Sorry!

I feel like I have to do penance - or something - for all the posts I haven't written. :)

It's kinda strange - but lately, I just haven't felt like I've had much to post about.

I'm sure that will change in a few weeks... when I will - no doubt - be posting a couple of times a day.

At least. ;) (lol)

But for now, it has just been the daily stuff... plus selling our house (it sold, by the way - thanks to everyone who was praying... and we got quite a bit more than we were asking... praising God!)... and planning a move and doing Easter with my family and Kurt's (and all the dogs belonging to various families)... it's just been a lot and I'm really finding myself sleep-deprived and tired.

There has been lots of missing our daughter, lately. I actually find myself laying awake at night thinking about her. The day she was born... the day she died... the "what ifs". I stopped over at a friend's blog today and she had a picture of her daughter and another blog-friend's daughter... and the other gal's daughter was only about a week older than Autumn would have been. I found myself staring at her picture and just wondering... not even wishing, exactly... but imagining what she would be like - and how different my life would be right now if she had lived. Some days that feels about as real as the dream I had where I won the lottery (which I really dreamed a couple of days ago). :)

A few posts ago I said how it was hard to have to ask the Lord for my daily peace. Lately, I find myself simply being 'tube-fed'. Too tired to ask, I just kinda exist - and there could be a debate arranged around that point, too. I'm really tired of it - and if you would pray for me about this, I'd really appreciate it. I haven't felt this exhausted since she was born.

I know the Lord will carry me through this area... he's not dropped me yet. And there have been some really dark days. But the battle is pretty tough - and the temptation is to just cocoon for a few months. (chuckle)

Thanks for checking the blog even though it's been less-than faithfully updated, everyone. I'll get back to it soon. Really. :)

Here We Go!

After a month (or more) of planning, and cleaning, and decision making - the realtor came by today and put a sign on our lawn. Kurt didn't want me to take too many pictures of this momentous occasion... but here is one to commemorate the day. :)

Our house is officially for sale!

I've been busy with all that - plus shopping and planning for renos on the new house (when we take posession) and then our computer decided to go on the fritz (no internet for the last few days) and I'm actually at mom and dad's right now hoping that this computer doesn't boot me off while I type. :)

Phew... More updates to come when I have a few more minutes... thanks so much to everyone who keeps on checking on me! :)

Grrr...

We just got back from a road trip... and I was quite stunned to see many Charlie videos on my blog. What happened was that when I tried to post them right off of YouTube - last week - there was a huge delay. I finally just cut and pasted the code right into my post... all the while thinking, "I wonder what will happen to the rest of them?"
(Rolling eyes!)
Now I know.
Sorry about flooding your reader, Laura! :)

Reflections

I've been thinking an awful lot about Autumn lately. Just wondering... wishing... and my heart just kinda aches a lot of the time.

I don't even cry, exactly... I wish I could describe the deep sadness that seems to lodge deeper and deeper. I'm sure there are other people who understand these emotions. This sinking feeling that the sense of missing her will be with me for the rest of my earthly existence. The horrible permanence of her loss.

It's been almost 5 months.
5 whole months.

One one hand, it seems like it could be yesterday - if I let myself remember - really remember the last day... the last couple of weeks for that matter. Or her birth. How - even in the midst of the tragedy - I was so proud of her and happy to have her... just look at the pictures. I'm pretty much the most transparent person I know. If I'm upset - there is no hiding it. If I'm happy, my eyes shine. (There are times I realize what I'm feeling by just catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror... chuckle.) I'm sad here... but it is a real smile.

Funny, huh? When that feeling arises I wonder how I've gotten through literal months without my precious baby girl. I wonder how I got through that weekend. I wonder at how I can ever feel as though things are "all right" when she's not here. I wonder at my daily sense of sanity as I go about my daily tasks and move on with my future...

The other hand - and I eluded to this in my last post - still seems to hold out the option of it all being a strange dream. I'll feel like some kind of failure because my baby died when everyone else's (in a broad and general self-pitying sense) lived. What did I do wrong that I would become the odd-one out? There are days when my mind will say - perhaps after looking at my body (grimace) - "S'okay, Kendall, you did have a baby." (chuckle) In a purely physical and vain sense - I have all the after-effects of childbearing... and none of the reward. But if I forget I had her... I could convince myself that I just "let myself go". (small smile)

None of this is new. I've said all this before. I'm just aware that the sting is still there. I was looking something up on babycentre.ca (you can tell it is Canadian because of the way 'centre' is spelled... :)) the other day, and because I had a previous account it just signed me in with the salutation, "Greetings Kendall - your 4 month old is...." and proceeded to give all the milestones she should be attaining. Part of me wanted to read it all... but the other - practical - side of me got out of there as fast as I could. Why put myself through what is sure to be a painful experience on purpose?

