I miss Autumn so much. It's almost physical... and that is hard to be distracted from. Tomorrow she would be 3 weeks old.
I cry because I just hurt deep, deep inside - and I can't trace the root to any one cause other than her being gone and all the hopes and dreams that died with her. Sometimes the trigger is the nursery. Sometimes it is seeing other babies. Sometimes it is remembering how exciting it was to be in various stages of the pregnancy: first heartbeat, first kicks, first ultrasound... the list goes on. Sometimes there is no specific trigger: it just hits me that our daughter died - and the shock is as real and immediate as it was when the doctor told us that her heart had stopped.
I treasure - so much more than words can say - when others say her name. We agonized over finding the right name - and it was perfect for her... but it breaks my heart that it is, and will continue to be, a name spoken in the past-tense.
I am trying so hard to fight - to continue to trust the Lord. But oh - that battle feels as though it is uphill at times!
I am so thankful that I want to think rightly... I know how easy it would be to give myself over to despair at times. Despair is such a natural instinct, I'm finding. But God gives me the desire - and the strength - to have hope. The tunnel always has the light shining. The hand that holds me is always visible. The blessings amidst all this are innumerable.
I know that I have not cornered the market on suffering. Others have suffered equally - and many have suffered much, much more. Remembering that helps to battle. I'm so thankful for our friends. I'm so very thankful for my mother. :)
Prayer has become so-much more valuable to me over the last 3 weeks. Not so much because of the action itself - but because of the One that I know it goes before. If you are praying for me - thank you for carrying me to Jesus!
He will heal this broken heart. His timing is best. His methods are best. He is good and does good.
I cling to these truths with all my strength - but He uses your prayers to give me more.
5 comments:
It can be no coincidence that Autumn's middle initials (E.L.) may signify Eternal Life for... in every event -Christmas, Anniversaries, Easters --- and ...in every moment, she will be there in the hearts, minds, and spirits of all who believe. Autumn's existence has touched so many. Kendall, you and Kurt are being heard and we continue to pray for you both. May you find some peace and comfort knowing this.
Blessings,
Tannis in Melfort
Kendall - It's been four years since we buried my precious little neice, and the same four years since my little one was lost just weeks after conception. I can not understand your exact pain, but I know well how it sneaks up on you, in the strangest moments. I know what it is to hold one in love that has lost a little one, and has the body that proves that she carried the little one in the first place. Four years later, we still have her momentos, her photos, and our precious memories. There are still moments I am caught and the tears come unbidden, and those moments I am grateful for because they take me back to Daddy God in a way that it seems only grief can. That absolute emptiness that only He can fill. I admire your strength and tenacity, and acknowledge that it feels like a fraud to you at times. You are strong enough, through Him, to make it through this journey. Let the tears fall, she was and is real. She was and is yours. You are a mommy, and her death will never change that. Don't let anyone tell you differently. I'm praying for you, across the miles. I wish there was some way to ease the ache in your heart, the physical longing for the little girl you dreamed of. You are loved. Your faith is strong. Lean on that man you married, and your mother, and anyone else strong enough to be there as a pillar of strength. Be grateful for the tears they cry with you, it takes an amazing amount of strength to share tears. In love, Ally
"Sometimes it's hard, sometimes I cry. Sometimes my heart wants to know why? But Your yoke is easy and Your burden is light, And though my heart is aching, and there're tears in my eyes
Whatever my lot, You have taught to know, It is well, it is well with my soul.
You have reached down to me, You have rescued me. And have shed Your blood for my soul. And I live now knowing that the sky. And not the grave will be my goal. And just as in life, also in death. This truth will comfort and console. That soon I will see Your face. And hear Your voice and know that it is well.
But please hold my hand, Lord, and hold on tight, 'Cause the road here is narrow. Yes, the road here is narrow.
Whatever my lot, You have taught to know, It is well, it is well with my soul."
Well With my Soul - Brenton Brown/Daniel Ornellas
Hi again Kurt and Kendall...
I am pretty much checking your blog daily and I'm not sure exactly why (since I don't know you), other than I do hurt with you (as everyone else does), and rejoice that God has chosen to refine you both through this trial. You have already seen how He has grown you, and that process will continue for the rest of your lives.
This is really for Kurt... brother, I know what it's like to be there, in trying your best to be the "rock" for your wife (my wife had a miscarriage 2 years ago). I do hope that you've been able to take sufficient time to grieve yourself.
I also remember how helpless I felt that first night home... wanting so DESPERATELY to "be there" for my wife, when all she wanted to do was be left alone and cry herself to sleep. So I left her alone, as I prayed through tears that night. It was so very hard to hear her sob.
I'm sure you've already witnessed this, but it really took that night to make me realize a couple of things... 1) the Lord is the true source of comfort and strength, not me (as basic as that truth is, I didn't quite grasp that at first during that time), and 2) it was OK for me to grieve and weep... and weep a lot. True strength is found in those weak moments when our loving Father reminds us that He is truly in control and knows what we are going through.
Be encouraged that you both have been such a testimony of God's grace. I'm sure that Autumn is proud to be a part of your family history. In her short time on earth she taught you and so many others so much. Lessons that you would not have otherwise learned. Profound lessons.
And praise God for that.
For His Glory,
Rick
Hi Kendall:
Thanks for sharing your heart and was thinking of our little "Autumn's" footprints as a read this poem today.
"Some children come into our lives and go quickly,
Some children come into our lives and stay awhile.
All our children come into our lives and leave footprints -
Some oh so small;
Some a little larger;
Some, larger still,
But all have left their footprints on our lives; in our hearts,
And we will never, never be the same"
By Doreen Sexton
Love and prayers,
Mom/Dad Manz
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