Birthday Post

Hey everyone - and thanks so much for your prayers and thoughts on this day. I can't express how much it has meant to have emails and comments from all of you who have supported us through this very difficult year.

It was a pretty low-key day, actually. I thought about her lots - but mostly Kurt and I reflected on how far God has brought us in this past year. We read Psalm 139 this morning and wept as the truth of those verses rang out. He has not left us - we are not alone. And she - despite never taking a breath - was skilfully wrought and miraculously made by Him. It's so good to remember that.

My in-laws and folks came to town and visited Autumn's grave - and we all were amazed that it truly has been one year since that morning when we all gathered at Royal University Hospital to say hello and that last painful goodbye to our firstborn daughter and granddaughter.

I've come to the conclusion that this year was about how our walk with God would grow because of Autumn. Her life and death have touched so many people. There have been times I've hated the fact that it had to be me that lost a child - and then others when the truth of "why not me?" keeps me humble and quietly trusting God. Her moments on this earth were brief. But for us who had to continue on without her - to learn to live when she wasn't here with us... at times this year has seemed endless.

Today I thought about baby steps, and grins and giggles. About what she would have looked like, sounded, acted... and I cried for her.

But the 21st has always been a celebratory day for my heart. It was the day I met her - found out what and who she was... wept over her as a person - came to be a mother. There was sadness - more intense than any I've ever felt - but also fulfillment. Even the 20th - waiting for the induction to work - had so many redeeming points. Prayers, tears, cuddles with Kurt... resolve to stand firm and love the Lord because He loved me first even though my heart was broken.

For me, the darkest day of the entire year was the 19th. That was the day which started so normal and ended with a horror so unreal my mind almost could not comprehend it. I vividly recall the doctor telling us our baby had died, feeling physically like I was going to throw up, and then realizing it was great sobs coming out of my body... phoning my mom and having to say, "Mommy - the baby died." The 19th has been the day I dreaded - knowing that at 2:45 am it would have been one year since the last time I felt her move - live. The bitterness of the 19th in my times of reminiscing has almost overwhelmed the sweetness of the 21st.

And yet, the Lord - in His wisdom and immense compassion - has found a way to turn the 19th of October into a day of great rejoicing in a way that is so all-encompassing there is no doubt He alone could have arranged it.

Announcing:

Peyton Grace Elaine Manz
Born 3:09am, October 19th, 2008
Weight: 7 pounds, 2 ounces
Length: 20 1/2 inches

Coming to the realization that the Lord - on the very day he took my first daughter - has granted me the life of my second has been another reason for me to proclaim His faithfulness. He really has brought us full-circle. The seemingly random occurrences of a baby dying and another living... possibly within one exact year of each other are not coincidence. They are purposed. He gave - and He took... and now He has given us - again - another reason to cling to Him. From here on, the 21st will be Autumn's day, and the 19th with be the day God restored my joy with Peyton's birth.

We mourn Autumn - holding and cuddling Peyton makes us miss her even more. But we look at our new daughter and have hope for the future. Hope is addictive - the more I have, the more I seek. Peyton is my baby of grace... and her name reflects that. I love her so much it hurts at times... and being her mommy - truly thinking about being her mommy - brings tears of thankfulness to my eyes and a sigh of contentment to my heart. I have waited so very long for her - and now she is here with all her littleness and neediness... and I love it! :)

So that was how I spent Autumn's birthday - and SURPRISE for those of you who didn't already know. :) Your prayers over this last year have been - without doubt - the greatest reason I am still functioning.

I'll post again soon with the details of how I (of all people) managed to pull off this amazing stunt without letting the cat out of the bag, and how it all came together. Oh - and more pictures, of course. :)

Thanks so much for reading, everyone... I'm blessed that you want to. Speaking of the little needy one - she's protesting something in the other room so I have to go be a mommy. :)

With love,
kendall