It's funny how fear creeps in.
And I don't mean funny, "Ha-ha."
It's not like my world doesn't have the reality of a lost baby. I have friends all over who are living with the same heartbreak - some even more tragic than my own. But all these joint experiences seem to combine, at times, into a mindset where it is a true miracle that any baby is born healthy and alive.
I lay down for a nap on Saturday and got up around 4. Between 4 and 7 I only felt the faintest of flutters - odd for a baby who is getting pretty active. Crazy active at times.
So I prepared supper and played with Peyton and prayed. Ate supper praying with each bite. Bathed my daughter and reminded myself of Who gave her to me. I did some stuff on the computer with my mind and heart pleading, "Please Lord. Not again."
The end of that story was that she did - of course - start moving more urgently as the evening wore on. By the time Kurt got home at 10:30, she was causing my whole stomach to shift from side-to-side. I was beyond relieved.
I'm not ever in a place where I can think, "Of course she's okay." because I know that isn't necessarily true. Just wanting something to be fine doesn't make it so. Telling yourself positive mantras doesn't affect reality. Laughing at your fears doesn't make them irrelevant. When the world crashes around you, the anti-stress workshops seem almost comic in their simplistic approach to life.
This world is a place where bad stuff does happen. To think otherwise is kind of a head-in-the-sand approach.
So how does anyone cope?
In my case, it's Jesus.
Because I know He loves me. He has planned my future.
This baby, Peyton and Autumn are known to Him. He has given me all my children - but they are ultimately His.
I am known to Him. Whatever circumstances come across my path - tragic or triumphant - are for my good, His glory - and I will see that someday. I believe it - really I do.
He has humbled me and made me dependent. That's okay. Because just like chanting positive thoughts doesn't make tragedy disappear - thinking I'm in control doesn't make it so. How much better to embrace it - and better yet! - to embrace the One who has a firm grasp on the steering wheel?
Thanks to those of you who keep our family in your prayers and thoughts... it means so much. Keep up the good work! :)
I have no doubt that God is using all of that to keep us stable and sane. :)
4 comments:
I'm so glad you posted this today. I have never experienced the level of heartbreak and disappointment that you have, but I can relate to your words. There are days that the idea that we may one day loose our foster daughters is crushing to me. There are many times I fail to remember they are ultimately His to do with as He pleases and I am here to worship Him alone. Regardless of what He chooses I need to trust that it is for our good and His glory and that He has given me the ability to trust Him through the Holly Spirit. Thank you for the encouragement and for the reminder that the world offers nothing but shallow words, but our Savior is our All in All. I needed that.
Actually, my worry lately has been that would lose my husband in some freak accident or illness.
Truly you're so right - my God loves me and in my weakness I can feel His strength. I can battle the fear of loss knowing how he held/holds you still through your own loss. I praise Him for showing my fears for what they are. And I praise Him for you, my friend, and this blog.
I guess I should write more on my own blog, eh?
I love you.
Great post...once again found myself nodding my head in understanding as I read. That was quite an adjustment for me who has alway been an obtimistic person to realize that just cause you think something is going to be ok, doesn't mean it really will be. But that is were true faith comes in and trusting that no matter what the Lord is in control and that he is shaping our life. I will be praying for you continually as the months go by for peace and strength.
Your words are so encouraging. It's so good to see such strength.
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