Pretty Flowers...

After posting last night, I actually had a "bad" night... lots of tears... lots of hugging Autumn's blanket... lots of praying. :) I wanted to call my mother in the worst way - but felt that would be a tad unfair to phone bawling at 10 pm. (chuckle) I was told that my arms would ache to hold our baby - and last night it was almost physical. I miss her. Knowing those little pointy heels were going to kick me in the ribs when I least expected... I loved that. :) She was always so close - and now that she is gone - at times I'm not sure what to do. I find myself putting my hand on her "sweet spot" without even thinking - looking for her. I realize what a blessing it was that I felt her from 17 weeks - even without prior experience - she was easy to notice. :) A gift from the Lord? Undoubtedly. :) He knew that was all I would have - and gave me (a pregnancy rookie) at least an extra 3 weeks of feeling her.
I also spent some time reading portions of Stepping Heavenward last night. I've read it at least 3 times since I was 16 - and each time it means more to me because I'm at a different part of life both developmentally (schooling, marriage, pregnancy) and spritually. My mom and I were talking on the weekend and remembered that she loses a child in that book. So I was able to find and read another's thoughts on the subject. In one part, she says that with a child "gone" she finds that her spirit is bound by an invisible thread of consciousness to the world to come - and in this way she can never be completely absorbed in the sweetness of this world again. I read it and sighed. That is exactly how I feel! I love my husband, and my family, and my church, and so many friends... I hope (and pray!) we'll have more children... but there is such an acute sense of "this is not all there is". I find myself looking forward to Jesus' return - versus the way I used to think - that it was real but not real for me. :)
Another part says: "My comfort is in my perfect confidence in the goodness and love of my Father, my certainty that He had a reason in thus afflicting me that I would admire and adore if I knew what it was." I had that underlined years ago - but now it jumps out at me with such a burst of understanding... I know what she was saying - and I believe it with all my heart.
So - after that wrestling match with my Lord - and with a tender hip (wink!) I woke up this morning with a fair amount of energy. Many of the flowers - the beautiful flowers! - were dying and needed to be either rearranged or taken to meet their fateful end. Such a shame - and I got such pleasure out of all of them! But a necessary task for today. I was able to salvage parts of various bundles - and create some new ones like the one below that is in our bedroom now.Some other survivors of the 'cull'. :) The orchids are from Baba & Gydo and Auntie Kathy... Kurt is feeling a small-amount of pressure to make sure they live... (grin!)
I also got some organizing done - like the shelf in Autumn's room... I can't really bring myself to think of dismantling anything yet. So, for now, I'll put up pictures, and leave the rocking chair - and give myself time to go in there and cry. Or smile... whichever is needed. :) Still love that picture of her hand in mine... when we got them developed, the guy at Wal-Mart (not knowing she was not alive) made all sorts of comments on how cute she was - and said that this picture - in particular - was amazing and that we should laminate it or something. It was a blatant up-sell of Wal-Mart products and services (Hey - I worked retail for a while - grin!) But we just smiled like proud parents and said, "Yes, she is beautiful, isn't she?" :)
I also dusted, helped Kurt fold laundry, put together some stuff for Autumn's memory box (the outfit we had her in at the hospital, and some other gifts/mementos), put up some pictures, made fruit salad (can't waste good fruit!), and baked a couple of loaves of banana bread. All this while Kurt kept calling from his office (it was an organizing day for him, too), "Kendall - don't overdo it!"(Yes - that is my blog on the computer screen... Kurt is a fan... or just likes to stay updated on what I say about him.. wink-wink!)
Oscar also had a productive day.
Yes, I am being factitious. ;)
Thanks for your continued prayers, everyone... we feel every one of them.
Love,
the Manzville gang

A Day of Grace

Today was a good day. It is amazing how quickly I can slip in and out of tears - laughing one minutes and crying the next. I asked Kurt if I was freaking him out a little bit, and he simply hugged me and replied, "No, Kendall."

