Did You Notice?

For the truly observant:
I've added a few links that I regularly check out!
I've done this more for selfish purposes than anything...
I truly am a child of the "it could be easier" generation - and I was tired of having to check them from my bookmarks. :)
I've been really blessed by these people... most (but not all) of whom have contacted me via the comments on the blog and I have followed their links to their blogs.
I hope you are blessed by them, too.
If you can figure out who is new... ;)

** BTW: If you are one of my links and you'd rather not be on - please let me know and I'll take you off right away - I promise. :)

Blessings...
k.

Relief

First, the good news: I don't have cancer!
For those of you who didn't know the anxiety I was faced with from last Friday - I can now fill you in. :)
I had been having some pretty major discomfort in the general mid-chest and underarm... since just a few days before we came home from Arizona. Friday morning I found some 'puckering'... which - if you have researched it - can be a sign of breast cancer.
Although I have several factors that reduce my risk (zero family history, a pregnancy, no smoking...) I went to the doctor right away, and he did an exam. There wasn't anything with huge risk painted across it in neon letters... but he didn't feel comfortable making that statement without further tests. He arranged for a stat ultrasound and/or mammogram today at 1:30.
To be honest, once I shared the news with some of you, I felt a lot better. Part of me felt like it was probably just more postpartum changes (fat rearranging itself again...) but there was that little fear that said, "You can't write things off anymore, Kendall." We've already received news we thought was impossible... nothing guarantees that the rest of our lives will be smooth sailing.
So today: All that was needed was an ultrasound... and there is nothing insidious. Praise God! :) The radiologist was pretty confident that things will stay that way... and other than his "Tell your doctor if anything changes or you feel lumps" there wasn't any need for follow-up. Double praise God! :)

Now: some honesty.

It's been a trying weekend. There have been so many other "issues".
Continuing grief.
Disappointments.
Missing Autumn terribly.
Family stresses.
When I added fear into that mix, I found myself teetering (once again) on the edge of despair. I also - as it would be when thinking fatalistically - had an appointment at the very same clinic that I first saw my daughter alive in. She would have been 18 weeks old. I first saw her 18 weeks from conception. I knew (knew) that if there were people there for an ultrasound they would be at 18 weeks... it is so hard to see other people's blissful unawareness of the risks... and that is when my spirit can get downright bitter.

Today I found myself groping blindly through scripture trying so hard to find comfort. I ended up in the Psalms. (Universally known by people who read the bible as the place to go when you're in the dumps emotionally and spirtually. Chuckle.) Psalm 13 jumped out at me immediately.

1: ... How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
2: How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
3: Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4: lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him," lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
5: But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6: I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Hmmm... I could have written that (chuckle).

So often (and especially in the past 4 months), my prayers are like a newborn's cries. I have a need. I cannot express it... all I know is that I must cry with all my might because my Father can somehow understand what it is that I lack and will supply it.

Sometimes I have inklings of what I want to be like - of how I want to behave, react, and live. But - like a star that seems to shine brightly from the corner of your eye and then vanishes when you turn to look directly at it - they are sometimes no more than unspoken feelings and longings. A sense of purpose. A whisper of what the future could hold. But to verbalize these thoughts would be a series of starts, stops, hand-gestures and tears... but the Lord knows. He does.

"I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior
I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior
My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God He was,
my God He is
My God is always gonna be"

Thank you, Aaron Shust.
You took a series of starts, stops, hand-gestures and tears and put them into words for my hurting heart. (The song is on the player if you want to listen to more of the words.)
"Simple" trust. Not blind trust... because God has shown me who He is... but a trust that understands I do not have to know what the journey will hold to be sure of the destination.

Thank you - thank you! - everyone who prayed for me. Especially those of you who prayed without knowing what you were praying for!
The Lord has done more for me today than taking care of my physical needs... I have no doubt He has used your prayers to take me exactly where I needed to go - and get me through exactly what I needed to go through.

Kurt (Part 2)

These are just over 6 minutes each... part one is below.

What Kurt Said (Part 1)

This is for those of you who have never heard my husband speak... he does it so well for himself - I can never do him justice when I try to quote him. :)
I love this man so much.
Perhaps - after watching this - you'll see why.

Sing To the Lord

Thanks to everyone who is praying for us... God has given me a much more peaceful heart than I had yesterday! I'll still give more details when I'm able... much love to you all! :)

For the time being I've added a few new songs to the play list on the side of the page. If you are a regular reader (and not a music player muter) you'll be able to recognize them right away. (Chuckle.) It's actually pretty easy: they're all the bottom ones after My Savior, My God. :) If you'd like to check out a couple or a few... just click them and they'll play...

My particular favorites?

East to West (Casting Crowns): This song echoes a heart that often breaks at how I still rebel in attitude and emotion against the Lord's plans... but wants to weep in reminder of a wonderfully sufficient Savior. It reminds me of how much mercy has been shown to me... The God who holds atoms together died for me. It's hard to complain when this truth hits me...

Praise You in This Storm (Casting Crowns): My testimony.

Bring the Rain (Mercy Me): My other testimony! (chuckle)

Blessed Be Your Name (Tree 63): I was waiting for this one to be available online! :) It was in our batch of songs played before and after the funeral. To this day, I can listen to it and my heart cries, "Yes! Yes!" even as tears stream down my face. Strangely enough, I always pictured it as a funeral song... and I heard it long before our daughter died.
I remember - clearly - thinking: "Lord... would I have the strength to sing this song if you ever took something precious from me?" and never allowed myself to finish the thought as far as the 'something' went...
A prayer answered.... although not like I ever pictured or planned.

Give Me Jesus (Fernando Ortega): Simple. Deep. A prayer that still needs to be answered every day in my life.

Anyway, they're all great. Crank them up with my blessing! (lol) Hope you enjoy them as much as I do... :-D

Brief Hello

It's been a busy few days.
On the road and back again... Oscar grew another inch and some pounds at the farm. :)
Without too many details, I could really, really use some prayer tonight and in the early part of the coming week. I'll share after more details come available.
Thanks for reading, everyone... God bless...
kendall

The Other Side of the Valley

The Lord has gotten us through a couple of really difficult few days... and I lift a grateful heart of praise. Thank you so much to those who have been praying for us and for those who continue to do so.
For a note of humor... see our goofy, gigantic dog go through his regular routine of getting on the bed. At night, he actually walks around the edge and places his chin everywhere until we say come up. If we don't say it, he stares at Kurt and does a subtle deep whine. Charming...