Relief

First, the good news: I don't have cancer!
For those of you who didn't know the anxiety I was faced with from last Friday - I can now fill you in. :)
I had been having some pretty major discomfort in the general mid-chest and underarm... since just a few days before we came home from Arizona. Friday morning I found some 'puckering'... which - if you have researched it - can be a sign of breast cancer.
Although I have several factors that reduce my risk (zero family history, a pregnancy, no smoking...) I went to the doctor right away, and he did an exam. There wasn't anything with huge risk painted across it in neon letters... but he didn't feel comfortable making that statement without further tests. He arranged for a stat ultrasound and/or mammogram today at 1:30.
To be honest, once I shared the news with some of you, I felt a lot better. Part of me felt like it was probably just more postpartum changes (fat rearranging itself again...) but there was that little fear that said, "You can't write things off anymore, Kendall." We've already received news we thought was impossible... nothing guarantees that the rest of our lives will be smooth sailing.
So today: All that was needed was an ultrasound... and there is nothing insidious. Praise God! :) The radiologist was pretty confident that things will stay that way... and other than his "Tell your doctor if anything changes or you feel lumps" there wasn't any need for follow-up. Double praise God! :)

Now: some honesty.

It's been a trying weekend. There have been so many other "issues".
Continuing grief.
Disappointments.
Missing Autumn terribly.
Family stresses.
When I added fear into that mix, I found myself teetering (once again) on the edge of despair. I also - as it would be when thinking fatalistically - had an appointment at the very same clinic that I first saw my daughter alive in. She would have been 18 weeks old. I first saw her 18 weeks from conception. I knew (knew) that if there were people there for an ultrasound they would be at 18 weeks... it is so hard to see other people's blissful unawareness of the risks... and that is when my spirit can get downright bitter.

Today I found myself groping blindly through scripture trying so hard to find comfort. I ended up in the Psalms. (Universally known by people who read the bible as the place to go when you're in the dumps emotionally and spirtually. Chuckle.) Psalm 13 jumped out at me immediately.

1: ... How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
2: How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
3: Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4: lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him," lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
5: But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6: I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Hmmm... I could have written that (chuckle).

So often (and especially in the past 4 months), my prayers are like a newborn's cries. I have a need. I cannot express it... all I know is that I must cry with all my might because my Father can somehow understand what it is that I lack and will supply it.

Sometimes I have inklings of what I want to be like - of how I want to behave, react, and live. But - like a star that seems to shine brightly from the corner of your eye and then vanishes when you turn to look directly at it - they are sometimes no more than unspoken feelings and longings. A sense of purpose. A whisper of what the future could hold. But to verbalize these thoughts would be a series of starts, stops, hand-gestures and tears... but the Lord knows. He does.

"I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior
I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior
My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God He was,
my God He is
My God is always gonna be"

Thank you, Aaron Shust.
You took a series of starts, stops, hand-gestures and tears and put them into words for my hurting heart. (The song is on the player if you want to listen to more of the words.)
"Simple" trust. Not blind trust... because God has shown me who He is... but a trust that understands I do not have to know what the journey will hold to be sure of the destination.

Thank you - thank you! - everyone who prayed for me. Especially those of you who prayed without knowing what you were praying for!
The Lord has done more for me today than taking care of my physical needs... I have no doubt He has used your prayers to take me exactly where I needed to go - and get me through exactly what I needed to go through.