What a rock I've married. :)

I had another massage today - and she said that my neck "felt better". I guess that strained muscles give off heat. (?) So I was less "hot" than last week. Interesting development. Also nice to be able to look to the right and the left. Honestly, some of the major tension departed after Autumn's funeral on Friday. Plus, I know people are praying for me...

When I left the office there was the cutest little girl, there... only 6 months old - all smiles and giggles... and you know what? It only made me a little bit sad. For this I praise God - I do not want to become a bitter woman who begrudges others their happiness.

Kurt also vacuumed today. Only because he didn't want me to do it... chuckle. All these beautiful flowers have "flower pieces" falling off of them - and they are all over the floor. I've held myself back from dusting... not really a difficult task since I hate dusting. :) But with the new pictures we have around, I'd kinda like to put them on dust-free surfaces. Tomorrow's task, I guess.

I also wanted to take the time to thank some people I've been unable to acknowledge yet: for all those who have commented on the blog - I read and love all your comments. God uses you on an almost daily basis to remind me of His goodness - and how blessed I am. Family, friends, strangers - thank you for reaching out to us.

Laurie: I understand exactly what you meant about wanting a trial to grow closer to the Lord. How many times in the past did I think the exactly same thing - and then pray, "But I don't really want trials, Lord..." :) Although I would not have picked this (and still struggle with being overcome with grief and despair) I do realize - more than ever - that God has got me firmly in His grasp. I love Him more than I ever have... and that brings more joy than I would have thought possible in these circumstances.

Andrea Z! The flowers you left for us are beautiful... I realize I don't even have a current email address or phone number for you - so drop me a line to my old PAWS account to let me know how to get in touch with you.
(Another picture: don't we look like proud parents? Such a little nose... but I can see where Kurt thinks she gets it from me.)
I'm going to go eat some supper now - funny how my appetite is non-existent... but thanks to our friends, and their generous food deliveries, my husband is staying fed. :)

God bless!
K&K

One Week Later...

Friday was so much better than it could have been. Although I woke up with one of the most severe headaches I've had yet, when I cried out to my God he gave me the strength to get through the day. I was able to shower, write what I wanted to say for Autumn, and still look half-presentable for the task before us. The clothes that I had picked out fit (amazing because I am between sizes in a way I've never experienced before...), and I was able to wear closed-toe shoes for the first time in months. And I was glad, because it was really cold out!

To walk into that church and see all the people who wanted to mourn with us - oh - my heart was so grateful to God! Friends, coworkers, family... I wish I could have hugged all of you - and although I said thanks from the front, and talked briefly to some of you at the lunch, it doesn't seem adequate. People who flew just to be with us as we said goodbye to Autumn... I can't thank you enough! Truly - there are no words to express what your tears and hugs mean to us.

The songs we sang were gifts: I wanted to stand and shout, "I trust you, Lord!" and the songs did that for me. My brother, Kiley, sang a song for Autumn and that touched my heart deeply. I had wanted to sing for her - but wasn't sure I would be able to get through... so God moved my brother to do that for me. I am so grateful.

I was so blessed to hear Murray speak. He said exactly what we wanted to have said. This world is fallen - broken and futile. God is so merciful and kind - and while he does not guarantee our security in earthly terms... He has secured a future for those who will believe in His Son. This is our hope! This is the God I cling to even as my heart is broken and my tears fall... He is not changed by His actions - but these events have driven me to hold onto him with a desperation I never could have imagined before.

And in so doing - I am more convinced of His goodness than I ever could have been had everything proceeded according to my wishes. His hands have broken me... but I know that someday I will kiss them in thankfulness. When His word says that the sufferings of this world are not worthy to be compared with the glories to come... I think, "Wow - that must be some kind of glory!" because He doesn't lie or even exaggerate. He is not stringing me along to laugh at me when I fall on my face in some sort of cruel practical joke. He does not tell me to act as though my daughter's death does not affect me in a false sense of martyrdom... but he does ask me to show the world how beautiful Christ is as I rejoice in Him while in the depths of sorrow. So that is all I am doing: crying and burying my face on Jesus' gentle shoulder. He knows I am weak, weary and heavy laden - but my soul is resting in the knowledge that he does all things well. I cannot get myself through this - but he is powerful and will carry me through the pain.

