Valley Walking

It's one of those posts....

To be honest, I've been struggling a little bit since getting home. The trip was a great distraction... I looked forward to it for a long time - but now its over. This reaction to getting home has been a tad delayed - what with going to the farm for a couple of days... but it's back with vigor. And it's Monday... which everyone knows is the most depressing day of the week, anyway. (chuckle)

For example - there have been times in the past few weeks and months where I have looked at her picture and intellectually known she was my baby... I'm sad - but not overtaken with it.

Lately, I've looked at her picture and all the memories come flooding back. Feeling her move, hoping she was a girl, washing her baby clothes and putting them in her dresser... (none of which I have removed yet, by the way.)

I look at my life now, and think, "How did I get here?" How did I end up on maternity leave, with extra weight, and stretch marks - and no baby? How did my house end up with a brightly decorated baby room - and no little girl to rock to sleep in the chair we so painstakingly picked out?

It's frustrating. Frustrating... and so, so sad.

We went on a date the other night - decided to watch PS: I Love You on the recommendation of a friend (thanks, Cherie!).

We really enjoyed it - but there is so much in that movie that hit close to home. Grief. Seeing your friends and family move on and wondering how that happens when your life is stuck. I told Kurt it feels like I fell off the merry-go-round, and now I'm watching everyone else spin around and am waiting - hoping - for my chance to get back on. To get on with life.

It's so strange. I'm happy for others - joyful, even. :) But I am so uncertain about my own future. I'm almost afraid to have hopes and dreams... for fear that my heart will be broken again. The "what ifs" can be paralyzing - and suck the joy and life out of me before I even realize it is happening. It's too easy to not to trust God - too easy to feel like He's lost control - or stopped caring. When those feelings arise I run to Him... because if they take over I am truly without hope.

Some days the desire to move on feels like a betrayal of Autumn. As though this phase of my life: her creation, growth, movement, death, birth, burial - the grief - is what my experience with her is summed up to. And, yet I can't wait to move on. It's so hard. How do I balance the war in my heart and head? How do I remember my little girl without the grief tainting the joy? How can I think of having another baby when all I really want is her? Just her.

In Arizona we found out that God won't be giving us a baby in October. I've told a few people this, but I had pinned so much of my hope for the future with my desire to have a baby in my arms on her birthday. "Then", I thought, "then, I'll be able to handle the one year anniversary..." but the Lord is not yet done teaching me what I can, despite my fears, handle by His strength.

And that, I guess, is what my heart is clinging to - yet again. The Lord is still on His throne. He still loves me. He will always do what is best for me. Jesus died on a cross so that this life would not be "all", for me. This valley feels so deep at times... and there are times I feel totally alone. But, by His grace, I look heavenward and remember that He does all things well. He comforts the brokenhearted. He was brokenhearted - a man of sorrow! He will, one day, wipe every tear from my eye. Some days it feels like that will keep Him very busy! (small chuckle) He is not disciplining me, or laughing at my expense. This is just what is best.

If you are so inclined - I would really appreciate your prayers this week. On Friday, it will be one year since we found out we were expecting her.

I have to shake my head when I remember... because I want to scream at the Kendall of February 15th, 2007, "Don't hope! Don't be excited! Don't dream about her!"

But then I take a step back and remember the blessings and joy that the pregnancy brought about. The Lord planned this for us. I have to be honest with myself about those emotions - to walk through them - but not be overtaken by them. So hard - but so worth it.

Her death has had such an impact on others - I know that. Would I take that away? I love the Lord more because of this. He sustains me - Jesus is real to me. This, also, is a place I would not have been had this never happened. This is true.

Nevertheless, Friday might be kinda difficult. I could use the support... (small smile)

PS: As I was finishing this post Kurt started the central vacuum downstairs (cleaning the furnace filter because of an odd, burning kind of smell...). Oscar ran into the office to protect me. Or vise verse. (lol) His hackles are up, and he's staring at the door as though Genghis Khan were about to walk through it. The Lord is gracious to give me a smile. :)

Thanks - again - for reading, everyone.