Fingers Closing!

Today we ended up going for a stat (ie: "sooner than the health care system usually works") ultrasound because I've been having some pretty heavy bleeding. My apologies to anyone for whom that is "too much information", but it is essential to the story - I promise. :-D
I've been concerned mostly because I had no idea what to expect in the time following birth. Not only have I never had a baby before, but I didn't follow the regular "recovery" regimen afterward: mainly breastfeeding - which helps shrink the uterus back down to normal size by continuing contractions. And Kurt - who is normally concerned - was doubly concerned because of mine.
Anyway, yesterday the doctor arranged for me to get the ultrasound to make sure there weren't any "retained products of conception" which means 'tiny pieces of placenta'. If there is anything left in there, the uterus can't get back to where it is supposed to be - and a woman can bleed, and bleed, and bleed... I'm sure you get the point.
This morning I woke up with some major attacks on my faith. As I lay in bed, I could imagine going there and having them say, "There's placenta present - you need a D&C (uterine scrape - not good for future conceptions) immediately." Or, "Your bleeding will never stop - a hysterectomy is the only option."
On one hand I could tell myself they were just "silly" thoughts. On the other, my perspective on things that are unlikely to happen has changed drastically. We've had unimaginable news given to us in a situation that was just supposed to be a check-up... and I found myself thinking, "I don't know what I'll do if I can never conceive again - never feel a baby move inside me. Please don't do this to me, Lord!" Even considering that our future could be childless after having been so close filled me with paralyzing anxiety. I hate worrying - it never accomplishes anything! But it was so hard to get away from today.
So I found myself fighting the fear and sadness - and all manner of unpleasant things as I waited for the ultrasound. There was another lady there who was a real chatty gal. And yes - I am 'understating'... chuckle. :) She kept going on and on to her husband about all the people that were pregnant at the same time as her, and spring babies, and all the parts of pregnancy that she was enjoying, or not... and I just stared out the window and thought, "Please, please just be quiet."
I've heard that anger is often just displaced sadness... but sometimes it is just plan-old ugly anger... and I had to do some serious repenting. How many times have I displayed joy without being aware of other's around me? How often was I oblivious to other's pain - perhaps even on the days we went for our happier ultrasounds?
When we got to have the ultrasound - with the same technician who had done our last one - the memories were just like a ton of bricks falling on me. I stared at the ceiling remembering how I eagerly watched the screen before looking for little hands and feet - and how thrilled we were to see Autumn suck her thumb and yawn at the 30-week mark.
Yes, it was hard to be reminded of the times we were there and how we had the same excitement and anticipation... and how naive we were about the possibility of anything going wrong. Just like the other girl. But I am glad for her that she was happy about her pregnancy - because truthfully, I understand that thrill.
I just sorrow for me. My wants. My goals. My desires.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone else... but I just miss our baby girl. I want another baby to fill my empty arms - and today the battle is particularly hard to not make that my idol - the source of my happiness. My fingers have been so close to crushing the butterfly today... and I'm praying the Lord gives me strength to deal with whatever comes across our path - to keep my hands open and my heart calm. I don't want my faith to be in my circumstances - I want it to be in who my Lord is.
The good news is that there isn't any obvious problems - so this is probably just "that time of the month" which gives us both relief. My system is kinda screwy - but it seems to be trying to get back to normal... so I'm thanking the Lord for that in a huge way.
Also, I've been reminded of friends and family who are also going through some hard stuff today, so Kurt and I are praying for them... I'm sure you know who you are. :)
Anyway - thanks to everyone reading - and for your continued prayers. I'm so convinced that the Lord uses them to get me through these exact kind of situations - plus the day-to-day struggles. I look forward to the pain not being quite so acute or sudden - and I do trust that will happen, too.
So - deep breath and a smile - that's been November 27th (so far) in a nutshell, everyone! :)