Discoveries

At the risk of categorizing myself as a totally vain girl (especially with last post's frivolous materials) I'm going to write a quick note about two very important discoveries.

1) I've bought my first pair of post-pregnancy (non-maternity) jeans... and they fit nice and loose! :) I've been plagued by the fear that I would never find anything to fit my lower regions - since that is where most of my pregnancy weight is sitting. I think (and Kurt says) it is coming off - but dangit! Could it be any slower? Anyway, I didn't spend a fortune because WalMart (forgive me for my hesitancy to go there earlier) happens to have a new fit that works with my dimensions. Wow. I'm very happy.

2) I've discovered a cosmetic product that actually lives up to it's claims. (Men have permission to scroll past this one.) Ready? Cover Girl Lash Exact. You know the one where Queen Latifah gets out of the limo and shakes her head at the girl's clumpy lashes? She goes on to say it is some patented brush... yada, yada, yada? Anyway - yeah - it works. I am a true Mary Kay loyalist - but I have to give credit where it's due... and that stuff does not clump.

Enough with the frivolity, and on to a more serious matter.

I received a comment from a lady telling me about how she was struggling with her baby girl's death. She told me that it was worse now than when it originally happened, and ended by saying, "Maybe I should have more faith?"
I understand your wish to remain anonymous. I hope you do not feel that I have been too specific in stating your struggles... but I really wanted to reach back to you and I think this is the only way I can reply. I'm am so sorry for your loss. I think you know that I don't mean that tritely - and I understand everything you wrote.
You said that it seems harder than it was... sometimes I think shock is a gift - if we truly felt everything at the time it happened none of us would rise above it. If you've read the blog at any length I hope you've seen that you're not alone in your grief. I've had so many struggles - and I continue to. There are times I wish I could just be done with the grief - and yet I realize that the grief over Autumn is what continues to make her real. We don't mourn people or things that never existed... and our babies did. We felt them move, we dreamed about them, we named them. I told another friend who has lost a baby that for us who have lost our daughters, 2007 belongs to them. In our memories - in our histories - this year was the year where we hoped for them. It feels like each month there is another new one. I wonder each day what she would look like, or how she would sound, or how strong she would be...
I wish I could explain that my faith isn't of myself. I really am not strong enough to pull myself out of this grief. I feel so sheepish if people compliment me on how well I'm doing... because truly I am clinging to God. I cling because I know He is strong. It isn't just faith for "faith's sake"... it is because I believe that there is a God who cares, understands and is very gentle. I have to remind myself so often. Somehow... I'm not sure of why, exactly... that soothes my heart even when my own willpower can't just pull me out of it. (Which is pretty often.) My faith has an object - Jesus.
I do understand your struggles to have joy - because that is my struggle, too. I understand wondering why things have happened - because I do too. I am, in no way coming down on you for the things you expressed to me - but I just want to encourage you to keep looking. It's okay to hurt, but by God's grace, I am trying to turn my eyes to Him. That's all. I know that the God of the bible reveals Himself as gracious, compassionate, upholding the brokenhearted.
Dear friend - I know what you feel like. What it feels like to wonder why your broken heart keeps beating. What it feels like to desperately want another child. What it feels like to fear for the future.
I will pray for you. If you'd like to talk anymore, please send me an email (the link is under the heading "Information about..." (click my name)) I would love to hear from you... and again, I hope you don't think I'm judging you for any 'lack', or anything else that is "bad"! :) You're not alone in this. I hope that maybe I've encouraged you a little - because even in my trying to encourage you, I've encouraged myself. Thank you for your comments... I really appreciated them. :)

As for the rest of you... have a good day! :)