Coping...

In so many ways this last week has been like a dream.
(Nana - my mom.)
There have been such dark, dark places where I've felt nothing but my heart hurting and my body aching with the knowledge that my little one is gone. There is a roaring in my ears, and tension in my back and neck... I would not be good at chronic pain. (chuckle)
(Grampa - Kurt's dad.)
BUT - and this is a big one - God has been so merciful in the middle. :) Monday was so surreal. I was awakened by my husband's sobs - and our big dopey dog trying to jump on the bed (a strict no-no!) to comfort him. Giggles in the midst of trying to wipe our noses and reprimand Oscar... but a huge relief to have something pull us away from that edge of despair. :) Speaking of whom: Oscar hardly knows what to do these days. He knows we are sad, but he doesn't know what is missing... I've had his bone dropped on my lap so many times as he tries to play with me and make me feel "happy". I guess he thinks the bone does it for him... giggle. :) He also cries with us: whimpers and wags his tail and tries to lick away the tears. Annoying - but we've had so many sobs interrupted with laughter by him... what a blessing. :)
(Gramma - Kurt's mom.)
We were covered with love by so many: friends bringing food, flowers, hugs - and the tears which helped spread out our grief.
And the emails and blog replies - my goodness people! :)
We're so wonderfully overwhelmed! You will never know - because I know I never did on the "comforter" side - what strength God gives us through you. I want so badly to reach out to everyone who has reached out to us and acknowledge each personally with a smile - to comfort you with the knowledge that you are helping us... but Kurt limits the amount of time he wants me to spend on that and says, "Good thing you started that blog, then." (lol)
Every time we've told the story of our baby there is a sense of "Yes - it really did happen. She's real." Deep down - that has been my fear. That I will forget her. That I would end up just "moving on" and progressing as though nothing has happened. My stomach has shrunk, and my ankles are skinny - and my toes look like they've grown (read all my previous posts to hear of my ankle/toe woes) ... and on Monday there was no evidence of my milk coming in. And, in the moments after everyone was gone on Monday I hugged her afghan and wept - because I had talked about her all day - but hadn't had the chance to think about her. I want to cry. I want to feel my body say, "Where is that baby you've been getting ready for?"
But people are saying to me, "Later - you'll feel her loss. Your arms will ache to hold her." They are trying to caution me about what lies ahead... and instead it worrying me, I praise God! I'm filling with milk - and it hurts - (dang-it! chuckle) - but I'm so happy because our baby - our Autumn - is on my mind every time I move. Funny - these small smiles perk me up so deeply.
There are so many mercies in the midst of this grief.
The time we got to spend holding her - it grows more precious the further away from Sunday we move. The pictures we took - not even realizing in the middle of all that how vaulable they would be because that is all we have left of her.
The knowledge that God knows where she is - and I'm not supposed to worry about that.
God's character is not changed by this act... he is the same God who gave us 9 precious months of joy... and they were precious! :)
The pain of labor: I never got the chance to cry about the "should have beens"... Autumn came so fast and so hard that there was no mourning my so-called milestones. :)
The empathy of the staff... including my coworkers who grieved with us.
Kurt and I being able to support one another: when I am low he holds me, and when he weeps, I can be amazed at this strong, gentle, wonderful man God has given me... and he seems to get a blessing out of my feeble attempts to comfort him. :)
The ability to touch my toes again... actually - the ability to see my toes again. :) Leading to...
My mother and Gramma coming in to take me out for a pedicure today... :)
Crying with Baba & Gydo and Auntie Kathy... finally going in the nursery to look at the rocking chair and the crib and bassinet... and being "okay" with her never using them.
Auntie Bev's wonderful soup! Wow - talk about comfort food! :)
Looking at Autumn's pictures with her grandparents... other than us, no one else feels her loss so acutely. I'm so blessed they got time with her!
(Papa - my daddy.)
Do I understand why God has done this? Not at all. But I do know the end of of all things will be for His glory - and He is gracious enough to make sure that includes my good. I know that end will not change even though the path our lives have taken is so different from what we had planned. God always told us the end of the story: he just never reveals what paths we'll take to get there - probably good for someone as weak as me. :)
So my prayer is to keep the faith - not a "crutch", not a fairy-tale that I've invented to help me cope - but the faith that not one part of his original plan has changed. To act according to what I know... which means not despairing of life. Because really: where else would I go? If this life were all there were for me - then what is worth living for? But knowing - knowing - there is a purpose... God is not arbitrary. Nor random and cruel... He gave His son for me so that this life on earth would have purpose... Oh - I hope you can all understand this! I am truly filled with peace. Like Autumn - had she lived - would have slept in our arms without fear of us dropping her... I am convinced that I am held - and tighter and more securely than I would have ever held my daughter. :)
People tell us we are such a light. Oh dear friends: I would not have chosen to shine this way! But our faithful God... who we know loves us... has taken us by the hand and led us to the top of the hill to shine. And just as my heart cries, "Jesus - I can't do this! I miss my baby so much!" He holds me in his arms and reminds me that He is the one who is shining - I have only to cling to Him. :) If you see strength, or hope, or joy in us at this time - it is because He is real.
Thanks again for all your love -
Kurt & Kendall