For some reason, this day has felt all wrong.
I'm discontent.
Moody.
Ugh.
I often scoff at the hormone excuse... but I'm in a real battle for happiness... for no apparent reason.
Or - depending on how self-justified I'm feeling - I feel like I have lots of reasons.
I miss Autumn. Worse than it's been in a while.
I got an email today notifying me that someone has subscribed to my YouTube videos. I checked it out, only to find that this person also subscribed to a number of heartbreaking videos from parents with children who had either died, or were sick.
I know - I know better! - that it's not a good idea for me to look at that kind of stuff. Even on a good day, it's an area I have almost no tolerance for. My own grief is magnified in the face of other people's sufferings. The covering on that wound is fragile and soft - easily breached.
And yet I watched. Or linked to blogs and read.
With tears.
I hate suffering. I hate that babies die.
Over 2 years ago, I said goodbye to a daughter I never got a chance to know. And today - reading other people's stories - it's all right here. (pointing to my heart) Heavy, achy grief that sinks down deep.
Like I said: a rough day so far.
I need time with God - but today the Casting Crowns song, "East to West" is speaking to my mood.
"I start the day, the war begins - endless reminding of my sin. And time and time again your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in.
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from you leaving me this way...."
Fighting for joy is hard work. I'm weak.
If you could pray for me, I'd appreciate it.
12 comments:
2 minutes after posting update:
It's funny (and not in a ha-ha way) how much better I already feel in writing this. It's like I've named my dragon - and now I can fight. (big sigh)I'm glad I have a patient, kind and patient (did I say that already?) Jesus to cling to.
Kendall, I'll be thinking about you today. Its funny how things can hit you from out of the blue sometimes. I remember when I was grieving and sometimes felt so numb and dead inside, I turned to your blog as a way to sort of open up the waterworks. I knew I needed the tears and relating to your story helped me deal with my pain.
remember, God always knows what you need, even if you don't
deanne
Praying for you and hoping that your day continues to improve!
Praying for you, Kendall! I know what you mean about how it helps to write things out--I always feel sheepish after writing a post relating any emotional difficulties I might be having, because almost always (almost) my day takes a turn for the brighter as soon as I hit "post" and then I think about all those people reading it and feeling sorry for me, when in reality I am feeling completely differently!
All the same, I will continue to pray, because I'd imagine something like this is always easier fought with friends.
God is AMAZING isn't He? Look at how He is working on your heart. Look at the people who pray for you today and in the past. Pain is just that..PAIN. But for you (because you're a believer) there is much purpose in your pain. I don't have the answers to THE question.."why?" but I know that He does and that all we need do is trust in His goodness in allowing us to feel pain - the pain that drives us to Him! I love you and am praying that the pain you felt (or still feel) will bring you closer to Him now just as it did when the sting was red hot.
Will you update as you begin to feel His peaceful, comforting presence?? I need to hear that stuff..got some pain of my own goin' on.
Kendall- Today was tough for me as well; I miss not having my baby. Its weird how fast I can go back to that day when I first learned that she was gone and be in that moment again. It's as if time hasn't healed at all, and yet, it has. I have way more good days than bad days. It's good to remember that the Lord has been good in the midst of my loss.
Even though you said you named your dragon and feel better, I'll still pray for you.
Praying!
Praying for you.
I'm glad that your day got better, and I hope the weekend is full of peaceful thoughts..
Praying for you today Kendall. Hope you have a warm cozy day watching that fireplace channel :P
I will be praying for you, Kendall.
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