Storms

I'm convicted of how horribly impatient I am.
The problem with impatience? It can kill the enjoyment of what is now.
And when the enjoyment of now is gone - it is easy to worry that what I really want will never come - or be taken away from me.

Practically trusting God is realizing:
a) Nothing in His big-picture plan is going to change
b) Everything is happening just as it should - exactly when it should.
c) Worry changes nothing.

I was reading Matthew today: had a few holy and yet gentle slaps.
Jesus sleeping in the boat - his disciples are panicking as the storm gets worse. His simple and pointed response when they wake him up? "Oh you of little faith - why are you afraid?"
Hmmm... this kind of reply from a human who is as impotent as me in the face of creation's fury would garner an eye-roll and an irritated huff."Why am I afraid?Oh, I dunno.... Because there are huge waves! Because there is lightning sizzling overhead! Because we're in the middle of a big stinkin' sea and we have no life jackets!"
But the beauty of Jesus' reply is that he controls the wind and the waves. He's not being sarcastic or unkind - he's just reminding them of the truth. He's absolutely not going to let anything happen to them - yet - because He has a plan that will be worked out for all of them. It's not faith in anything other than who He is.

In my case there are so many "because" factors when it comes to justifying my fears (at least from my perspective). One of those fears is that his plan for me will include more heartbreak - and that next time it could hurt even more than it did when our firstborn died.
Maybe it will. In fact, I should probably plan on having more things disappoint me for the duration of my stay on earth - it is, after all - not heaven.

But - as a human- I want to know what things I might lose. I tell myself (foolishly) that being able to be prepared beforehand would make another loss bearable. When we were talking the other day about this baby, Kurt phrased it perfectly. "I wouldn't even mind waiting if I knew things would turn out in the end." It's the unknowns - having to sit powerless and helpless as circumstances work themselves out for us to observe and live in - that drive us crazy and cause us anxiety.

My fear - when broken down and examined at it's root level - says so many things about what I think of God. And it isn't' good stuff. It says He's unstable. Less trustworthy than myself. It says that my plans are the best. It says that knowing He has a plan isn't good enough for me. It says that He isn't satisfying enough - that I would get more satisfaction from my circumstances working out to my liking.

See - that's always the danger, isn't it? I love the gifts he has given me - but there is always that pull to cling to them as though I alone have achieved them and maintain them. And that is both the blessing and hardship of being a Christian: to love the Giver more than the gifts - especially when he has taken what seemed to be my most precious possession.

But - almost 11 months later - the truth is there to be examined in depth if I will only stop and look. He has held me. Loved me. Caused me to love Him more than I ever could have before.
He has taught me that the end of fear is just that - fear. It accomplishes nothing short of it's own mass reproduction.

But the end of trust... where do I start that list?
Hope.
Joy.
Peace (incomprehensible peace).
Stillness.
Anticipation of the future.
Embracing of my powerlessness - and waiting to see what He does.
Knowing this baby's life is as secure as any on earth - including mine and Kurt's.

The thing about the Matthew passage: the disciples were in a real deluge - it wasn't just their imaginations. But - boy oh boy! - they had the right Man in their boat! :)
And in my storm, Jesus - strong, compassionate and powerful - has me sitting snugly beside Him in His boat, and on His sea. He holds my cheeks, trains my eyes on Him alone, and asks gently, "Have I let you drown before? Do not fear, my little one - I control every storm."

So although I am impatient - so indescribably anxious to hold our little girl and smell her baby skin and love her from head to toe - I can give even that emotion back to God. I can face uncertainty because it isn't uncertain for Him.

It will work out in His timing - the best way possible. And it will be good for me.
Hasn't everything so far?