Friday, January 29, 2010

Ski Pants

Just over two years ago Kurt and I went up to Elk Ridge with Kiley, Jessica and our friends Graham and Chelsea for a couples retreat through their church.

It was a good weekend - but very emotional. We talked a lot about our recent loss and the acuteness of Autumn's death was severe having only buried her 2 months before.

There are only so many things to do in northern Saskatchewan in January: sledding, skating, and hot-tubing, being pretty much the limit. (I do not cross-country ski.) So we packed up the appropriate clothes for the outing when we left for the weekend.

The day we were going to go sledding, I pulled out my ski pants and tried to get them on without much thought. To my dismay, they didn't even go past my thighs.

It wasn't so much the fact that they didn't fit - as much as why they didn't fit. The weight gain, the discomfort, the agony of missing Autumn, and the seeming uselessness of it was more than I could handle. I locked myself in the bathroom and bawled my eyes out. I hated it - my situation, my body which had betrayed me, my weight... Everything was wrong. And there was no escape.

I walked that valley. The memory makes me kinda shiver... I hope I never feel such despair ever again. For this, I tell the Lord my fears, and leave it with Him. That's enough for me today.

But two years have passed, and my husband decided he wanted to go skiing for his 30th birthday (only a week later). He arranged for his parents to come babysit, and he and I are going to go for the day to a local ski hill and just be together. Like a couple. Imagine that! ;)

But skiing requires ski pants. And I haven't tried those suckers on since that day over 2 years ago. I know I've lost a lot of weight - but that feeling of shock and dismay was still pretty clear in my memory - not an easy thing to shake when it's so tied to the emotions of the time period.

So I took a deep breath and pulled them on. They not only fit, but they were lose enough to squat in comfortably. Yay! :)

It's funny how little things can bring it all back, though. I have a feeling the rest of my life will be filled with little nuances like that. A little PTSD of my own, I suppose...

I told someone the other day that the grief has faded from a hurricane - violent and all consuming - to a sun shower. It's still there persistently - but it's gentle - and the sun shines through. Some days the effects of the rain are more obvious - but my sense of joy has become more consistent.

I have peace.
Wow God.
Wow.

That's even better than the ski pants fitting again.

7 comments:

R.A. said...

I liked this post. I took my blog down for January and am getting rid of all the old posts; this has had me contemplating a lot about the last two years...loss comes in many forms. This month has been one of acknowledging loss and seeing the goodness of the Lord not just in the easy and comfortable, but also in the difficult and sad. I've been thinking this past week that the best thing any of us can begin our day with is "The Lord gives...and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Somehow this post resonated with all of that.

Thank you for turning to Jesus in the midst of grief. Your example has shamed me many times, and encouraged me always to turn back and back and back to him. Thank you for sharing your journey with us on blogspot.

Carol said...

Great post, Kendall. Have a fun time skiing with your hubby!

Unknown said...

Oh how He loves us!! Yay God!! I had a goal for weight loss after all of my babies..a pair of leather pants I bought just after getting married. They still fit!
Love you!!

ByHISgoodGrace said...

I loved reading this. This is exactly how I could describe my grief as the intensity lessened. But, you can't tell someone and have them really understand (I don't think.) It's something God allows you to be experience and there's great revelation in that. When you're in the midst of that intense grief, you never realize the sun is going to come out and stay out for long periods of time. Hope you and Kurt have/had a wonderful time together! xoxo

Kim said...

Reading this, my heart broke with your sadness and leapt with your joy. Your honesty, and ability to get it out into words, is so admirable.
Hope you had fun being a couple at the "mountain"!

Anonymous said...

Kendall.
You truly have a gift for writing! Your words brought me to tears as I realize how far God has brought me through so much! I am in awe of Him! You are truly amazing!
Love,
Kathy

womens ski pants said...

Thanks for your great post, Have a fun time skiing with your hubby!