2) I've been thinking about her kicks. In particular, how the specific memory of them is fading. I can no longer feel them - or expect to feel them - when I put my hand to my stomach. Tomorrow it will be November 15th - one month past her due date. On Monday it will be a month since she died - and a month since I felt her. Next Wednesday she would have been one month old. I grieve these things, but I trust that God will fill these voids as time moves on.
3) I used to always wonder that when the rubber met the road (whether through death, or Christ's return) if I was really believing... or if God would look upon me and say, "You never really loved me - just what I could do for you." After all this: I know I love the Lord more than anything. He, alone, in His goodness is getting me through. The trial is from Him - but so are the blessings of family, friends, my husband - and even our goofy dog (who even as I write I can hear snoring at the other end of the house... lol!). In fact, "the end", whatever it looks like, is no longer an anxiety-causing event. I look forward to kissing the hands that bled for me - and having Him wipe the tears from my eyes forever.
3) Psalm 119 says a lot about suffering. It uses the word "affliction" or "afflicted" a lot. That word really jumps out at me now - with a totally different meaning than it used to have. This helps in two ways. The first is that I know that others have suffered in the Lord over the ages... we're not alone - and our Lord is very experienced in holding His own through the valleys. The second is the confidence in knowing that suffering has a purpose: "I know, O Lord, that your rules are righteous, and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me." (vs 75) and "It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes." (vs 71). The writer is not saying these things under duress: he knows - as I am learning - that there is so much value in knowing God that even if it takes affliction to drive me to His arms... that His arms are still the best place to be. It boggles the mind to have such comfort in pain... and yet it is no longer a theory to me - it's a reality.
4) At times there can be such a sense of disbelief: Was I really pregnant? Did a baby really grow inside me - let alone come out of me? I said to Kurt the other day, "How did we go from "just about there" back to "wait and see" so quickly?" We were almost parents - functioning parents... but there is no word to identify people who have lost a child. I told my dad it is like being a bride whose husband dies on the wedding night: technically a widow... but never actually "married" with all the fullness that word implies. I am so thankful for the pictures - like the one below - that remind me that Autumn was real. So many of you have also reminded me that yes - I am a mommy and Kurt is a daddy. We were so proud of her... just see the look on his face? I am so blessed to have this man with his tender heart and love for his daughter...
5) We got the bush pushed at the farm for our future driveway. This is very exciting for us! It means that life has not ground to a horrible stop. We will move on, our lives will still progress. We can make plans, and undertake them... and since the driveway was the most stressful thing for Kurt - he feels quite liberated and relieved that it is now ready to be built. :) No pictures yet, though - as it was done by dark yesterday and we had no time to take them this morning. Sorry, Lori! :)
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