Spring (and Assorted Thoughts about God)

I'm so thankful that the past 5-plus months could be summed up with the word contentment.
This time last year I could not imagine writing that. I feel like I have spent so much of the last 2 years waiting and anticipating the future.

Hurry winter - end!
Hurry spring - move into summer!
Ugh! Summer is so hot and I'm so pregnant - come on fall!

As those last few weeks moved so agonizingly slow towards the hopeful meeting of our daughter I couldn't even let myself imagine the winter to come - let alone seeing the snow melt!

God's faithfulness is pretty obvious in the whole seasonal-change thing. I mean, even though (especially in this part of the world) it seems as though winter will never end spring always eventually comes. The other day we saw Canada geese back. Soon it will be the crows... and then I'll see little green hints on all our trees. And then one day we'll have to turn on the air-conditioner! The joys of sharing all these things with Peyton is exciting. And for the first time in two years, I hope that summer lasts a really long time. :)

I've been reflecting on the fact that although I couldn't have pictured this time, God always knew it would come. Through the darkest valleys and the deepest pits, He knew the time would come when I would lift my eyes heavenward, take a big cleansing breath and announce to all who would listen, "He carried me through!"

I can still see the dark valley's rim behind me - but I don't feel like I'm teetering on the ledge anymore. The sadness over my beautiful Autumn is still there - always at the edges of my joy.
We still have a few pictures up through the house - some favorites - of our first and only day with her. Some days I pause in what I'm doing, sit down in front of them and the tears come as I just wish... to know what she would look like, sound like, feel like - if she would have been more of a cuddler than her sister (who always needs to be looking around), if I'd be having toddler challenges and tea parties and tickle times...

Peyton is not a replacement - but her birth and life are the proof that - like the seasons that change - God has been faithful to me. He was not obligated - I didn't expect her. But she is here and - by His grace - the joy that she gives me is a true joy. When I look at pictures of myself holding her or if we spend time playing in front of the mirror I can see the difference that 5 months of contentment have made in my countenance.
After we lost Autumn the Psalms of sorrow and grief spoke to my soul. I felt forsaken, alone, bruised and broken. I was lonely and incomplete... and the knowledge that the Lord draws near to those kind of emotions was a special comfort and strength. But today my heart cries out "You have restored me, Oh God my salvation!" And the neat part is that having been broken makes the recovery more complete.

It's like always having been thankful for health - then getting cancer. If you make it through surgery, radiation and chemo, endless blood panels and the illness that comes with all of it and hear the doctor say "remission" - the realization that you are "healthy" is never taken for granted again.

I believe with every fiber of my being that all things are from His hand - joys and sorrows. Otherwise He wouldn't be God. If losing Autumn was somehow out of His control then I could justifiably wonder what event He would lose control of next. The comfort would always be questioned and never complete - always wondering "what next?". But for me, knowing He did it made it a given that at some point - in some way - I would make it through the all-consuming pain of lowering my firstborn child into a grave. I didn't - and still don't - know exactly how it all works... but I had confidence that He is faithful and He has a purpose and that I could rest in it. There were days when that was all I could do... my blog is full of those posts which if I sit and read them brings all the heartache rushing back.

Seeing the cardboard testimonies video was further proof. There are others who have suffered so much more pain than me - but the same God carries His children through each trial.

So spring - with birds and mud and weather that seems so warm (but is actually still too cold to open my windows at night) is really proving to be a season of thankfulness for me this year.
Wow - praise God.

Thanks for reading, everyone...
kendall