Sometimes I walk into the nursery and can imagine picking up our baby after her nap. Without even thinking about it too much, I can hear her baby sounds and feel her soft skin and tiny fingers. These are the imaginings that people tried to warn me about... and they're bittersweet.
Sometimes I look at the change table and can giggle imagining Kurt trying to change diapers.
Sometimes the same thought brings tears to my eyes - because I know what delight he would take in that less-than-attractive task.
Sometimes I can imagine going back to work and bursting into tears the first baby-girl I see cuddling with her mommy...
... and sometimes I can picture seeing it and smiling with only a little misty-eyed wistfulness.
Sometimes I find myself enjoying the quiet... and then wish it was filled with the sounds of a crying baby girl.
Sometimes it surprises me how lonely I get for a little girl who never had a day-to-day impact on my life. But then it doesn't because she was part of me for so long. My life sustained hers.
Sometimes I look at her picture and know - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that she is our child. Other times I wonder it it was real - any of it. The pregnancy, the induction, the labor... and most especially her death.
Because if it was just a dream, or a sad movie or book - then I could get up, and walk away thinking of the sorrow as belonging to someone else. "So sad", I would think. "But thankfully not mine."
But then I remember how it felt when the doctor told us her heart wasn't beating anymore. How my stomach dropped, and the air froze in my lungs, and the way my ears starting ringing - and how my husband's hand tightened on mine, and I heard his breathing change as the sob started... I have to own it. And owning it is hard. There is no walking away. There is no forgetting. It isn't a story. It is real... and it happened to Kurt and I one month ago today.
And sometimes I remember how it is in this valley that I have come to know Jesus more. Can the value of that be measured? Can the security that comes from knowing He holds me be traded?
These "sometimes" give me more to pray about - and more ways for God to show Himself strong and sufficient for such a fragile woman with such feeble faith. He won't get tired of caring for me... and I thank Him for it.
6 comments:
Praying for you tonight!
Praying for your continued strengths as you are challenged to accept this passage of time. and hoping you can enjoy moments of peace when you can.
Melissa and Ward
It is so hard sometimes to go through the valley and be willing to if it is the Lord's will. Have you heard that song by Ginny Owens "If you want me too" I have kinda clung to that song. Knowing that this is NOT the path I would have chosen, but if it is God's will then I want to willingly go through the valley and through the fire and hope that it makes me a more pure vessel and that it can draw me closer to the Lord and lean on him more and reach the goal of making heaven my home. The minister who did Lily's service told us "You have to look at things spiritually, cause that is the only way that it can make sense. To the flesh and the carnal mind it will never make sence." It is so true. And he knows from experiece...he lost his little baby girl 21 years ago. We have to walk in the spirit and then we will not fufill the lust of the flesh. Which is, the flesh wants us to be overcome with sorrow and bad thoughts. It is hard to find that balance, between greiving enough, but not letting oursleves be overcome and feel totally depressed and discouraged, cause that will lead to all the questioning and wondering why God allowed this to happen. I hope that you are finding peace in your days. The one month mark was hard for me, and here I am already almost to the 3 month mark. I have stopped counting it by weeks now. Which is kinda nice. At first I was like every Wendsday I was like "ok she would be ____ weeks old. Now it is just a monthly thing. But still soooooo hard. You continue to be in my prayers. And my heart aches along with yours.
Your faithfulness endures always
Where mountains fall
and reason fails
And You calm the raging seas
And You calm the storms in me, again
All I know is I find rest in You
All I know is I find rest in You
My heart will praise
throughout the night
Where singing seems a sacrifice
Your grace is all I need
Your grace is all I need
All I know is I find rest in You
All I know is I find rest in You
-Hillsong United
Continuing to lift you and Kurt in our prayers....
Love
Julie
Heavenly Father,
I'm in love with your goodness. As Kendall enjoys the quiet but wishes for her baby's cries I too enjoy the sounds of my children and wish for silence. But Lord you know that through the trial you've given to Kurt & Kendall I don't wish for silence like I used to. Your wisdom is perfect. You knew what I needed. And though I am so sad for their loss and the heartache they endure I know you're using it for the good of so many of your children - even me. Thank you for being true to your self and faithful to your promises. You've filled me with unspeakable joy because I know and therefore love you more. Please Lord, continue to shower your mercy on the Manz family by letting them "see" you more, "feel" you more, and know you more. You are the King!!!
K & K,
You are precious vessels of our God's unending grace and faithfulness. This Thanksgiving I'm thankful for YOU. Sometimes I wonder why this happened...but then you write another post and I can see Him..I can see the beauty in your hearts because of His power changing you daily. He's conforming you to the image of His Son! It's amazing! Be encouraged.
I love you both!
Laurie
Post a Comment