After posting last night, I actually had a "bad" night... lots of tears... lots of hugging Autumn's blanket... lots of praying. :) I wanted to call my mother in the worst way - but felt that would be a tad unfair to phone bawling at 10 pm. (chuckle) I was told that my arms would ache to hold our baby - and last night it was almost physical. I miss her. Knowing those little pointy heels were going to kick me in the ribs when I least expected... I loved that. :) She was always so close - and now that she is gone - at times I'm not sure what to do. I find myself putting my hand on her "sweet spot" without even thinking - looking for her. I realize what a blessing it was that I felt her from 17 weeks - even without prior experience - she was easy to notice. :) A gift from the Lord? Undoubtedly. :) He knew that was all I would have - and gave me (a pregnancy rookie) at least an extra 3 weeks of feeling her.I also spent some time reading portions of Stepping Heavenward last night. I've read it at least 3 times since I was 16 - and each time it means more to me because I'm at a different part of life both developmentally (schooling, marriage, pregnancy) and spritually. My mom and I were talking on the weekend and remembered that she loses a child in that book. So I was able to find and read another's thoughts on the subject. In one part, she says that with a child "gone" she finds that her spirit is bound by an invisible thread of consciousness to the world to come - and in this way she can never be completely absorbed in the sweetness of this world again. I read it and sighed. That is exactly how I feel! I love my husband, and my family, and my church, and so many friends... I hope (and pray!) we'll have more children... but there is such an acute sense of "this is not all there is". I find myself looking forward to Jesus' return - versus the way I used to think - that it was real but not real for me. :)
Another part says: "My comfort is in my perfect confidence in the goodness and love of my Father, my certainty that He had a reason in thus afflicting me that I would admire and adore if I knew what it was." I had that underlined years ago - but now it jumps out at me with such a burst of understanding... I know what she was saying - and I believe it with all my heart.
So - after that wrestling match with my Lord - and with a tender hip (wink!) I woke up this morning with a fair amount of energy. Many of the flowers - the beautiful flowers! - were dying and needed to be either rearranged or taken to meet their fateful end. Such a shame - and I got such pleasure out of all of them! But a necessary task for today. I was able to salvage parts of various bundles - and create some new ones like the one below that is in our bedroom now.
Some other survivors of the 'cull'. :) The orchids are from Baba & Gydo and Auntie Kathy... Kurt is feeling a small-amount of pressure to make sure they live... (grin!)I also got some organizing done - like the shelf in Autumn's room... I can't really bring myself to think of dismantling anything yet. So, for now, I'll put up pictures, and leave the rocking chair - and give myself time to go in there and cry. Or smile... whichever is needed. :)
Still love that picture of her hand in mine... when we got them developed, the guy at Wal-Mart (not knowing she was not alive) made all sorts of comments on how cute she was - and said that this picture - in particular - was amazing and that we should laminate it or something. It was a blatant up-sell of Wal-Mart products and services (Hey - I worked retail for a while - grin!) But we just smiled like proud parents and said, "Yes, she is beautiful, isn't she?" :)I also dusted, helped Kurt fold laundry, put together some stuff for Autumn's memory box (the outfit we had her in at the hospital, and some other gifts/mementos), put up some pictures, made fruit salad (can't waste good fruit!), and baked a couple of loaves of banana bread. All this while Kurt kept calling from his office (it was an organizing day for him, too), "Kendall - don't overdo it!"
(Yes - that is my blog on the computer screen... Kurt is a fan... or just likes to stay updated on what I say about him.. wink-wink!)
Oscar also had a productive day.Yes, I am being factitious. ;)
Thanks for your continued prayers, everyone... we feel every one of them.
Love,
the Manzville gang
2 comments:
just havn't stopped thinking about you...and needed you to know. :)
Kendall,
I don't know you, but I have had a blog for the last couple years and have have been commenting and reading your friend Janelle's blog. She told me about you and your recent loss, and thought I might want to read your blog. I have spent the last 45 min or so reading over your entries for the last few months. My heart has just broke over and over for you as tears of sorrow has run down my face. Yet I can feel such a strong sence of faith and strength in your words that it brings me comfort. It amazes me cause I know how had it is. Just like you we lost our dear little daughter. She passed away on Sept. 05 2007 from complication during delivery. Her name was Lily Ann. She was 9lbs 20 1/2 inches long. Perfect and beautiful in everyway, with lots of dark hair. (don't know where it came from. Our son was born pretty bald and my and my husband both had hardly any hair when we were born :-) As I started reading your blog entries when you were still pregnant and look at the pictures of all your babies stuff. It brought me back to those days and months before we had Lily. I read your words about bring her home and all the expectation of having a new baby. I remember how it felt....so exciting. It is so strange....you are pregnant and think the next thing to come is a baby and then when it is gone you are left feeling so empty and lost. As I read your words at parts it felt like I was talking, cause I have had some many of the same feelings as you. I am so thankful for the time you got to spend with your little angel Autumn. She was truely beautiful. I am thankful that you have such a wonderful family. I love the picture of your Dad holding his precious little grandchild. The look in his eyes is priceless. It has been a little over two months now since we lost our little girl. There have been days of joy and peace and then days of deep sorrow and torment. But the Lord has been with me through all of it. He has shown me clearly that this was his will for our little Lily. Even though at time it is hard to accept. I have to "hold on to the promise that there is a reason". (words from the song "There is a reason" by Caedmon's Call) I do miss her so much. I miss her has a baby, as a young child, a young women and the mother/daughter relationship that we could have had. I feel such great sorrow that we will be missing her whole life on earth. But then my heart finds joy in knowing she is safe at home with the Father and that is the goal. And like you said "This world is not our home" I don't know if you have heard the song "I've got more to go to heaven for then I had yesterday" Those words ring so true. I have never experieced this great great desire to make heaven my home. It was always my desire and my goal that I was striving for, but now I have this intense yearning for home and wanting to be there to see my daughter again. I want to tell you I am soooo sorry for your great great loss. You are not alone, and I hope you can find hope and strength in knowing the other are feeling your pain and trying to endure and make it through all this. I have found great comfort in your words and has helped remind me of many things today, as it was a hard day for me. My mind was trouble with thought of self-pity and thinking that it is "just not fair" But God is a just God and the rain falls on the just and the unjust. He hand is not short concering us. He will pull us through if we lean on him. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and continue to check your blog to see how you guys are doing. I know I don't know you, but I do know your pain and I am sending (((((hugs)))) your way.
Beth
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