My day started with a sleep-in.
I know, I know... the ladies with little ones are squinting their eyes trying to remember what that word means. (chuckle) I wish for what you have, but truly, I wish for it without envy or bitterness. :) I praise God for this fact.
So I spent time this morning praying for everyone I know who has little ones. For patience, for love, for gentleness, for happiness... for gratefulness even in hard-things like tantrums, short naps, really dirty diapers and yes - even the lack of sleep-ins. :) I would give the few extra hours of sleep to have Autumn. But God has changed my perspective on so many things... so that even that 'wish' doesn't consume me all the time. I can only hope others will be praying for me the same as a "new" mother someday... and that I will remember this when my colicky baby cries for 6-months straight. (chuckle)
Kurt had to go to a work-thing this morning... but before he left he told me, "I had a dream about Autumn last night." I had to laugh as I not only perked right up, but asked a bunch of questions.
Me: "How old was she?"
Kurt: "A 2 or 3 year old... talking to her great-grandparents saying goodnight or something and giving them kisses."
Me: "What did she sound like?"
Kurt: "Cute... she couldn't really pronounce all her words - but she was trying hard. She couldn't pronounce "Great-Gramma" very well - but she could get out "Oma and Opa"."
Me:"Awww... so what did she look like?"
Kurt: "Light-colored hair, chubby cheeks, and big blue eyes with dark eyelashes - like her mommy."
(... so I have chubby cheeks?) ;)
Funny how I craved news of her, isn't it? Even though it was just a dream, I wanted every detail... and since Kurt never dreams (or at least remembers them) I was so thankful that he remembered so many details.
That little girl has such a hold on my heart... and I knew this morning that even if I never have another child - I am a mother. :)
I want to thank Pattie for her comments on the last post. I so appreciate your opening up and reaching out to us. Your words are both heart-wrenching because I know you understand the feelings we're going through, and encouraging because I know you've moved through what seems for me to be a long, hard journey. Thank you. :)
2 comments:
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us!
My aunt sent me a link to your site, even before precious Autumn had been born.
Three years ago, this past September, I lost my dear little boy, Job. I knew 10 weeks into the pregnancy that he had a neural tube defect, called anencephaly, and that he was not expected to live. He was born by c-section at 36 weeks and he died seven hours after he was born.
Although I cannot imagine the loss you and your husband are feeling, I do understand what it is like to go home empty-handed and to have that ache and that feeling that someone is missing. My heart aches for your loss. And I wanted you to know that with time, the ache will ease. It is still there in a way, but it softens - for lack of a better word. Our babies are forever a part of us and our stories. Autumn will always be a wonderful part of your family. The longing to see her will be there, you remember each birthday, and on holidays you think of her and you will know that she is not there, and you wish you could see her and hold her... But it does get easier! And Pattie was right when she said you are eventually able to smile when thinking of them and you are able to think of them without crying. And even though there is a huge loss, what joy to know that our little ones are in the arms of Jesus! They are safe from all hurt, and all they will ever know is joy and peace! And we can know that one day soon we will see them, again. I know that after my son died, I had a longing for heaven that I had never experienced before!
I am praying for you and your husband. I wish that I could give you a great big hug and weep with you...
Please know that you are thought of lovingly by so many, and that prayers are being said on your behalf!
Thank you, again, for sharing your loss with all of us. And in a way, putting words to our grief, too. That is not always an easy thing to communicate, or to put into words.
God bless you and your family! I praise Him for giving you grace during this trial, and time of suffering, and for giving you the ability to point others to Him and to share your Hope with others who may be hurting!!
I love you,
Heather.
Kendall,
First, I want to thank you for praying for me. As a mom I could relate to you during preganancy. Feeling the kicks and watching your body change but being ok with it because of the sweet little child inside. (That's your first act of service as a mom - well, 2nd if you count nausia) I watched the daily counter on your blog. I laughed with you knowing what you were looking forward to - and remembering back to it. And the whole time I was encouraged to love my kids more. I was praying for you even then. Then when you shared the news about Autumn's death I sympathized. I wept. I went and hugged my kids and I thanked God for letting them live. And I prayed for you. And now, a month later I am encouraged every time I read your blog to love my kids TODAY. I hope you dan't take this wrong but your loss has been a gift to me. You have taught me so much about loving God when it's hard, and about God's grace and faithfulness to his children, and about the precious job of mothering. Please don't ever stop blogging. I don't think I could do without your encouragement! I love you so much. Some day we should meet. Maybe at an IDS conference or something. :) I'm praying for you, sister. Our God is so good. Oh, and with Thanksgiving coming you should know, I'm thankful for the Manz family (Kurt, Kendall, Autumn, and Oscar) and for how beautiful God has shown himself to be through you!!!
Post a Comment