Still Clinging

A random series of events led me to my own archives this morning. This post jumped out - and brought back both renewed tears, and renewed faith.

Some days I'm not that far from where I was one-month-plus-a-day after Autumn died. But the fact that I am still here - despite the weakness and sorrow - proves how real, faithful and good Jesus is.

Reading that post gave me a glimpse of how deep my grief was. Some of you were total strangers to me and yet you entered into my grief willingly and with whole-hearts. For those of you still continue to grace us with your love and care - thank you. It means more than I can say.

With love,
kendall

The Future?

My little teenager in the making.
(She has her Uncle Cody's iPod.)
The funny thing is that she figured out how to work the thing faster than I did.
Yikes.

I don't even know what to say.

Cue That Paul McCartney Song

"Simplee... haaveeing... a WONDERFUL Christ-mas-time." (repeat!)
--
So I'll be the first to admit that I've done a super-crummy job of posting pretty much since we got back from BC in November. I did have a couple of rough weeks - but by God' s amazing grace, I've not only survived - but thrived. (cliche alert! ;))

I'm anticipating Christmas - time with family, mostly. And I'm so excited for Peyton to open her gifts. Last year was wonderful to have her - but let's face it: 2-month-olds are kinda boring. We just propped her up on a pillow and let her stare at the tree. :)

This year, however, is going to be awesome.

Thank-you, THANK-YOU to everyone who has been praying for us. I was thinking about that the other day as I was driving somewhere. What a gift it is to know that people care enough about us to carry us to God! It comforts me more than I can say.

I picked up a little stuffed puppy for Autumn's grave. If she would have liked puppies half as much as her little sister I think it is appropriate. I'm waiting for a warm enough day that our whole family can visit. Maybe even Christmas day... we'll see.

If I don't post before Christmas: Merry Christmas everyone!
With love,
kendall (and the other two Manzville residents... grin)

And Sings My Soul

Today while walking, this song came up with the perspective I need for life. This past week has been a battle, but God is using a lot of things to remind me of where he's brought me from.
My heart's cry is the chorus...

"Bring The Rain"
Mercy Me

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You?
--
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray,
--
"Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain."
--
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain?
So I pray,
--
"Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain."

*This song is on my list at the side: it's a random cycle - but if you click "forward" enough you'll eventually find it if you want to listen to it.

Home of Ch-ch-ch-champions

I'm so very thankful I don't live in Edmonton. :)

In case the link doesn't work, I'll expand.

Edmonton had the dubious distinction of being the second-coldest place on earth Saturday night. Only 2 degrees below a Siberian outpost. It was -46 Celsius before windchill. Fahrenheit? (Cover your eyes my Arizonan friends) -50.8 degrees.

Seriously? Wow. I don't feel so bad about my -26 today, even if it does feel like -40. You can convert that yourselves with my handy-dandy calculator on the sidebar if you'd like.

Or, if you're reading this within a 100-mile radius, maybe you just don't want to think about it.

:)

Tears

To all those who have been and continue to pray for our family - thank you. The comments and emails have been so good for my heart.

Today the tears came. The timing was strange, though. I was about to get on the treadmill and checked email before I turned on my blog music. The comments poured in - and just reading them, I broke down. I felt my way over to the chair in the corner of our office and wept.

I'm so thankful Kurt was here to hold me... but my tears brought such a sense of relief. The catharsis was almost tangible. I felt I could breath again - deeply and down to my toes - and that has been a challenge as the grief has built up over the past few days. I am thankful to my faithful God... I know I am not alone. I am blessed to have so many carrying me to Him when I feel too weak to do it alone.

I'm not out of this yet - but I am feeling the glimmer of hope. So thank you again.
With love,
kendall

In The Rough

For some reason, this day has felt all wrong.
I'm discontent.
Moody.
Ugh.
I often scoff at the hormone excuse... but I'm in a real battle for happiness... for no apparent reason.

Or - depending on how self-justified I'm feeling - I feel like I have lots of reasons.

I miss Autumn. Worse than it's been in a while.

I got an email today notifying me that someone has subscribed to my YouTube videos. I checked it out, only to find that this person also subscribed to a number of heartbreaking videos from parents with children who had either died, or were sick.
I know - I know better! - that it's not a good idea for me to look at that kind of stuff. Even on a good day, it's an area I have almost no tolerance for. My own grief is magnified in the face of other people's sufferings. The covering on that wound is fragile and soft - easily breached.

And yet I watched. Or linked to blogs and read.
With tears.
I hate suffering. I hate that babies die.

Over 2 years ago, I said goodbye to a daughter I never got a chance to know. And today - reading other people's stories - it's all right here. (pointing to my heart) Heavy, achy grief that sinks down deep.

Like I said: a rough day so far.
I need time with God - but today the Casting Crowns song, "East to West" is speaking to my mood.
"I start the day, the war begins - endless reminding of my sin. And time and time again your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in.
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from you leaving me this way...."
Fighting for joy is hard work. I'm weak.
If you could pray for me, I'd appreciate it.

Timing

It's funny when I reorganize my day because I think Peyton will probably wake up soon - and then she sleeps for another hour-and-a-half. (shaking head with a sigh)

Ha-ha.

Ahhh... Toasty!

I used to mock my mom for this.
(I know - I'm a bad daughter.)
Now Kurt and I eagerly watch the calender with bated anticipation rivaled only by Christmas morning itself...

It's time for the Fireplace Channel (in HD, no less!)!!

(Peyton is pointing and saying, "Hot.")

24 hours a day. 7 days a week.
Yuletide spirit on Star Choice 268...
And a merry Christmas to all 'cause it's free!

B0-yeah.

We literally giggled when it showed up on our TV listings. We were so sad last year when they cut it off after New Year's Day.
Look - the irony of me having a real-live fireplace right beside the tv isn't lost on me, okay? I just like my fires big.
And it's mine (all mine!) to enjoy for a whole month.
Bring on the eggnog and Christmas jingles - this girl's got the spirit!