After the lunch, we drove out to Leask to bury our daughter. On the way there, Kurt and I listened to a CD we had made to play overhead when people were entering the church before the funeral. They are songs we've always liked - and yet God, by these events - has caused us to love the words even more. The CD label is Autumn's Songs... and her uncle Cody burned it for us. Avalon sings a song called "You Were There" and I find that my trust in God is strengthened each time I hear it. Faith doesn't 'make sense'... and yet the power of trusting God is not so much the knowing how things will end - as knowing the strength and wisdom and kindness of the One who orchestrates and brings about events.

Being at the graveyard was so hard. What a petite little casket for such a tiny little girl... I was not expecting to be so broken by seeing it and knowing she was "in there". My heart hurt so much - worse than knowing we were leaving her at the hospital was placing her in the ground. Kurt and I chose to have her buried in a little sleeper that says Mommy's Girl and a blanket that her Gramma Manz made for her. Although I know she is not "there"... it makes me feel better, as her Mommy, to think of her little body swaddled in a warm and cozy blanket made with love.
Kurt got to help lower her casket into the ground with his brother and my two brothers. It was good for him to be able to help place her there... and a final act he could do to care for his little girl with his brothers beside him. For this, I am also grateful. I went up to the hole later and looked at the resting place of my baby, and as tears ran down my face I knew - knew - that God was giving me strength to walk away and not simply fall to the ground and pound it in frustration and helplessness.

We've been "hiding out" at mom and dad's since Friday. Our house - although never having had Autumn there - is still full of memories and I've needed some down time before we face all that. Today I woke with tears - knowing it has been a week since I've held my baby and that our life without her is just starting... but as we sat in mom and dad's living room and talked about the week - and the blessings we've received - I was able to move beyond the raw sorrow and self-pity. Praise God. :)

Please keep praying for us. My physical health is not something I am used to being concerned about - but this back and neck tension is overwhelming. My husband is resting well at night - but is understandably weary... and I feel badly leaning on him for too long. That said, I have to be aware that it is his desire to take care of me and it isn't something I should take away from him. Such a fine balance to maintain. :) I am still overcome with tears as I think about what she would be looking like after a week, or how chubby she would have been with all this nice milk I'm producing... (chuckle) or how good it would feel to hold her - but what a consolation that God knows loss and pain, too...

He is using you in ways you cannot imagine to minister to our hearts. We thank Him for you all.
In Christ,
Kurt & Kendall

A Smile...

For a girl with a chronic non-green thumb you'd never be able to tell looking at our house.
It's a greenhouse in here! (chuckle)
Never completely understood the power of flowers and cards before - but thank you, again - from the bottom of my heart for your love and concern. They're all so beautiful!
I hope Oscar won't find them delicious. ;)
A special note to Wendy: I received your message today and it was so wonderful to hear your voice. Thank you for your prayers and tears... Lord willing, we can see you someday to give you the hugs that your words made us want to return. Thanks to you and Ken for making that effort to reach out to us. :)
We're going to pick up her pictures for the funeral and get frames - if you read this you can pray that I don't break down in Wal-Mart. :) Again.
Seriously... it happened yesterday. Sometimes I cry over falling prices... chuckle.
Yes - she laughs...
Isn't God so good? :)
Love you all,
kendall

Coping...

