Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Birthday Post

Hey everyone - and thanks so much for your prayers and thoughts on this day. I can't express how much it has meant to have emails and comments from all of you who have supported us through this very difficult year.

It was a pretty low-key day, actually. I thought about her lots - but mostly Kurt and I reflected on how far God has brought us in this past year. We read Psalm 139 this morning and wept as the truth of those verses rang out. He has not left us - we are not alone. And she - despite never taking a breath - was skilfully wrought and miraculously made by Him. It's so good to remember that.

My in-laws and folks came to town and visited Autumn's grave - and we all were amazed that it truly has been one year since that morning when we all gathered at Royal University Hospital to say hello and that last painful goodbye to our firstborn daughter and granddaughter.

I've come to the conclusion that this year was about how our walk with God would grow because of Autumn. Her life and death have touched so many people. There have been times I've hated the fact that it had to be me that lost a child - and then others when the truth of "why not me?" keeps me humble and quietly trusting God. Her moments on this earth were brief. But for us who had to continue on without her - to learn to live when she wasn't here with us... at times this year has seemed endless.

Today I thought about baby steps, and grins and giggles. About what she would have looked like, sounded, acted... and I cried for her.

But the 21st has always been a celebratory day for my heart. It was the day I met her - found out what and who she was... wept over her as a person - came to be a mother. There was sadness - more intense than any I've ever felt - but also fulfillment. Even the 20th - waiting for the induction to work - had so many redeeming points. Prayers, tears, cuddles with Kurt... resolve to stand firm and love the Lord because He loved me first even though my heart was broken.

For me, the darkest day of the entire year was the 19th. That was the day which started so normal and ended with a horror so unreal my mind almost could not comprehend it. I vividly recall the doctor telling us our baby had died, feeling physically like I was going to throw up, and then realizing it was great sobs coming out of my body... phoning my mom and having to say, "Mommy - the baby died." The 19th has been the day I dreaded - knowing that at 2:45 am it would have been one year since the last time I felt her move - live. The bitterness of the 19th in my times of reminiscing has almost overwhelmed the sweetness of the 21st.

And yet, the Lord - in His wisdom and immense compassion - has found a way to turn the 19th of October into a day of great rejoicing in a way that is so all-encompassing there is no doubt He alone could have arranged it.

Announcing:

Peyton Grace Elaine Manz
Born 3:09am, October 19th, 2008
Weight: 7 pounds, 2 ounces
Length: 20 1/2 inches

Coming to the realization that the Lord - on the very day he took my first daughter - has granted me the life of my second has been another reason for me to proclaim His faithfulness. He really has brought us full-circle. The seemingly random occurrences of a baby dying and another living... possibly within one exact year of each other are not coincidence. They are purposed. He gave - and He took... and now He has given us - again - another reason to cling to Him. From here on, the 21st will be Autumn's day, and the 19th with be the day God restored my joy with Peyton's birth.

We mourn Autumn - holding and cuddling Peyton makes us miss her even more. But we look at our new daughter and have hope for the future. Hope is addictive - the more I have, the more I seek. Peyton is my baby of grace... and her name reflects that. I love her so much it hurts at times... and being her mommy - truly thinking about being her mommy - brings tears of thankfulness to my eyes and a sigh of contentment to my heart. I have waited so very long for her - and now she is here with all her littleness and neediness... and I love it! :)

So that was how I spent Autumn's birthday - and SURPRISE for those of you who didn't already know. :) Your prayers over this last year have been - without doubt - the greatest reason I am still functioning.

I'll post again soon with the details of how I (of all people) managed to pull off this amazing stunt without letting the cat out of the bag, and how it all came together. Oh - and more pictures, of course. :)

Thanks so much for reading, everyone... I'm blessed that you want to. Speaking of the little needy one - she's protesting something in the other room so I have to go be a mommy. :)

With love,
kendall

57 comments:

Jessica said...

I was reading your post and then was shocked that you already had your baby! I'm so excited for you and it is truly amazing how God changed that day around for you. I started crying when I read your post. Your baby girl is so cute, and what dark hair! Congratulations!

rachel joy said...

My goodness, what a surprise! When I clicked on your link and saw it was about Autumn's birthday I figured you must not have delivered yet. Well, well, well! She's beautiful! God's timing is remarkable! (And I think this is the first time I've commented. Been lurking a long time, but couldn't stay quiet with this news!)

