Two Months

Two months ago today...

I awoke with a smile when Kurt told me how much he was looking forward to meeting our baby and being a daddy.
I had spent a night dreaming of our little one to come.
I thought, "This could be the day my life changes forever."
... and it did.

The thoughtful anticipation gave way to puzzlement when she wasn't moving... and then the cautious concern became initial denial as we couldn't find her heartbeat... and then paralyzing shock became mind-numbing grief as I realized the doctor was serious.

"I'm sorry there's no fetal heartbeat."

How did 6 little words make hope not only vanish - but completely replace it with anguish? I don't use that word lightly either. It was the single worst moment of my entire life. I feel physically ill when I think of it for too long. I hope and pray that I never have to go through something like that ever again.
And yet how can I deny the impact that our little girl's death has had on so many?
God has used her to reveal Himself as more powerful than I ever could have understood had she not died. He has held us up, and based on what I'm hearing from others, is revealing Himself in a new way to so many. It's humbling, to say the least.
God is not a 'concept of spirituality'. Jesus is not an ideal - a 'good man'. The bible isn't just a moral book. These things I always knew intellectually... but now I know with my heart.

He brought me here.

And because of who I know Him to be, I can rest. He is not inexperienced in taking seemingly hopeless situations and making them glorious. Look at the cross if you doubt this assertion. :)
Could I have anticipated that December 19th would see me blogging about this? Two months plus a day ago, my vision of the future consisted of writing about her 8 week smiles and sounds... my sleepless nights and how she and the dog were relating to each other. (chuckle) This subject was absolutely incomprehensible. In some ways, that is still the case.
But, in spite of myself, God has allowed me to love Him more than I ever would have known because of October 19th, 2007.
So today - on the two-month anniversary of Autumn's death I want to publicly acknowledge Him - and offer Him a prayer of thanksgiving and joy because of Who He is.
Gentle in heart and lowly in Spirit... through Jesus I am safe in this whirlwind of grief and anxiety and anger. It won't take me away because He is very, very strong and holding me very, very tightly.
I hope you can trust Him in whatever circumstances you find yourself in today.
God bless, everyone...