Part of me is so hesitant to put this out there - to be transparent with my struggles and fears. But this is part of my continuing journey - and because I want to be real I can't hide the ugly just because it might make me look weak or foolish.
I know I have been given so many good gifts - but losing my baby girl has rocked me to the core... and my sense of certainty about the future is not as rosy as it once was.
I'm really not sure what the tone will "sound" like when on the computer... please know it is not at all disrespectful or angry. I had tears falling down my face as I penned these thoughts - and - if nothing else - I want this to show that trusting Christ is the anchor that does not break... despite the storm raging inside.
He is real - so very real that by the end of this entry, my tears were not from grief or fear - but from a sense of amazement that He - despite the unknowns and the questions and the fears that linger - provided peace beyond understanding.
But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.
Job 23:10
--
Lord,
I am so afraid of what my future may hold.
Will this baby - our second child - live? Be healthy?
The physical has eclipsed the spiritual. I do not even pray for his/her salvation, because I do not know if the baby will even breathe - let alone comprehend.
Our last ultrasound was devastating. Autumn was dead. We had to phone people and tell them our dreams for this little one and our family were not going to come true.
And you did it.
You not only let it happen - but you made her heart stop beating.
You grew and knit her together - perfectly - and then you took her.
Lord - now I must trust you with the life of this one.
Perhaps sick. Or handicapped...
I do not know. I know you do - but I am afraid. Afraid that your goodness is not always going to look like I want it to.
Afraid that your sovereignty and wisdom will give me the strength to bear up under yet another lifelong burden.
I am afraid that - like Job - you will allow for Satan to take me into his cruel hand and destroy the life I desire.
At which point am I guaranteed a flawless future? When is that ever promised? To what extent is there rest in your sovereignty? Will I wrestle with this forever?
If you have created flawed little lungs, kidneys, a heart, a spinal cord or a brain - or if this baby is missing chromosomes - or dies...
Who would I turn to but you?
Where else would I go?
You know you have my loyalty - you have quickened my spirit... but "trust" for me has always seemed to have two obvious outcomes:
1) knowing there will be some good to rejoice in
2) knowing things will eventually "work out"
Autumn died.
And I will live with that until you call me home.
Another dead, or sick, or disabled child... living with that would be so hard.
And Lord? I do not feel like I can ask you for good things. I do not feel certain that your plan lines up with mine.
It feels better to not ask - and be like a lamb who doesn't know slaughter awaits - than to plead for a life that is not to be.
I asked you to keep Autumn safe. This journal documents those very requests in all their fervency.
I asked for you to heal her cysts - and let me love her for the rest of my life.
And you said "no". You took her life before it molded with ours.
What right do I have to ask you for the exceptional gift of this child's life, health and salvation?
"Expect great things from God." How? What "things"? What will they look like?
I know you have plans for me - I do not doubt that.
I know you are good. And gentle. And kind.
I just don't know if those characteristics are destined to be the ones others see when they look at me.
Perhaps my life will always be the enigma. The mystery. The paradox.
"How does she praise the God who smites her?"
"How does she smile when her life is so unfair?"
And so perhaps the day of the ultrasound will be a gift. A healthy son or daughter. A reminder that you do give as well as take away. That I can praise you for answering a prayer I am, even now, afraid to lift before you.
But perhaps, also, you will come alongside me as I weep over more shattered dreams, and more trails and difficulty.
I do not feel punished - or as though I have or can somehow earn or lose your approval and favor.
But I feel like a deer hiding in the long grass as the danger approaches. Cautious. Do I move? If so - which direction?
Resting in you right now means I will let the situation come to me. I can't flee - I can't run. The reality of the future is yet to be written for me to see... but you know.
So I will ask simply for the strength & grace to be able to bear up under whatever you give me.
If "good" - to not set my heart upon it as a source of happiness.
If "bad" - to once again run to you for shelter from the storm.
"I will praise you in this storm -
and I will lift my hands.
For you are who you are -
no matter where I am.
And every tear I've cried, you hold in your hands.
You've never left my side -
and though my heart is torn....
I will praise you in this storm."
and I will lift my hands.
For you are who you are -
no matter where I am.
And every tear I've cried, you hold in your hands.
You've never left my side -
and though my heart is torn....
I will praise you in this storm."
Lord - have your perfect way with me and this child. My future is yours. So is this baby's. For Jesus' sake - and for the great love He has for me - let me kiss the hands that bled for me. The hands that hold me, mold me - and will usher me into your presence with exceeding joy. I know He will do it. I cannot wait to let Him wipe my tears away forever.
Oh Father - without Him I would be lost.
Hold me tightly. Let me feel it.
I love you.
Your will be done.
12 comments:
I'm so grateful for your transperency. I often forget that there is a great chasm between God's knowledge and human knowledge. Humans know only yesterday and today. But God knows the future too. This brings me comfort especially in light of Romans 8:28. God knew how we would all be affected by Autumns death. That's why it happened. It was for your good, mine, and all the other believers who've been touched by your sorrow. (almost 28,000 visitors to this site.)