Megan said...

I am totally crying right now, thanking God for answering my prayer to let you hold your baby girl, hearing her cry at the same time. I am so so happy for you!

Vanessa said...

I also have been following your blog without commenting and have prayed for you guys. I too am crying and touched by the story of God's grace in your lives and encouraged by the hope that you have been given. Wow. So Congratulations and blessings as you mother this little one. :)

R.A. said...

CONGRATULATIONS! She is absolutely beautiful - what a darlingface! I've been praying for you guys a lot this month...what an amazing God we serve. Enjoy mommyhood!

Anonymous said...

You definitely managed to surprise me. I think I'd be crying right now even if I wasn't pregnant and overly emotional :) Tears of mingled sorrow and joy for you, and mostly tears of awe at the amazing compassion and love of our great Father.

Peyton is a darling, and I am so happy for you all! I hope the time will come sometime when we can actually see each other in person again, meet each other's husbands, and hug each other's children. Love you!

Kelsie-Lynn said...

Tears of joy and sorrow stream down my face as I read your post. Peyton is SO beautiful, she truly is a gift from God. I am amazed at how God chooses to work. He truly is amazing. And just so you know I think you are an awesome Mommmy to both your girls. We'll be keeping you in our prayers.

Vicki said...

I canNOT stop crying!! My heart is simply BURSTING with happiness!! I too saw the post title and was sad thinking about Autumn, but when I scrolled down to see the picture - my mouth just dropped!!!
This is EXACTLY what I have prayed for, so many times!!!! And I am truly in awe of our God. It absolutely was NOT coincidence!! And it overwhelms me.
Peyton is gorgeous (and I love her name)!! I just sat and stared at her. :)
I am truly BEYOND happy for the two of you. This joy, these feelings - all of what I hoped for you. God is SO good and has brought such joy from such sadness!!
The three of you are in my heart and remain in my prayers!!! (Now if I could just get this crying under control so I can get to work!!! ;) )
With love and blessings,

Jen said...

She is sooo beautiful! Many congratulations! God works in amazing ways doesn't he. I'm so glad you can finally hold your wee one!

paige said...

God is so good... He gives such good gifts. She's beautiful.

Unknown said...

WHAT? i totally had to re-read the paragraph about your daughter. i'm still in shock that you had your baby!!! soooooooooo exciting! i'm very very happy for you kendall!! i can't wait to see baby posts with pictures of her and to hear how it's all going. what a joy and relief! i've been waiting and nervously counting down the days with you. but obviously didn't keep that close of an eye on your dates b/c i was totally and completely shocked. congratulations!!!!

Cherie said...

Words can't even express what I am feeling for you both. I am so happy that this day has come for you and that you have your daughter home with you. Blessings as you cherish this time. Can't wait to meet her!!
Cherie

Unknown said...

ps i couldnt help myself and wrote a blog post about/to you on my blog :)
for some reason writing that post made me tear up. maybe because it hit home that you've given birth to peyton. soo happy for you. truly, really am!!
i totally want a full labor and delivery story. all the details :)

kelly ens said...

WOW!!!! She's here! And she is SO beautiful. amazing. i think i re-read this post three times. i am so thrilled to read of Peyton's arrival. FOr whatever reason God chose to take Autumn from you, may you find pure joy in Peyton.
can't wait to hear all the details and see more pictures of your beautiful little girl.

Gus said...

God is good! I am not sure why we doubt it at times, but HE TRULY IS... blessings....

Unknown said...

Your joy overflows to all of us! Prayer does not go unanswered! As I read this Claire sat next to me. Whenever I read your blog the kids know to watch for tears. I was crying and she brought me a tissue. I began to read aloud about how good and faithful our God is. then we had to leave for school. On the way to school Claire tells me that yesterday when she was eating her lunch she felt the urge to pray and thank God for her food and the other things He has given us. Your life has been a witness of Gods faithfulness to my kids too. That means the world to me. I am praying for Peyton to come to know and love the God of the universe. And I praise Him for His perfect timing! I love you.

Julie Cortens said...

Congratulations to you and Kurt from all of us at our house. She is beautiful!

Dianne said...

Congratulations! She is Gorgeous!!!

Hannah said...

So, so happy for you and with you.
Congratulations with your second beautiful daughter.
:)

Carolyn said...

