Some Journaling

So, (as you can see) the majority of the past week was spent scrapbooking the prenatal shots. I tried to choose pictures that showed how deep the emotion went. The joy, the anticipation... and thus the total shock when we found out she had died. As unreal as it seemed on the day we took these pictures, the fact that my daughter was gone became my reality in a matter of minutes two months later. But I still need to remember how it felt to hope.

I sit in the office with my blog music playing in the background as I sort through these pictures, and often find myself pausing, remembering and finding tears pooling in my eyes in a way that hasn't happened in a few months. It's painful - but with the words of the songs I love constantly serving as a reminder - I cannot drop into despair or hopelessness. And the grief - while still present because she isn't - is now like a backdrop to my days versus the main-stage feature it was for so very long.

I've moved now more into the actual birthday photos (as in the first post) and I'm trying to capture exactly what my feelings were. I've done lots of journaling - some freehand, some borrowed from this oh-so-handy blog. I'm not sure if that kind of stuff will actually "interest" anyone - but I find myself almost belligerent about capturing my memories. For better or for worse - that was our only day with her. I need to remember - and to make sure I won't forget as time and more children come.

In response to your comment about pictures/albums, Hannah - the fact of the matter is that I'm not sure who will see this album. Some of it feels so private - and yet there is part of me - as a mommy - that wants to take out a book and show the world. "This was my baby girl - she was very, very real to me." I'm working through it as I go. :)

BTW: in the original post ("A Snapshot") I've added the second of the two page spread. So you can go and take a look if you like. For ease of movement, just click the link and it'll take you right there. :)