That prayer you prayed is evidence of some of the "good" God has done in you. "Let me kiss the hands that bled for me." There is DEEP love for your savior in those words. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
I know there is temptation to fear that God will give you more than you can handle. But He has promised in His word that He won't do that. He hasn't yet. When you found out that Autumn was dead He showered you with the grace to endure - and more than that - to see/feel Him holding you through it.
I've rambled enough.
My personal feeling (based on my limited knowledge of God's character) is that the child in your womb is perfectly healthy and happy and awaiting his first meeting with you face to face.
I am praying to that end. I also pray that you will enjoy this child thoroughly. That parenting will be a breeze for you. And that you will see clearly God's desire to bless you and Kurt..not only in the trials that bring you closer to Him but in the joys that remind you that He loves to give good gifts...what's the verse about if a child asks for bread does the parent give it a stone and how much more does God love His children? (pausing to look it up) Mattew 7:7-12 Let's pray without ceasing. Let's be persistent. He will shower you with blessings. You're His child. You can and should ask Him daily for that good gift of a healthy, happy child.
I'm asking too.
I love you, sister.
You have phrased the contradictions perfectly Kendall - know that I will be praying for you as you head to the ultrasound, I can imagine the anxiety that waiting will produce.
Thank you for sharing. I think it's great when people feel like they can open up in public like this and be honest about both the good times and the hard ones.
Certainly we needn't share everything on our blogs. We don't actually need to share anything. But one of things I have appreciated about reading blogs like yours is the honesty and transparency you display... which ultimately leads to your trust in Christ. And that is the best part about reading your blog! I can see that amidst the questions and wondering, there is a foundation of trust in the Lord displayed by both you and Kurt. I praise the Lord for that.
For His Glory,
Rick
your honesty is what will bring you closer to Him. i KNOW He's holding you right now...no matter what the outcome. He WANTED you to write this letter, to face your fears, and your joys. and He'll reward you for it. :) He is FAITHFUL to complete the work He has started in you.
May He cuddle you SOOOOO tight, so that you don't have to feel this hurt, fear & doubt anymore.
(Kamryn used the word "cuddle" the other day when she talked about God taking care of me, and I've CLUNG to that image...not just holding me, but cuddling me...so much more intense, so much more personal)
Love you Kendall.
Hi Kendall,
It's Kathy, again:) I just wanted to share some scripture with you to help you see God's character! Psalm 103:1-13. God is worthy, able, giving and merciful. I know I had a hard time seeing it right after I lost my son! "He satisfies your desires with GOOD things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles!" Thank you so much for being so open and honest... I really appreciate you and can see how much you trust God. I prophecy over this little one life and wholeness!!! I can't wait to hear how the ultrasound goes:)
Love in Christ,
Kathy
I can relate to this completely--even though I am only at the stage of hoping and praying for another child.
After Tabitha died, I kept thinking, did God do this because my faith wasn't strong enough? Eventually I realized that, although her death MUST result in me trusting God more fully, that is not WHY He took her. If I believed that was why He took her, then by logic, I would also have to believe that if my faith had been stronger in the first place, He wouldn't have had to take her. Thus, her death would have been my "fault" for not trusting God enough, and I know that God does not deal with his children that way. But it is so hard to come to the point of acknowledging and embracing God's good and perfect will.
Anyways, I will be praying for peace and strength for you--both for the day of the ultrasound and for the remaining months of your pregnancy.
Hannah
This is one of those times that I feel so frustrated at the English language ... because there just aren't the right words to say to respond to this. It reminds me of the Psalm verse "Deep calls out to deep." My heart cries toward yours, but I cannot adequately express what I feel. Just know that your faith is an example, your love is remarkable, and I am praying for you--and thanking God for you--daily, my very dear friend.
This is beautiful.
Fresh Faith.
Each pregnancy requires it ~ & when we've been broken & given a little one back, seemingly too soon, to The One who gave life, ~ that faith seems that much harder to come by.
He sees you. He hears you & He has compassion.
Kendall, thank you for your comment on my blog. Although I have never met you, it feels like we are walking closely on this path. I thank you today, for your honesty - and for the strength I draw from your continued trust within the storm. I pray for you and I will continue to journey 'beside you' until we make it home.
I really can understand some of your fears about what God will ask of you - I have felt the same, especially when I was making the hardest decision of my life. Please know I am praying, not only that this baby will be healthy but also that you will have the strength for whatever God sends your way.
Kendall, your words echo so much what my own heart cried out as we were pregnant with another baby girl after the loss of our first baby girl at 26 weeks in 2006 (we have two boys). Even now, after 11 months with our healthy little Audrey, I still have those "deer in the long grass" moments. God did indeed rock my world, and is still teaching me the new meaning of faith in His goodness in this tragedies-do-happen-to-me world He brought us to. It's hard, even though He is good, and that's OK. Thank you for blessing me by sharing your thoughts. "We read to know we are not alone." :)
Thank you Kendall for writing this. It encourages me 9 years later. Much love, Debby Erickson
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