Congratulations!! I am so excited for you guys. It is so amazing how God chose to bring Peyton into your world at the same time as Autumn left. He is definitely showing how faithful He is and that He loves and cares for you guys SOOO much. Enjoy your little baby, which I'm sure you will.

Victoria said...

Oh wow! Congratulations, Manz family :). The Lord indeed is good. I can't wait to hear the story of Peyton's arrival.

Victoria said...

And Peyton is absolutely beautiful!

Allie said...

KENDALL! WOW! You are such a secret-keeper! I was reading the post and I happened to need to scroll down right before I could see the word "Presenting" - and I almost burst into tears! I am so excited for you and Kurt I can't even tell you! We will be praying for you! Isn't God so wonderful!? I am thanking Him right now!!

Love,
Allie

P.S. Can't wait to meet Peyton!!

Chris and Michelle said...

Oh, thank you so much for the beautiful post! I am so happy!

Praising God with you!

Heather said...

Congratulations! She is beautiful - and what a story to tell :)

Anonymous said...

OH! Our God is SO GOOD! I , too, am in tears while reading the great news!
May God continue to bless you all! So very happy for you!

Susan said...

Oh Kendall, praise our God for his kindness and mercy! I am still weeping. I love you guys and can't wait to meet your little girl.
kiss Peyton for me.

Anonymous said...

Kendall, Matt and I are OVERJOYED for you!! We praise God with you for his love, faithfulness, and perfect timing!!!

Anonymous said...

Congrats and God's blessings to you and Kurt and your new little family! God certainly does work in some amazing and mysterious ways!
Tim and Angela Neumann

Anonymous said...

Wow...what a surprise blog entry! Congratulations and best wishes to you all!

Anonymous said...

I have been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers so much! I've never even met you but I was SOOO worried about you. I kept thinking about how you were feeling as the final days of your pregnancy drew near. Peyton is gorgeous! I love the name too. God bless you!

Anissa
Pennsylvania

Megan @ SimplyThrifty said...

Wow! What a surprise! I was crying as I read about the loss of Autumn and then started laughing out loud and crying when I read about Peyton's birth. Congratulations! She is a beautiful child!! God is an amazing God. To Him be the glory! May Peyton bring you great joy for many years to come.

Anonymous said...

Kendall,
I am so excited for you in the birth of Peyton. She is SO precious and beautiful. God bless!
Kathy Goertzen

M or J said...

Kendall!! Yay!! I can't believe how dumb I am - this morning I read your post as I was rushing out the door...and I literally stopped my cursor from scrolling further right after you said, "Only he alone could have arranged it." I left to get to a church thingy and when I saw my sister she was like, "Kendall had her baby!" I couldn't believe how I missed the greatest part of the story. Ha! But anyway...I was so thrilled! I'm so happy for you and it just made my day. What an amazing, out-of-this-world story of God's amazing timing. It's incredible. Praise Him for blessing you in such a cool way!

Holly said...

Congratulations Manz fammily!

I too share the tears of joy as so many have proclaimed above! Rejoicing with you!

love and prayers,
Holly Wadding
Dayton, PA

Anonymous said...

That is so cool!!! Can't wait to read more when you have time to post.
We are excited for your family! Love and prayers,
Wendy in MD

M or J said...

By the way - your daughter is beautiful. Really, I was surprised at her perfect appearance for being a newborn. Usually they're all squished looking but she is simply lovely. I can't wait to watch her grow!

Laura said...

Congratulations! Payton is beautiful. What a blessing to be reminded of how great and powerful and gracious our God really is!

Dianna said...

WOW!! WOW!! You managed to pull that off quite well. What a surprise! A sweet surprise I should add! Congratulations!!!! So, soooo happy for you!!!! As tears fill my eyes I am rejoicing with you

Anonymous said...

You sure pulled one over on us!!! I am SOOOOOOO thrilled for you and praising God with you. I have truly benefited and grown from reading your posts over this past year and it is so wonderful to celebrate God's goodness with you as you welcomed your second child into the family. Peyton is absolutely beautiful and can not wait for more pictures and updates :) Congratulations to you both.

Anonymous said...

Congrats Kendall and Kurt! We are so excited for you. God's timing is truly amazing. Love the name you chose, it is so beautiful as is Peyton. McKinley is sitting on my lap looking at Peyton and saying "bebe" while clapping his hands. I am sure that is what many feel! Looking forward to meeting her!
Mark and Shea

Anonymous said...

