaaay back in February - and although this time it was snowy - that time it was dangerous cold. It seemed longer last time, too.

The roads were really good - except the further we got into Manitoba the bigger the drifts got on the left side of the road... no worries because we were on the Trans-Canada... and wonderful double-lane highway.

They got a LOT more snow here than we did at home! When we got here we went to Safeway to pick up some fruit and stuff for the hotel room (the only time we EVER go to Safeway is when we're on a road-trip... chuckle) and the parking lot had loads of that crunchy, squeaky cold snow - with the super-polished ice underneath from people trying to accelerate.... it made for some interesting driving. Kurt loves his 4x4. ;)

After we got back to the hotel, we decided to go to the restaurant next door to have a late supper. Kurt thought we should go out the "back" way of the hotel... which wouldn't have been a problem if there hadn't been a blizzard - but the plow left a huge pile of snow outside the door so that it would only open about a foot... and then after we got through that (there are advantages to not being pregnant anymore...) we had to leap over a 3 food bank to get to the road.

Yes - leap.

This morning it is, according to the weather office, -25 with a -33 windchill. Ick. For the Americans that is -12 and -18 degrees Fahrenheit, respectively. Now that everyone has an appropriate appreciation for how cold it is - double ick! ;)

The hotel room is pretty cool. They actually have a computer in here. A computer-computer... with a monitor, keyboard, mouse and tower... I was delighted... and am obviously putting them all to good use. :)

The plan is to work on Autumn's album while I'm here. Tomorrow I'll probably go to the show (we have to check out in the morning anyway) but today I'm going to spread out my stuff and get right to it. Kurt has been really wonderful about letting me pick up the supplies I need for the album. I was bracing myself for a cry of financial agony (or at least a wince) when I told him what I spent at Michaels the other day. Instead he just smiled at me, squeezed my hand and said, "I'm glad you can do this for her, honey." What an amazing, generous, wonderful man I've married... and I'm understating. :)

I've been thinking about the album a lot: How to place things... what to journal... which pictures to use and when... In relation to that - I think so often of her. Working on the album, and looking at the pictures is bringing a fresh wave of longing for her... each day has new struggles.

For example: it feels like "everyone else" (first sign of irrational thought is over-generalization... chuckle) is getting to prepare for their baby's first Christmas... pictures, outfits, baby's reaction to lights/decorations... I saw a "Baby's First Christmas" sleeper in Wal Mart and it brought tears to my eyes! Not that I would take that away from them, or expect them to not share it - it just hurts as we are coming to yet another holiday/event that I pictured sharing with Autumn.

The fact is that I would love to be blogging about how my six-week old baby girl is reacting to our dog, car rides, her grandparents... and I've been struggling with even looking forward to the season - let alone celebrating it. Sometimes it feels like the sadness goes right to my toes... it is so deep. The deep deep tears have been so healing the last few days - and I actually feel better after a few soul-wrenching cries... it is amazing that tears can do so much good. :)

Third Day sings a song about grief and suffering. "There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary and love for the broken heart... grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing - He'll meet you wherever you are - cry out to Jesus..."

Grief has been categorized by those who study human character into five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance... all of which make sense and seem to be pretty common among those of the 'human persuasion'.

Depression is a struggle, and denial can be easy. But the anger and bargaining are tempered by the fact that I know whose hands this has come from. Truthfully, for me to be angry is to say to God, "You have done wrongly!" And while that emotion does come, I praise Him for the grace to recognize it and repent. I am the creature, and He is the creator... and I have been given so much. He has sent His own Son to die for me in spite of the fact that I never gave Him a thought! As soon as the seed thoughts formulate, I try to tell myself truth with counter-thoughts...

There is sin in this world, and sin causes death. Even the fact that my sweet baby girl died is a result of living in this world because everyone dies. No one is immune. But here is my hope: the sting of death - ultimate separation from a holy and loving God - is taken away in Christ. Embraced - or unrepentant - anger (for me) is 1) unsatisfying and damaging, 2) insisting that I - not God - know best and 3) a sin - but praise God! - one that He died for.

I have experienced nearly all of those so-called stages through out the last 6 weeks: I am sad - I struggle with accepting the loss on a purely intellectual basis - I get depressed. I would love God to guarantee me happiness for the rest of my life. And I do, occasionally, feel anger... but all these things lead me to cry out to Jesus!

And without fail, He says to my heart through His word: "Come to me, Kendall, when you are weary and heavily burdened - I will give you rest for your soul. I am gentle and humble, and I understand loss and hurt and separation. Someday you will see things fully... and even as you cling to me in pain and confusion now - I promise you will embrace me for joy when the full picture is revealed."

That humbles anger. It lightens depression, it allows for no bargaining - and creates that "soul rest" and acceptance - not because I'll just "get through" but because I know He'll walk through this with me.

So while I tremble because of my circumstances, and the continuing grief, I know I will not be ruled by it. The hands that have broken will bind. He will stand with me until the end. What a Savior! How could I get through this without Him? He gives joy to my heavy heart, and doesn't penalize me for my struggles and doubts... So unbelievable and yet so true!

I pray that He would reveal Himself to you today. He is near to those who are looking for Him. Trust me on that one (chuckle). :)

Thanks for reading - and stay warm!