As I also mentioned in the last post, there is a place when I really do have to 'stop' thinking about it. Not her... but the fact that she isn't with us. I'm not sure how I go about dividing that in my mind - but somehow - most of the time, actually - I'm able to think of her without thinking of her death and birth. I'm able to picture my future without her... and be okay with her being the sweetest memory. But just a memory. It's when I get into the "if only" territory that the emotions can become negative and depressed.

I just am so aware of the fact that the Lord will need to hold me through this for the rest of my life. I mean, statistics don't comfort me - I've been a statistic. A general sense of well-being isn't reassuring... I felt great before she died. As a believer, I think, "Great! I'll never be able to self-exist ever again." even as the fleshly part of me says, "Why do I have to give this to the Lord every single day???"

To illustrate that last statement (lest anyone think I'm being blasphemous... chuckle) I'd compare it to having to ask the Lord for your daily bread because there is no way you can provide it for yourself. If he doesn't give it, you go hungry. You literally have to ask - and wait for Him to provide breakfast every day. The obvious benefit of asking for it all the time is that there is an awareness of the need to totally and completely depend on Him. However - and this especially goes for us 'western' Christians - there is a place where we'd all like to just know there is going to be food there when you wake up in the morning - or at least the money to go purchase it. We like to know we have the ability to provide. "Of course," we say, "it's all from God."... but do we really feel that? It's the contrast between self-provision and genuine and complete dependence on a wise and sovereign God.

Peace is my daily bread, and He does give if I ask for it... but it takes time and effort and concentration and faith to see Him for who He is. This - of all the struggles with Autumn's death - is the hardest. It's daily. I can't coast. I can't just "be"... I have to trust, and be weak, and wait to see what He is going to do.

It's what I've prayed for my entire Christian life. And now that I have it... it is different than what I thought. But - and this is the beauty of Jesus Christ - there is such joy in the waiting and watching. It's like watching a movie where you cringe through the scary parts... but know it will all turn out in the end. The Lord has - somehow - given me a heart where although I'm not comfortable, I am not consistently afraid. I know that peace is there - held in His open hand. He asks that I daily ask Him for it. Is this hard? As a sinful human - yes. As a woman who has become weak - it is my only hope and comfort.

2Co 12:9: But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2Co 12:10: For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Jesus is so faithful. His Word contains so many promises of taking anxiety away if our heart's are set on Him. There is a happiness that is real - that I still know after 5 months - that is only from Him. Knowing He is in control. Knowing He loves me. Knowing He will do what is best for me.

Blessings, everyone.
kendall

Ditching It, Etc...

So I'll just start this post with the disclaimer that I'm only posting because I feel guilty because I haven't posted. Not because I have anything specific I want to say. So if it feels random, or strange... you've been warned. Not that I know where I'm going with this, yet... but just in case...

Today was the second of my Bi-Weekly Grace Fellowship Ladies Tea. I hope that I'm not the only one who feels like it's relaxed and a good place to just get to know one another better as we press on and try to minister and encourage one another. If you were there: don't forget to pray for your person! :)

(FYI: Everyone wrote their name, date and a few prayer requests on a card which we randomly drew from a bag so that everyone would know that someone was praying for them for the next couple of weeks. I hope it works... praying for people always helps relationships grow. :))

Ummm... my parents are leaving for Hawaii on the 19th. I'm sure it will be hard for them to leave us here. ;) We'll be watching their house for some of that time (not to be too specific for those who would wish to remove from us all our worldly possessions) and making sure that their 50" plasma is okay without them. ;) I'm only sorry the Brier will be done by then. Nothing like curling on the big screen with surround sound... I am not being sarcastic.

We will - Lord willing - be listing out house next week. The realtor is coming Monday afternoon to take pictures - with the plan to put it on the market on the 19th. Hopefully it will sell quickly. The realtor is pretty optimistic that with the market being so hot that it won't last any longer than 5 days. If the Lord works that out, I'll be pretty happy. If He doesn't... then I shall determine to be content regardless. :) It's pretty exciting... and a great time to be living in Saskatoon. Kurt read in the Globe and Mail that the two hottest housing markets in the country right now are Newfoundland and Saskatchewan. Go figure...

Anyway - we gave the guys downstairs their 24+many hours of notice to make sure the floors are visible and the counters clear. :) Hopefully it won't be to much of a challenge for them with midterms, etc.