Kendall,
Congratulations on your new baby!! I wish I had been here to see you and meet her! I am so happy for all of you!!

xoxoxo
Kris

Unknown said...

Kendall, what a happy surprise for me as I read the LOL blog! How beautiful Peyton is and how happy everyone is for you. Praise be to our God, dear sister.

Norma said...

I didn't realize the significance of the date - but isn't that just amazing. I had hoped to see you and Peyton before leaving for Victoria but I leave tomorrow morning - had a very busy day today, too. Anyway, congrats!! and can't wait to see her on the 5th - BE THERE!! :)

Sarah Robbins said...

Congratulations!!! YEAH! I am so happy for you, and so thankful to God for granting your prayers.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations!! Wow God is good! Its amazing to see how He works. Blessings to you all!
Katrina Funk

Vicki G. said...

Kendall, How wonderful and precious an answer to prayer! I am so very thankful to God for His mercy to you. She's so beautiful! Congratulations!

Anonymous said...

Kurt and Kendall...congratulations! Peyton is beautiful...I'm so happy for you and your family! I was overjoyed to hear of Peyton's arrival from Gord and Lori..thinking of you guys lots! Enjoy these precious times...my baby girl is almost 5..(I still can't believe that!) I can remember her arrival and her beauty as a newborn like it was yesterday. I was so in awe of the miracle of Her!....enjoy these special times and days ahead....
big hugs
Jodi and Breezy in Melfort

Janelle said...

ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm crying!!! you have a baby!!! a baby girl!! exactly one year later...oh God how INCREDIBLE are Your ways!!! oh Kendall.
i love Peyton. she is BEAUTIFUL, she is PERFECT. and she has her big sister watching over her & smiling as you cuddle Peyton & hold her tight - and as you BRING HER HOME.
Kendall, i can't wait to hear the story, and can't wait to see more pictures. Your story is one of true GRACE, and one that no one can stand back & say God is NOT in control, and that HE can NOT move mountains.
we love you guys, we are so happy for you Mommy & Daddy!! give that girlie some cuddles until we can! :)
HUGS HUGS HUGS!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

WOW.....I have no words.....first reading your post with tears of sadness.....and then at the end tears of joy!! You are an amazing, strong family and I am so glad that you have such a BEAUTIFUL reason to smile!! She is ADORABLE and I look forward to seeing more posts and pictures....what a years this has been for you....thanks for the posts & updates....all the love and well wishes to you and your BEAUTIFUL family!!
AMAZING!

Love Roberta Higgins

Christy said...

Congratulations Kendall! She is beautiful and what a faithful God we serve...one year later...that brought tears to my eyes! I can't wait to hear about her arrival into the world!!

Kendra said...

Kendall,
I too have been a lurker for quite a few months. God has used your heart to touch me so many times and your family's trust in him through it all has encouraged my faith. Plus I love to listen to your playlist. When I was reading through your post and came to the "Announcement" my heart lept in my chest with Thankfulness to God for the way he has grown and sustained you through this year and with Joy for you as you celebrate another beautiful daughter. What a testimony to his faithfulness and love! Praying for you and yours!

Lindsay said...

you little sneak! Here I thought I was reading this touching tribute to Autumn and God's faithfulness and then... there's Peyton! CONGRATULATIONS!! I had been watching your blog for news of a baby but you totally surprised me!! Thanks for sharing your journey with us. She is BEAUTIFUL!

The Mom said...

Ohh, what a wonderful gift from our great and loving God! She's beautiful!!

I remember that the hard days of new motherhood were made easier knowing that this little gift is truly a miracle from our Lord! And to this day I love my sweet Alicia more because of the sweet baby I never held, and that's one blessing I can't say I would ever trade.

Enjoy each new moment that comes sweet Mommy!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations Kendall & Kurt! Just looking through your blog.. didn't realize you had your baby yet. She's absolutely beautiful! She is truly a gift from God. God bless you both.

In Christian love,
Audrey Fertuck (from 5100)

Anonymous said...

Wow - what a little beauty you guys have here. God is so good!! Can't wait to meet your little treasure on Sunday! Lots of love!
Pam (for the Goosen clan)

Anonymous said...

Kendall and Kurt
When I heard Sunday morning you had your baby i was so happy for you! She is beautiful
Love
Shawn