In so many ways, I have been dreading this season since the 19th of October... and to realize that it is here and so vastly different from what it was 'supposed' to have been is hard. Attitude is everything... and I have - admittedly - not been very immersed in the Word or prayer lately. "No time" feels like such an excuse... but the mode of the last week was "Go, go, go!" The old struggles with anger and disappointment and "why me?" came back with a vengeance.
Tears were pretty steady - and my eyes often felt like cotton balls. Yes - an unpleasant description - but accurate nonetheless. (chuckle) Seeing baby clothes in Extra Foods... focusing on a dog with a gimpy leg versus the preferred daughter... seeing my in-laws and thinking, "Grampa should be holding Autumn right now."... coming home to a very empty and quiet house - again... fearing that perhaps she was and will be our only child... remembering how we were so close...
This past weekend was "Melfort Christmas" due to that being the only time we could coordinate all schedules and be together this month. I went downstairs at one point to get my glasses and ended up staying down there for 45 minutes at one point having a good-long cry. God providentially arranged Kurt to come down for something, and he was able to hold me and we cried together over our first Christmas without our first-born child.
It's just so sad... and I am dismayed at how often that turns to self-pity in my case. At times it feels like I am barely keeping my own head above water with my own grief - let alone trying to minister to others. BUT (and there is always a 'but') the truth is that instead of asking "Why me?" I should ask, "Why not me?" God gave this to us, and His character is all-wise and all-good... completely just all the time. If it wasn't the best thing, it wouldn't have happened. Faith is a heart that sees light when the eyes see only darkness...
But the Lord uses many things to bring me back to Himself... what a blessing to trust that this is only one of the things He has planned for me to persevere through - and He has given me many gifts in spite of myself. Like our family...
My husband who loves me.
My mother who understands me as a woman probably better than anyone, and comes alongside me with a heart that yearns to help - and by weeping with me she does just that.
My dad who hurts for Kurt not getting to have his own "pooh" and hopes and prays for more children for us.
Kurt and Dad at the hospital... what comforts hugs can be in the midst of tears!
My mother-in-law who was thrilled with her "grandma" mug... her giving and kind spirit are such a blessing to us.
My father-in-law whose eyes still fill with tears anytime we talk of his beautiful little granddaughter - I know he thinks of her often.
Thank you to all of you - and our brothers and sisters-in-law... God uses you so wonderfully to encourage us!
Anyway, your prayers are appreciated again this week - as we're heading out again tomorrow for a short trip to deliver Christmas gifts to customers. After this, we're home until Christmas day/week and then we have some down time until the new year... praise God. :)
God bless everyone... and I don't plan to take another week off - at least not intentionally. :)
3 comments:
You have continued to minister to me...and I don't even know you personally! :-) Hearing your story and reading your blog has really help me put things in perspective and prevents me from throwing many "pity parties" when things just don't seem to be working out. I am amazed at the amount of grace/strength God has given you through all of this and will be in prayer for you and your family during the holiday season. Oh, and I've passed your blog address onto some other moms who've lost their precious children seemingly too early. One mom told me that she just cried but it felt so good to read exactly how she was feeling and know she wasn't the only one! Hang in there..
God bless you, Kendall, and your grieving heart. I will pray, pray, pray that this Christmas season you will rejoice in the midst of your great sorrow and remember that God gave us the greatest gift in His Son Whom we are so undeserving of!
I was given this website by a friend and was a bit scared to visit it truthfully. But I did. My daughter's due date was to be October 17, 2007. However, at 26 weeks I was also told that my daughter no longer had a fetal heart beat. I was induced into labor and had my beautiful, perfect daughter, Ocean, on July 16, 2007. All of your hopes, dreams, perceptions of what your life was to be dissapear in an instant. Though those moments, even if few, that I had with her will be with me forever. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think about her. Lately, since her due date, I have found myself worse off than when everything happened. It is impossible for me to stop thinking about how she should be here with me right now, how she should have celebrated her first Christmas with her family. Just how different my life should be right now. She was my first child and always will be, I just wish it were in a different way. I will never accept what happened, but I will get through it, even if only because I have to. Sometimes I feel like reading about similar situations, knowing I am not alone. Other times I feel worse when doing so because it seems to happen so much more than I ever knew or ever wanted to know. It makes me scared for the future. I would love to be pregnant again and more than anything have another child. I will be terrified no matter what. I guess that is life though. I wish I had more faith and believed everything happens for a reason. But I don't. Sometimes I think I am strong and getting through this okay. Other times I don't think I will ever get through it. It was nice reading about your experience and seeing how positive you could be through everything. Maybe I should have more faith?
Post a Comment