About Trust

I breathe a sigh of relief with each day that goes by.

I remember when I was pregnant with Autumn... I had no fears. To be honest, I thought that if God went through the trouble (and after months of trying with no conception - I really did think it was 'trouble') to get me pregnant then why wouldn't He keep the baby safe? And - when I did think about something happening (as unreal as it seemed) - I knew that the baby wasn't ours anyway, and God would give us strength to deal with whatever. But I honestly never ever thought about miscarriage, or stillbirth being a possible factor for us. Even when she had the cyst on her brain - she was moving and growing - and I thought that was a good thing... so no doubts were so overwhelming that some pretty basic meditation on the things I knew to be true didn't help.

I look back on that weekend in October and think that for someone who wasn't expecting the worst (or even a complication) I adapted pretty quickly. By God's grace. And even as transparent as I've found myself to be on this blog... there are still deep parts of my own heart that just want to cry for the baby girl we lost all the time.

A new pregnancy means moving on - getting past being parents with no child - knowing my body didn't lose it's ability to hold life... and I longed for this! But there has been a lot of latent grief for Autumn surfacing, lately. Yes - there are also hormones and other issues going on... but sometimes (and I hadn't done this for a few months) I just look at her picture and the tears come.

I think about her moving - the delight and joy I felt when her little heels would press against my ribs, and the way she'd "shove" my hand out of the way if I was pressing her space too firmly. I'm realizing how hard that has been for me to make the connection with the baby girl who came out of me lifeless and still. I "knew" it was the same baby... but lately it has been hitting home that the child in the pictures was the same one who started bouncing around when Kurt talked, or when I sang in church, or when I was trying to get to sleep... she was very much alive. And with that realization, comes even a bigger sense of loss... for I wonder who she might have been if those eyes had opened, and I had felt her little fingers curl around mine. The pregnancy was a time of anticipation and excitement - and to not have the parts moving outside that had been moving inside... the whole process felt interrupted. On so many levels - I don't think I really got it. But I'm starting to... a little bit anyway.

Part of my anxiety is that because of all of the above, I won't really enjoy this pregnancy. Realistically - I didn't exactly enjoy the first trimester with Autumn either... so to put pressure on myself to rejoice in the nausea maybe isn't fair. (chuckle) But I don't want to be so hampered by what was that I cannot anticipate what will be.

What a journey... sometimes I wonder - really wonder - if I'm equipped to deal with this.
And then I come back to Who does the equipping. I know the Lord had planned this for me even as the last 6 months were within his complete control. This pregnancy - learning to trust Him - again - with the life He has created in me... this was part of His plan even when I lost our baby. It's taking more work to remember this time - but it's still true enough to stake my soul on. I want to give Him all the glory... and I know He'll answer that prayer.

I crave people's prayers (they help so much!) and am so thankful for everyone who has written to me to let me know who you are and how you have cared for us by grieving, praying - and now rejoicing in this new pregnancy.

Thank you for your support and love - blessings to all of you...