"A Letter From Your Daddy"

I debated putting this up on the blog - but I've decided to after all.
So many of my thoughts have been revealed to people... my griefs, fears, angers... but there is another person grieving Autumn more than anyone else - and that is my husband.
I - as I have mentioned before - am making a scrapbook to commemorate the day we had with Autumn as well as the events leading up to her birth. Since journaling is the most important part of memory keeping, I asked Kurt if he would be willing to write something out for me. He said yes - but I left it at that - not wanting to pressure him since it was sure to be an emotional experience.
Christmas morning, he gave me a card with some wonderful words (made me cry) and a letter inside that was simply labeled, "Something for the scrapbook."

I'm going to put it in the blog for 4 reasons:
1) It shows how much Kurt loves his baby girl.
2) It reveals to those who read this that our grief truly is shared.
3) He said it was my letter to do with as I wish. :)
4) I believe it honors him and shows his Christlike gentleness. He is truly my "chief among ten-thousand" and I am so humbled to walk on this earth beside him... I want others to know how I feel about him.

I love you, Kurt - and I hardly remember a time that I didn't. My love for you as as much a part of me as my own name... and I'm so thankful God choose you for me. The letter you wrote for Autumn (and me) exceeded my expectations and delighted me even as it brought tears to my eyes. There is no one else on earth I would rather share this life with it's highs and lows with than you. And that is the truth.
Thank you for being a faithful friend, a compassionate, loving and gentle husband, and a daddy to our daughter. I pray the Lord gives me enough years to show you how crazy-in-love I am with you.
Your Kendall xxxooo

--

December 24,2007

A Letter from Your Daddy

Dear Autumn,
This letter is very hard for me to write to you, not because I do not know what to say, but because I know you will never be able to read it. In so many ways you were our dream come true, the fulfillment of our unspoken expectations … a beautiful baby girl. With your soft dark hair, your chubby cheeks, your button nose, the detailed lines on your hands … you were all together lovely in both your mommy’s and my sight. You were perfect, sweetie. As each day drew us closer to your birth date, our anticipation grew and our preparedness became more visible. Your nursery, with crib, bassinet and change table was assembled … blankets, diapers, and wipes filled the drawers … we had your coming home outfit pick out (you were going to dressed up in white while being wrapped up in blankets that your Nana and Gramma made for you) … and most important of all, your mommy and daddy’s hearts had grown bigger so that when you came, you wouldn’t take away the love between your mommy and daddy but that you would be added into our love. We were so ready for you, Autumn, except that God took you before we even knew you. Coming to the realization that no matter how long we wait, we will never hear your loud hungry cries or see your beautiful eyes look up, has been really hard on both your mommy and I. The mornings when I wake up and sit in the brown chair with Oscar (you would have really liked him) is when I remember you the most, because that would have been daddy and Autumn’s time together. I miss you so much, my little girl. And before I finish, I just wanted you to know, that even in your death, I tried my best to take care of you … cutting your umbilical cord, kissing your soft cheeks, changing your full diaper, handing you gently back to the nurse, and making sure you were let down carefully into your grave. I am so thankful to God that He gave you to us for nine months … I only wish that it wasn’t just for nine months. I love you sweetie,

Love Always,

Your Daddy xxxx oooo