In so many ways this last week has been like a dream.
(Nana - my mom.)
There have been such dark, dark places where I've felt nothing but my heart hurting and my body aching with the knowledge that my little one is gone. There is a roaring in my ears, and tension in my back and neck... I would not be good at chronic pain. (chuckle)
(Grampa - Kurt's dad.)
BUT - and this is a big one - God has been so merciful in the middle. :) Monday was so surreal. I was awakened by my husband's sobs - and our big dopey dog trying to jump on the bed (a strict no-no!) to comfort him. Giggles in the midst of trying to wipe our noses and reprimand Oscar... but a huge relief to have something pull us away from that edge of despair. :) Speaking of whom: Oscar hardly knows what to do these days. He knows we are sad, but he doesn't know what is missing... I've had his bone dropped on my lap so many times as he tries to play with me and make me feel "happy". I guess he thinks the bone does it for him... giggle. :) He also cries with us: whimpers and wags his tail and tries to lick away the tears. Annoying - but we've had so many sobs interrupted with laughter by him... what a blessing. :)
(Gramma - Kurt's mom.)
We were covered with love by so many: friends bringing food, flowers, hugs - and the tears which helped spread out our grief.
And the emails and blog replies - my goodness people! :)
We're so wonderfully overwhelmed! You will never know - because I know I never did on the "comforter" side - what strength God gives us through you. I want so badly to reach out to everyone who has reached out to us and acknowledge each personally with a smile - to comfort you with the knowledge that you are helping us... but Kurt limits the amount of time he wants me to spend on that and says, "Good thing you started that blog, then." (lol)
Every time we've told the story of our baby there is a sense of "Yes - it really did happen. She's real." Deep down - that has been my fear. That I will forget her. That I would end up just "moving on" and progressing as though nothing has happened. My stomach has shrunk, and my ankles are skinny - and my toes look like they've grown (read all my previous posts to hear of my ankle/toe woes) ... and on Monday there was no evidence of my milk coming in. And, in the moments after everyone was gone on Monday I hugged her afghan and wept - because I had talked about her all day - but hadn't had the chance to think about her. I want to cry. I want to feel my body say, "Where is that baby you've been getting ready for?"
But people are saying to me, "Later - you'll feel her loss. Your arms will ache to hold her." They are trying to caution me about what lies ahead... and instead it worrying me, I praise God! I'm filling with milk - and it hurts - (dang-it! chuckle) - but I'm so happy because our baby - our Autumn - is on my mind every time I move. Funny - these small smiles perk me up so deeply.
There are so many mercies in the midst of this grief.
The time we got to spend holding her - it grows more precious the further away from Sunday we move. The pictures we took - not even realizing in the middle of all that how vaulable they would be because that is all we have left of her.
The knowledge that God knows where she is - and I'm not supposed to worry about that.
God's character is not changed by this act... he is the same God who gave us 9 precious months of joy... and they were precious! :)
The pain of labor: I never got the chance to cry about the "should have beens"... Autumn came so fast and so hard that there was no mourning my so-called milestones. :)
The empathy of the staff... including my coworkers who grieved with us.
Kurt and I being able to support one another: when I am low he holds me, and when he weeps, I can be amazed at this strong, gentle, wonderful man God has given me... and he seems to get a blessing out of my feeble attempts to comfort him. :)
The ability to touch my toes again... actually - the ability to see my toes again. :) Leading to...
My mother and Gramma coming in to take me out for a pedicure today... :)
Crying with Baba & Gydo and Auntie Kathy... finally going in the nursery to look at the rocking chair and the crib and bassinet... and being "okay" with her never using them.
Auntie Bev's wonderful soup! Wow - talk about comfort food! :)
Looking at Autumn's pictures with her grandparents... other than us, no one else feels her loss so acutely. I'm so blessed they got time with her!
(Papa - my daddy.)
Do I understand why God has done this? Not at all. But I do know the end of of all things will be for His glory - and He is gracious enough to make sure that includes my good. I know that end will not change even though the path our lives have taken is so different from what we had planned. God always told us the end of the story: he just never reveals what paths we'll take to get there - probably good for someone as weak as me. :)
So my prayer is to keep the faith - not a "crutch", not a fairy-tale that I've invented to help me cope - but the faith that not one part of his original plan has changed. To act according to what I know... which means not despairing of life. Because really: where else would I go? If this life were all there were for me - then what is worth living for? But knowing - knowing - there is a purpose... God is not arbitrary. Nor random and cruel... He gave His son for me so that this life on earth would have purpose... Oh - I hope you can all understand this! I am truly filled with peace. Like Autumn - had she lived - would have slept in our arms without fear of us dropping her... I am convinced that I am held - and tighter and more securely than I would have ever held my daughter. :)
People tell us we are such a light. Oh dear friends: I would not have chosen to shine this way! But our faithful God... who we know loves us... has taken us by the hand and led us to the top of the hill to shine. And just as my heart cries, "Jesus - I can't do this! I miss my baby so much!" He holds me in his arms and reminds me that He is the one who is shining - I have only to cling to Him. :) If you see strength, or hope, or joy in us at this time - it is because He is real.
Thanks again for all your love -
Kurt & Kendall

