Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Sorry!

I feel like I have to do penance - or something - for all the posts I haven't written. :)

It's kinda strange - but lately, I just haven't felt like I've had much to post about.

I'm sure that will change in a few weeks... when I will - no doubt - be posting a couple of times a day.

At least. ;) (lol)

But for now, it has just been the daily stuff... plus selling our house (it sold, by the way - thanks to everyone who was praying... and we got quite a bit more than we were asking... praising God!)... and planning a move and doing Easter with my family and Kurt's (and all the dogs belonging to various families)... it's just been a lot and I'm really finding myself sleep-deprived and tired.

There has been lots of missing our daughter, lately. I actually find myself laying awake at night thinking about her. The day she was born... the day she died... the "what ifs". I stopped over at a friend's blog today and she had a picture of her daughter and another blog-friend's daughter... and the other gal's daughter was only about a week older than Autumn would have been. I found myself staring at her picture and just wondering... not even wishing, exactly... but imagining what she would be like - and how different my life would be right now if she had lived. Some days that feels about as real as the dream I had where I won the lottery (which I really dreamed a couple of days ago). :)

A few posts ago I said how it was hard to have to ask the Lord for my daily peace. Lately, I find myself simply being 'tube-fed'. Too tired to ask, I just kinda exist - and there could be a debate arranged around that point, too. I'm really tired of it - and if you would pray for me about this, I'd really appreciate it. I haven't felt this exhausted since she was born.

I know the Lord will carry me through this area... he's not dropped me yet. And there have been some really dark days. But the battle is pretty tough - and the temptation is to just cocoon for a few months. (chuckle)

Thanks for checking the blog even though it's been less-than faithfully updated, everyone. I'll get back to it soon. Really. :)

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kendall you both are amazing and there is no need to appoligize, your sorrow is yours and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Your loss has been huge and that will always be, and God although more powerful than breath itself still allows us to hurt, because if we didn't our faith would be much weaker than if we must depend on him. Know how loved you are by thousands who have never even had the gift of meeting you or getting to know you. Someone I know that just lost her father heard a really nice saying that you might like, I hope...Sometimes God takes away perfection to be with him, before this world has a chance to ruin them. I have and will continue to pray for you. Dana

Unknown said...

Kendall,
thanks for posting. I've missed hearing from you. I'll pray for stength with the impending move. I love you sooo much!!! Say "hi" to the Manz for us. :)

KathyG said...

Hi Kendall,
My name is Kathy and Ive been reading your blog for the last month. My friend Nicole Van Ee gave me the address. I lost my baby boy, Zachary, almost 5 years ago. I have felt what you are feeling and I still feel it somewhat as I read your blog!
I just wanted you to know that I am praying that God will comfort you and give you His peace. I am also praying that He will reveal His great love for you!! I have been learning so much about His wonderful love. He is healing me!
Thank you so much for your honesty in how you are feeling. God Bless You!!

R.A. said...

Dude, Kendall, your blog has been a blessing to so many. If you never blogged again, what you have blogged would be enough to encourage thousands more for years to come. Blog when you have time and when you feel you have something you want to say, but don't worry about US! We miss you when you don't blog because God has given you a great deal of wisdom, and a difficult situation through which you have been able to express that wisdom and growing to us. But don't feel the need to apologize when you're not here. I imagine eventually the blogging will have to slow down anyway, so don't feel bad.

My prayers continue to be with you. It's awesome to have the same God who SEES us and KNOWS us and allows us the gift of prayer for each other even when we've never met. God bless you and Kurt in abundance!