I don't even cry, exactly... I wish I could describe the deep sadness that seems to lodge deeper and deeper. I'm sure there are other people who understand these emotions. This sinking feeling that the sense of missing her will be with me for the rest of my earthly existence. The horrible permanence of her loss.
It's been almost 5 months.
5 whole months.
One one hand, it seems like it could be yesterday - if I let myself remember - really remember the last day... the last couple of weeks for that matter. Or her birth. How - even in the midst of the tragedy - I was so proud of her and happy to have her... just look at the pictures. I'm pretty much the most transparent person I know. If I'm upset - there is no hiding it. If I'm happy, my eyes shine. (There are times I realize what I'm feeling by just catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror... chuckle.) I'm sad here... but it is a real smile.
Funny, huh? When that feeling arises I wonder how I've gotten through literal months without my precious baby girl. I wonder how I got through that weekend. I wonder at how I can ever feel as though things are "all right" when she's not here. I wonder at my daily sense of sanity as I go about my daily tasks and move on with my future...
The other hand - and I eluded to this in my last post - still seems to hold out the option of it all being a strange dream. I'll feel like some kind of failure because my baby died when everyone else's (in a broad and general self-pitying sense) lived. What did I do wrong that I would become the odd-one out? There are days when my mind will say - perhaps after looking at my body (grimace) - "S'okay, Kendall, you did have a baby." (chuckle) In a purely physical and vain sense - I have all the after-effects of childbearing... and none of the reward. But if I forget I had her... I could convince myself that I just "let myself go". (small smile)
None of this is new. I've said all this before. I'm just aware that the sting is still there. I was looking something up on babycentre.ca (you can tell it is Canadian because of the way 'centre' is spelled... :)) the other day, and because I had a previous account it just signed me in with the salutation, "Greetings Kendall - your 4 month old is...." and proceeded to give all the milestones she should be attaining. Part of me wanted to read it all... but the other - practical - side of me got out of there as fast as I could. Why put myself through what is sure to be a painful experience on purpose?
As I also mentioned in the last post, there is a place when I really do have to 'stop' thinking about it. Not her... but the fact that she isn't with us. I'm not sure how I go about dividing that in my mind - but somehow - most of the time, actually - I'm able to think of her without thinking of her death and birth. I'm able to picture my future without her... and be okay with her being the sweetest memory. But just a memory. It's when I get into the "if only" territory that the emotions can become negative and depressed.
I just am so aware of the fact that the Lord will need to hold me through this for the rest of my life. I mean, statistics don't comfort me - I've been a statistic. A general sense of well-being isn't reassuring... I felt great before she died. As a believer, I think, "Great! I'll never be able to self-exist ever again." even as the fleshly part of me says, "Why do I have to give this to the Lord every single day???"
To illustrate that last statement (lest anyone think I'm being blasphemous... chuckle) I'd compare it to having to ask the Lord for your daily bread because there is no way you can provide it for yourself. If he doesn't give it, you go hungry. You literally have to ask - and wait for Him to provide breakfast every day. The obvious benefit of asking for it all the time is that there is an awareness of the need to totally and completely depend on Him. However - and this especially goes for us 'western' Christians - there is a place where we'd all like to just know there is going to be food there when you wake up in the morning - or at least the money to go purchase it. We like to know we have the ability to provide. "Of course," we say, "it's all from God."... but do we really feel that? It's the contrast between self-provision and genuine and complete dependence on a wise and sovereign God.
Peace is my daily bread, and He does give if I ask for it... but it takes time and effort and concentration and faith to see Him for who He is. This - of all the struggles with Autumn's death - is the hardest. It's daily. I can't coast. I can't just "be"... I have to trust, and be weak, and wait to see what He is going to do.
It's what I've prayed for my entire Christian life. And now that I have it... it is different than what I thought. But - and this is the beauty of Jesus Christ - there is such joy in the waiting and watching. It's like watching a movie where you cringe through the scary parts... but know it will all turn out in the end. The Lord has - somehow - given me a heart where although I'm not comfortable, I am not consistently afraid. I know that peace is there - held in His open hand. He asks that I daily ask Him for it. Is this hard? As a sinful human - yes. As a woman who has become weak - it is my only hope and comfort.
