The Graveyard

*I actually typed this post back in April - but felt I could actually post it today.

I visited Autumn's grave today for the first time since we had Peyton. It wasn't a planned trip. I had dropped Kurt off at my Aunty's house to help finish her garage, and had Peyton asleep in the back seat. I didn't have to go home the way that took me by the graveyard... but it was kinda like I was pulled.

I actually had to get out of the car and open the gate of the cemetery because the wind had blown it shut... and even after I drove up beside the area she's buried I shut off the car and just sat there staring at her headstone. It was so surreal. So strange to have one baby girl snuggled in her car seat on this blustery day, and another deep within the earth only feet from where I sit.

The hard part is not knowing what to feel.

Should I cry? Is it strange that I'm almost numb? Unsure of how to act... whether I should even get out of the car? My emotions at the graveyard are almost entirely attached to the day we buried her.

It was so horribly, brutally cold. The sky was bright blue, and it felt like snow was coming.

The wind was howling so strongly I could barely hear Murray read from scripture or my dad and Kurt pray. My body ached, the tears felt like they were freezing as they ran down my face. I remember looking at her casket wondering how it was that the child that had moved in me only a week before was about to be buried.

I remember my dad placing his arm around me and squeezing tight as Kurt helped his brother and both of mine lower her into the grave. I remember watching our parents toss pink roses into the grave. I remember wrapping my arms around myself - around my stomach - and wishing with all my might that it was all just a horrible dream as I stood - alone - in front of the hole with tears running down my face and a lump in my chest.
I remember the man who had been hired by the town to dig the grave and fill it in telling me how sorry he was for our loss, and then shake his head muttering something about the hole being "so small". He was kind of a rough-looking character... but there was genuine sadness and compassion written all over his face. My mom thanked him, and then she guided me over to where Kurt waited for me. I remember first taking his hand, and then needing to grip his arm tightly as we walked back to our truck where Oscar waited - expectantly - in the drivers seat. In hindsight, it was a God-given moment of humor.

Life since then has seemed dazzlingly fast - other days it has been achingly slow. I can appreciate now - on this side of having a living child - what I missed in those months that followed her death. Sometimes at night I actually just sit beside Peyton as she sleeps and watch in amazement as her chest rises and falls with deep, even breaths. She is perfect - but she is not my firstborn.

So I did eventually get out of the car and kneel beside Autumn's grave. I remembered that day a year-and-a-half ago where the world felt as though it was collapsing around me. The only words I said were, "I miss you, sweetie." And then I just sat there for a while.

When I did finally get back into the car I spent some time talking to the Lord. Thanking Him for holding me though the darkest days my life has yet to see... praising Him for continuing to be my anchor in the continuing grief that can well up with surprising strength at times. But mostly, I thanked him for His compassion in giving me another child to love.

It is true that because of losing Autumn I have become a changed woman. Although I am no where near where I want to be, He has grown me. Gentled me. Humbled me. Given me compassion that I was incapable of feeling before for other hurting people. As a woman who is striving to be more like Jesus I understand that these things are true and lasting and give glory to the One who saved me. I miss my baby every single day. But the knowledge of Jesus as a friend who heals a broken heart... how could I even place a value on that? Strange as it seems, I am more secure in His love than I ever was before.

I know that one day, Peyton is going to ask about a baby in a photograph that she will think is her - and I will have to explain that she had a sibling who died. My heart's deepest prayer is that one day, I will get to share with my precious baby of grace just how much the Lord used her big sister to make me the mommy I am today. I pray that she would grow to love Him, too.

Thanks for reading...