One Week Later...

Friday was so much better than it could have been. Although I woke up with one of the most severe headaches I've had yet, when I cried out to my God he gave me the strength to get through the day. I was able to shower, write what I wanted to say for Autumn, and still look half-presentable for the task before us. The clothes that I had picked out fit (amazing because I am between sizes in a way I've never experienced before...), and I was able to wear closed-toe shoes for the first time in months. And I was glad, because it was really cold out!

To walk into that church and see all the people who wanted to mourn with us - oh - my heart was so grateful to God! Friends, coworkers, family... I wish I could have hugged all of you - and although I said thanks from the front, and talked briefly to some of you at the lunch, it doesn't seem adequate. People who flew just to be with us as we said goodbye to Autumn... I can't thank you enough! Truly - there are no words to express what your tears and hugs mean to us.

The songs we sang were gifts: I wanted to stand and shout, "I trust you, Lord!" and the songs did that for me. My brother, Kiley, sang a song for Autumn and that touched my heart deeply. I had wanted to sing for her - but wasn't sure I would be able to get through... so God moved my brother to do that for me. I am so grateful.

I was so blessed to hear Murray speak. He said exactly what we wanted to have said. This world is fallen - broken and futile. God is so merciful and kind - and while he does not guarantee our security in earthly terms... He has secured a future for those who will believe in His Son. This is our hope! This is the God I cling to even as my heart is broken and my tears fall... He is not changed by His actions - but these events have driven me to hold onto him with a desperation I never could have imagined before.

And in so doing - I am more convinced of His goodness than I ever could have been had everything proceeded according to my wishes. His hands have broken me... but I know that someday I will kiss them in thankfulness. When His word says that the sufferings of this world are not worthy to be compared with the glories to come... I think, "Wow - that must be some kind of glory!" because He doesn't lie or even exaggerate. He is not stringing me along to laugh at me when I fall on my face in some sort of cruel practical joke. He does not tell me to act as though my daughter's death does not affect me in a false sense of martyrdom... but he does ask me to show the world how beautiful Christ is as I rejoice in Him while in the depths of sorrow. So that is all I am doing: crying and burying my face on Jesus' gentle shoulder. He knows I am weak, weary and heavy laden - but my soul is resting in the knowledge that he does all things well. I cannot get myself through this - but he is powerful and will carry me through the pain.

After the lunch, we drove out to Leask to bury our daughter. On the way there, Kurt and I listened to a CD we had made to play overhead when people were entering the church before the funeral. They are songs we've always liked - and yet God, by these events - has caused us to love the words even more. The CD label is Autumn's Songs... and her uncle Cody burned it for us. Avalon sings a song called "You Were There" and I find that my trust in God is strengthened each time I hear it. Faith doesn't 'make sense'... and yet the power of trusting God is not so much the knowing how things will end - as knowing the strength and wisdom and kindness of the One who orchestrates and brings about events.

Being at the graveyard was so hard. What a petite little casket for such a tiny little girl... I was not expecting to be so broken by seeing it and knowing she was "in there". My heart hurt so much - worse than knowing we were leaving her at the hospital was placing her in the ground. Kurt and I chose to have her buried in a little sleeper that says Mommy's Girl and a blanket that her Gramma Manz made for her. Although I know she is not "there"... it makes me feel better, as her Mommy, to think of her little body swaddled in a warm and cozy blanket made with love.
Kurt got to help lower her casket into the ground with his brother and my two brothers. It was good for him to be able to help place her there... and a final act he could do to care for his little girl with his brothers beside him. For this, I am also grateful. I went up to the hole later and looked at the resting place of my baby, and as tears ran down my face I knew - knew - that God was giving me strength to walk away and not simply fall to the ground and pound it in frustration and helplessness.

We've been "hiding out" at mom and dad's since Friday. Our house - although never having had Autumn there - is still full of memories and I've needed some down time before we face all that. Today I woke with tears - knowing it has been a week since I've held my baby and that our life without her is just starting... but as we sat in mom and dad's living room and talked about the week - and the blessings we've received - I was able to move beyond the raw sorrow and self-pity. Praise God. :)

Please keep praying for us. My physical health is not something I am used to being concerned about - but this back and neck tension is overwhelming. My husband is resting well at night - but is understandably weary... and I feel badly leaning on him for too long. That said, I have to be aware that it is his desire to take care of me and it isn't something I should take away from him. Such a fine balance to maintain. :) I am still overcome with tears as I think about what she would be looking like after a week, or how chubby she would have been with all this nice milk I'm producing... (chuckle) or how good it would feel to hold her - but what a consolation that God knows loss and pain, too...

He is using you in ways you cannot imagine to minister to our hearts. We thank Him for you all.
In Christ,
Kurt & Kendall