2Co 12:9: But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2Co 12:10: For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2Co 12:10: For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Jesus is so faithful. His Word contains so many promises of taking anxiety away if our heart's are set on Him. There is a happiness that is real - that I still know after 5 months - that is only from Him. Knowing He is in control. Knowing He loves me. Knowing He will do what is best for me.
Blessings, everyone.
kendall
9 comments:
I remember after losing Lily all I thought about was what it would be like "if" she was here and what would we be doing right now "if" she was here. It was needful at the time to think about that as part of the grieving, but as time as gone on I see that it definately hinders my healing if I go there. I have not thought about that in a long time. I remember the 5 months mark and it was hard. We just had our 6 month mark and it was tough too. 1/2 a year since she has been gone, 1/2 a year old she would have been. We heard a song the other day in church and is says "Come my yoke is easy and my burdens light" As I sang the song I though, do I really believe those words. Cause I knew at times I felt like this burden was way more that I could handle. And that this trial would never come to an end or get any easier. But now I see we have made it 6 months and we are doing ok. We are still living and our world hasn't come to an end like I thought it had. I know that this all because of the Lord. He has made this burden "light" compared to what it would be like without his love, mercy, compassion, and the peace he gives us within when we are really needing it. Even thought it is still like you said a daily battle and we still need comfort daily to bare this burden. He is pulling us through this...
Kendall, your words are sobering. As I read about the temptation to blame yourself or to feel like a failure as a mother for the loss of your daughter, I think I would feel the same exact way. I say that because when things are hard with our daughter, I tend to feel like I'm failing as a mother. Don't believe that for a minute. You would have walked through fire to protect that dear child. God knows that too. He knows how much you long to hold her in your arms again, and He cares. I think there would be a temptation on my part to think that He didn't care, but He cares so much more than you know. The Lord has reasons beyond our comprehension for allowing sorrow. Just remember that as much as you love that little girl, Jesus Christ loves her and you infinitely more. I'm praying for you today. Keep looking to Him!!!
Kendall,
Dear friend...I am thankfull today for the comfort that comes from our Heavenly Father. As Beth and Victoria have shared.
I'm especially thankful for Beth today as she can comfort with the comfort she has received from our most loving Father.
I too am praying for you today.
Hugs...big ones...and a shout out to Oscar from Trinity :)
Kendall - so many things run through my mind, but for now all I will say is "I understand". I've been there and the Lord indeed holds us in His strong arms. His grace is indeed sufficient.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. Your words echo the words my heart often cried, but I didn't know how to write them down.
Thank you!
Terah
Hi Kendall,
Today I wish we could sit on a couch together. I wouldn't have many words to say, but I would want you to know that I am clinging to God's promises with you, each day. I am desperate for His sufficient grace. For His security, His peace, His truth and His love. And He gives it. He is faithful. Thank you Lord.
To Him who is able -
we've never met, i've come to your blog through the blog that was established for sweet alivia. i am touched by your words and can completely relate to the mix of emotions your walking through. The loss, ache & pain coexisting with the peace that surpasses all understanding. we lost our first born son, Logan Clark, just hours after he was born. it's been over 2 years and i still think of him every single day. your words are encouraging and inspiring to me. i pray you and your husband can continue to feel god shower you with peace, strength and feel his deep love for you.
i am so sorry for your loss. there are no words!
Kendall,
Without knowing what you guys are going through, I do know that your pain and sorrow is so very real. I pray that you will continue to not only know, but feel God's grace, love, and strength that is also just as real. May Christ's power give you daily what you need.
love you guys!
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Your blog always leaves me so challenged to press into the Lord the way you do. Kendall, your blog is like a ministry. God is using your words to minister to so many.
Thank you for sharing so openly. and thank you for constantly pointing others to the source of your strength. God is faithful. He will NEVER leave us.
I've posted one other time. I found your blog via Alivia's. I pray for you often.
Blessings
Holly Wadding
western PA
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