I had kind of a rough night last night. I was thinking about the morning Autumn was born, and just how sad it was. The more I remember, the more I realize what a sense of shock pervaded the entire experience... I can't believe I was ever pregnant - let alone gave birth to a beautiful little girl. It's hard to believe she would have been 5 months old on the 21st. It's hard to choose to not dwell upon it - but sometimes I really just have to make that choice. There are better times than others to grieve... and better ways. But I'll continue to walk this by God's grace. Thanks to those who continue to pray for Kurt and I. :)

Oh - one last story!

Kurt and I had quite the adventure the other day. On our way to Swift Current (another road trip) and out in the boonies between Davidson and Eyebrow (the second is really the name of a town - check it out here) on a grid road we hit some ice and washboard and ditched the truck doing at least 90kms. Kurt handled it really well, though - and steered straight in. (If you try to pull it out you'll probably roll as soon as even one tire hits the snow... it's really much better to ride straight and still be intact.) Fortunately, there was at least 4 feet of snow in the ditch that slowed us down, the air bags didn't deploy, and we didn't take out the farmer's fence. Unfortunately, because the underside of the truck filled with snow (from bottom to top) the truck immediately stalled. And it was -18. Kurt dressed up and started walking to the "nearby" farmer's house... which was actually about 2 miles away. That farmer wasn't home. (I had said before he left the truck, "What if he isn't home?" and Kurt said, "I'm sure he'll be there." Ahem.) But he had taken his phone and was able to call my mom to look up tow-truck companies. Long story short (3 hours later) we were pulled out by a tow truck from Craik. He charged $1.80 a kilometer... but it was worth it to get out of the ditch. The bright side was that the nice warm March sun kept me pretty cozy in the truck even though it was pretty cold out. In fact, when I was standing out of the truck when it was being winched out, I actually windburned/frostbit my face - so I'm super glad we didn't roll and break windows or anything!

Kurt and the tow truck driver then had to dig all the snow out from under the hood, around the radiator, fan belt... everything - so that the truck could start and stay running. They did a pretty good job... and the truck ran well for the next 2 days, and there don't seem to be any lingering negative effects - but it was a pretty crazy adventure! :) Of all the times to not take my camera... it would have been great to post a picture of our half-buried truck! I was just really glad we weren't in the car - which probably wouldn't have had much of an undercarriage left...

Our wonderful little truck when we got it... Dodge Trucks rock!

So! :) I think that will suffice for now. Thanks for checking, everyone - especially when I haven't been the most faithful with posting during the last week.

PS: Let me know what you think of the "Charlie" video! I still laugh every time I watch it! :-D

Charlie

Ahhhh....

The furnace is fixed - for those who were wondering. :)
My brilliant husband and genius father fixed it - and I've been bathing in heat since 5 pm yesterday.
Sigh.
:)

Brrrr...

It's only 17 degrees in my house! (There is no smiley for my frozen (ha! get it?) expression.)


Anyway, some more pictures... see how my man peereth over the edge bravely? :)


This is the same rock I was one in the last post. But these are better angles. That is because I take pictures from a scrapbookers perspective, and Kurt just takes them. (grin)


I like the sepia of this one... very artistic, don't you think?

BTW: I am super-excited about something I found on my blog counter site: I had at least 3 non-North American visits in the last 100 (yes, I only use the free counter which goes up to 100). Hi to those not on my continent! Thanks for reading! :)

17 Days Until Spring! (Yeah right...)

How did it get to be March already?

Okay... so I realize I haven't done anything past 'Arizona - Day 2'... and hopefully that will change soon. And... I actually took some video (poor quality because it was our camera) at the Grand Canyon - so I'd like to put that up.

In the meanwhile... here is more proof of my daring adventures on the mile-high (literally) South Rim. I hadn't yet purchased (or read) the book "Over the Edge: Death in the Grand Canyon" which would have made the parking lot close enough for me. Yep - people have died where I'm standing. Or - more accurately - below where I am standing. Semantics.

Anyway - I didn't know that yet - so here is the picture. :)


Oh - and one more thing: Our furnace broke this morning. I'm walking around wrapped in a blanket. Seriously.
It would be one thing if it was mild, but it's still -13 (-22 with the wind chill) and not a great time for the motor to blow. We open doors as little as possible - and I'll probably stick a roast or something in the oven to warm up the house a little bit.
So as I write, Kurt and my dad (who just arrived and laughed at me walking around wrapped in a blanket) are downstairs trying to fix it.
Hope it works! I'm having trouble feeling my fingers (but no trouble with exaggeration, obviously...) so I'll dash downstairs now to see how they're doing...
Stay tuned!
Blessings everyone!