Autumn Elizabeth Lee Manz's Memorial Service

First of all, I would like to thank our Father and our Lord Jesus Christ for you all. We have been absolutly overwhelmed by the generosity, the compassion, and the love He has shown (and continues to show us!) through you all. Whether through emails, blog replies, food drop-offs, flowers, phone calls, we have been so blessed by people who just want to share our grief... and the more we know others want to take upon them - the lighter the load gets. He has used everyone.

His Word is true. His mercy is new every morning. And His grace is sufficient. And in our weakness - total weakness - He is shown strong. If you see any "strength" in us, it is Him.

As well, I would like to thank the Lord for the love of my life, my wife, the mother of my daughter, my help-mate. She is such a precious gift and a comfort to me. And as I write this, I would ask that you could pray for her in regards to the extreme tension, ringing in her ears, and the various other lingering effects of pregnancy and labor that she if feeling this morning.

Autumn's Memorial Service will be held ...

Date: Friday, October 26, 2007
Place: Fellowship Baptist Church, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan (click the link and follow the website directions to find out how you get there from where you are)
Time: 11:00 am

There will be a luncheon to follow from about 12-noon to 2pm. Our plan is then to travel to Leask - where Autumn's body is waiting - to bury our daughter. We don't actually want to say "family only"... so if anyone is desiring to make the hour drive we would be honored. However, there will not be any place to gather after the graveside service in Leask - so we don't want people to feel "pressured" to make the drive all the way there and then back.

Love,
Kendall & Kurt

Our Baby

First, we have to say a huge thank you to all who have dropped off cards, letters, flowers, sent emails and replied to our blog post or asked for prayer for us on your blogs. We are humbled at the grace and love others have shown to us over the last days... we're praising God for all of you.
First of all our daughter's vital statistics:

Autumn Elizabeth Lee Manz entered the world at 6:31 am, October 21st, 2007. She is named in honor of both her Great Gramma White and her Nana... she was to have been the 4th generation on my side of the family.
Length: 20 inches
Weight: 7 pounds, 5 ounces
Her hair is dark brown with a hint of auburn, although her brows and lashes are a fine blond color. Her eyes - when opened gently - are a soft, rich blue. They reminded me of a kitten's - never having been exposed to the light, they were a tad fuzzy - but so huge! She has her mommy's nose and cheeks, and her daddy's lips and chin. The perfect mix of both of us. According to her daddy, she also has mommy's "stubborn forehead"... whatever that means! :)

There is no other way to say it: this time has been so hard for us. We are parents of a beautiful little daughter... and it was such a gift to hold her and touch her. She is absolutely perfect: with no physical defects other than skin that was starting to dry and a head that was shaped by the path "out"... and as we held her and looked at her the suspicion was that she would suddenly take a big breath... but that was not to be. And the gift of yesterday was that we were able to hear babies crying next door as we held our dead daughter and feel joy for their families instead of envy or bitterness.
God allowed me to suffer - quite so! - for a short time as my labor progressed extremely rapid... from 3 to 10 centimeters in one hour! But for the last hour I was able to have a perfect epidural and be not only aware of all that was going on - but remembering and experiencing it without the mind-numbing pain that characterized the first 4 hours. The only hard part of the epidural: having the sensation that I needed to push as the nurse, anesthesiologist and Kurt all said, "Don't move!" :) There was minimal tearing and therefore the need for minimal repairs, and I was able to hold her immediately after her daddy had his first go... and then came my tears - along with more of Kurt's, the nurse's, and our doctor's. As she (our nurse) left for shift change, I grabbed her hand and said, "Thank you for crying with us" which made her choke up again... but to have other's grieve with us was such a neat experience. It added value to our loss and showed preciousness of Autumn - that even strangers would mourn the loss of her tiny little life.

