One Month, One Day (A Letter to My Daughter)

Dear Autumn,

Although yesterday would have been your one-month birthday, today is one month, to the day, that I started to live life after you left us. When I woke up on the morning of October 22^nd, there was a new way of existing different from what I have ever experienced and certainly never imagined all those months you were part of me. (Even after we found out that you had died you were still inside me.) But after you were born, and we cried the last tears that would fall on your pretty face, we said our last goodbye and we left you there. We came home, I blogged and your daddy fell asleep in his chair (your parents are nothing if not predictable… chuckle) and then we went to bed. One month later I woke up wondering, “How did we do that?” How did your daddy and I give you one last cuddle, one last kiss, hand your tiny body to the nurse, and then leave without you?

You were such a special gift! But the Lord, in His complete sovereignty, has taken you out of my hands for the duration of my earthy existence. I find my fingers daily wanting to curl around you again through a lack of trust in Him. Like a young child can squash the butterfly in her eagerness to preserve the delight of holding it - allowing the pain of loss to rule me would mean that the sweetness of you would be crushed. The true value of a gift is in knowing and treasuring the Giver. The true value of you, my sweet girl, is that you daily point me back to Him. I have no doubt that He could have spared you – could have pointed me to Him through your life… but I also know without a doubt that had that been best it would have happened.

And so daily I cry out to my Savior to help me to uncurl my fingers from your memories. To let go of envy, and self-pity, and despair and hold you with an open palm – amazed at the value of what I see, but not so fixated on what I perceive I lack that I destroy your beauty and undervalue the One who lifts my head, dries my heart’s tears and promises, “Someday you will understand.” It seemed unfair that Jesus was murdered, too… and yet I know that His death – His willing release of His life and relationship with His Father - secured my future. How amazing that He has hand-picked this for us, and given us opportunity to prove Him trustworthy...

Your daddy told me today that each morning he wakes up and remembers how he planned to spend his mornings: you in one arm and a bible in the other. He is so dear to my heart, and I love him so much. He doesn’t cry as often anymore, but there is a maturity in Him that God has brought about with loss – he always misses you, sweetheart. I would have loved to see you together – to develop the relationship that little girls and their daddies have! I, for one, know how special that relationship is. :) Your Papa is a special man, too. You would have learned so much from him, and in some ways, he could have had a “little Kendall” back again through you. Both these strong, wonderful men loved you so much, and the Lord knows how it breaks my heart to not have you be a daily part of our family.

But something else that I remembered this morning was that God has finally given me that which I pleaded years for: more love for Jesus. Just as you, my precious baby girl, would have learned to love your daddy and me as a result of your complete and total dependence – so I have learned with Jesus.

The strange part is that unlike you, who would have learned it from the start, He has taught me this many years after I first started following Him. He has gently taken from me that which is most precious and brought me to a point when even my basic functioning seems like an overwhelming task – and has then shown Himself to be more than able to carry me.

I can no longer be independent in my plans, goals and desires. I am learning that even when I did not see His worth, He never left me – or I would not be standing today. This knowledge gives me security even facing an uncertain future. I trust Him because even in the hardest trial I have ever gone through, He has quieted my heart with the promise that I am loved and valued by the God who holds atoms together. And while I may have been tempted to doubt His love for me in the past – whether through things not going my way, or because I felt I had ‘messed up’ – I believe it with all my heart now. How could I have gone through this without Him? I praise Jesus that He took my sin upon Himself at the cross and made the love of the Father accessible. The life I now live – and will live in the future - I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me. Strange how faith totally trumps logic because of Whom it is based in rather than what I understand...

The value of that lesson cannot be measured in earthly terms. Do I love Him yet as I ought? Not even close. But I want to. And you, my sweet, precious baby, have taught me that. I would have gladly given my life for you, Autumn. But, in so many ways, your life was given that I might live more fully. I am both honored and humbled. With tears, I thank the Lord for you, sweetheart.

I love you forever,
Mommy