She was (amazingly) still very pink, and so soft and warm to our touch. I thought that pushing out our child who would never cry out-loud would be agony: pain both physically and emotionally... and yet God gave us such grace even in that! It was so peaceful, so gentle - and when our doctor told us "You have a beautiful little... (big pause) girl." We looked at each other with smiles: at last we knew her name! :)

Oh Autumn: we waited so long for you! My precious little girl! Your little heels kicking my ribs gave me such delight - and the knowledge that God was there when you left us allowed me to still delight in their perfection rather than agonize over the futility of perfect little feet that will not serve their purpose. The truth is that you will never toddle towards me with clumsy-little steps. Your eyes will never light up as you recognize me or your daddy. Your tiny fingers will not learn to tie your own shoes. You will never learn to write your beautiful name - which suits you so - in childish letters, or draw me pictures that cover my fridge.. :) You will never say "mommy" or "daddy"... but today... holding you and understanding that you were and are real made that okay. Because you are such a gift!
I know we'll fight to maintain joy: and sometimes (probably even often!) we will stumble... but you will also be our baby for all time. The child we will never have to worry about. If God give us other children, we will be able to tell them, "Your big-sister Autumn made mommy and daddy able to love God so much more - and give you more love than would have been possible had she not existed."
Some members of our family were able to come and spend the morning with us: able to cuddle and hold Autumn and that gave Kurt and I the feeling of not being alone. A reason to reach out to others: to consider other's grief as well as our own. So thanks, family! God used you to keep us happy today - and to save us from a spiral into indescribable pain with no hope. :) Kurt, in particular, who had waited all these months to hold her, got to spend hours just sitting and rocking his little girl until he had his fill. My only grief is that his "daddy time" was over with Autumn almost before it began... and that is something I put before my Lord with a quiet sob.

The nursing staff were so compassionate! God chose to give us two nurses who also had stillborn babies in the past. Their empathy was so real and tangible that there was no doubt they would do anything to help us through this. They took her measurements, clipped a lock of hair for us - took her foot and hand-prints and encouraged us to spend as much time as we wanted to Autumn. Not only that, but He also allowed the baby-boom to slow for one day: and we were able to spend unlimited time with our family first, and then by ourselves with Autumn in the room she was born in - nearly 12 hours from start to finish. What a kind God! :)

So for all who have been praying for Kurt and I over the last few days, and continue to do so: we cannot express our thankfulness with mere words! By your prayers, we have been given the strength by God to do what was unthinkable only 3 days ago: come home without our precious baby... and still smile - for real. :)
His grace alone helps us to stand... and we want to seek after more of it as the shock and uniqueness of these days wears off and we must face a new future without Autumn as we had dreamed.
Kurt is exhausted - he did an amazing job of giving me strength while still letting me and others see his grief. I love him more than I ever have and am filled with wonderment as I have seen him truly become a man who signifies strength and graciousness. He has borne more than many do in a lifetime in these past days - and Christ shone through him as I heard him cry out to God with pain and then smile for this opportunity to suffer for His sake. :)
I am physically drained and sore beyond anything I have ever experienced (even with the epidural). We both need to rest - and yet do not want to become inward focused and depressed. That risk is very real. Even tonight, after everyone had left, we wandered around the house thinking, "Now what?" So please continue to pray for us until this week is done in particular. We want Autumn's funeral to be a place of joy and God's glory and we know that will still require more of us - which will require more of God's strength. Fortunately, the Giver can give in a limitless way and never run out. :)
Thanks everyone.
Much love -
Kurt & Kendall