Our Baby

First, we have to say a huge thank you to all who have dropped off cards, letters, flowers, sent emails and replied to our blog post or asked for prayer for us on your blogs. We are humbled at the grace and love others have shown to us over the last days... we're praising God for all of you.
First of all our daughter's vital statistics:

Autumn Elizabeth Lee Manz entered the world at 6:31 am, October 21st, 2007. She is named in honor of both her Great Gramma White and her Nana... she was to have been the 4th generation on my side of the family.
Length: 20 inches
Weight: 7 pounds, 5 ounces
Her hair is dark brown with a hint of auburn, although her brows and lashes are a fine blond color. Her eyes - when opened gently - are a soft, rich blue. They reminded me of a kitten's - never having been exposed to the light, they were a tad fuzzy - but so huge! She has her mommy's nose and cheeks, and her daddy's lips and chin. The perfect mix of both of us. According to her daddy, she also has mommy's "stubborn forehead"... whatever that means! :)

There is no other way to say it: this time has been so hard for us. We are parents of a beautiful little daughter... and it was such a gift to hold her and touch her. She is absolutely perfect: with no physical defects other than skin that was starting to dry and a head that was shaped by the path "out"... and as we held her and looked at her the suspicion was that she would suddenly take a big breath... but that was not to be. And the gift of yesterday was that we were able to hear babies crying next door as we held our dead daughter and feel joy for their families instead of envy or bitterness.
God allowed me to suffer - quite so! - for a short time as my labor progressed extremely rapid... from 3 to 10 centimeters in one hour! But for the last hour I was able to have a perfect epidural and be not only aware of all that was going on - but remembering and experiencing it without the mind-numbing pain that characterized the first 4 hours. The only hard part of the epidural: having the sensation that I needed to push as the nurse, anesthesiologist and Kurt all said, "Don't move!" :) There was minimal tearing and therefore the need for minimal repairs, and I was able to hold her immediately after her daddy had his first go... and then came my tears - along with more of Kurt's, the nurse's, and our doctor's. As she (our nurse) left for shift change, I grabbed her hand and said, "Thank you for crying with us" which made her choke up again... but to have other's grieve with us was such a neat experience. It added value to our loss and showed preciousness of Autumn - that even strangers would mourn the loss of her tiny little life.

She was (amazingly) still very pink, and so soft and warm to our touch. I thought that pushing out our child who would never cry out-loud would be agony: pain both physically and emotionally... and yet God gave us such grace even in that! It was so peaceful, so gentle - and when our doctor told us "You have a beautiful little... (big pause) girl." We looked at each other with smiles: at last we knew her name! :)

Oh Autumn: we waited so long for you! My precious little girl! Your little heels kicking my ribs gave me such delight - and the knowledge that God was there when you left us allowed me to still delight in their perfection rather than agonize over the futility of perfect little feet that will not serve their purpose. The truth is that you will never toddle towards me with clumsy-little steps. Your eyes will never light up as you recognize me or your daddy. Your tiny fingers will not learn to tie your own shoes. You will never learn to write your beautiful name - which suits you so - in childish letters, or draw me pictures that cover my fridge.. :) You will never say "mommy" or "daddy"... but today... holding you and understanding that you were and are real made that okay. Because you are such a gift!
I know we'll fight to maintain joy: and sometimes (probably even often!) we will stumble... but you will also be our baby for all time. The child we will never have to worry about. If God give us other children, we will be able to tell them, "Your big-sister Autumn made mommy and daddy able to love God so much more - and give you more love than would have been possible had she not existed."
Some members of our family were able to come and spend the morning with us: able to cuddle and hold Autumn and that gave Kurt and I the feeling of not being alone. A reason to reach out to others: to consider other's grief as well as our own. So thanks, family! God used you to keep us happy today - and to save us from a spiral into indescribable pain with no hope. :) Kurt, in particular, who had waited all these months to hold her, got to spend hours just sitting and rocking his little girl until he had his fill. My only grief is that his "daddy time" was over with Autumn almost before it began... and that is something I put before my Lord with a quiet sob.

The nursing staff were so compassionate! God chose to give us two nurses who also had stillborn babies in the past. Their empathy was so real and tangible that there was no doubt they would do anything to help us through this. They took her measurements, clipped a lock of hair for us - took her foot and hand-prints and encouraged us to spend as much time as we wanted to Autumn. Not only that, but He also allowed the baby-boom to slow for one day: and we were able to spend unlimited time with our family first, and then by ourselves with Autumn in the room she was born in - nearly 12 hours from start to finish. What a kind God! :)

So for all who have been praying for Kurt and I over the last few days, and continue to do so: we cannot express our thankfulness with mere words! By your prayers, we have been given the strength by God to do what was unthinkable only 3 days ago: come home without our precious baby... and still smile - for real. :)
His grace alone helps us to stand... and we want to seek after more of it as the shock and uniqueness of these days wears off and we must face a new future without Autumn as we had dreamed.
Kurt is exhausted - he did an amazing job of giving me strength while still letting me and others see his grief. I love him more than I ever have and am filled with wonderment as I have seen him truly become a man who signifies strength and graciousness. He has borne more than many do in a lifetime in these past days - and Christ shone through him as I heard him cry out to God with pain and then smile for this opportunity to suffer for His sake. :)
I am physically drained and sore beyond anything I have ever experienced (even with the epidural). We both need to rest - and yet do not want to become inward focused and depressed. That risk is very real. Even tonight, after everyone had left, we wandered around the house thinking, "Now what?" So please continue to pray for us until this week is done in particular. We want Autumn's funeral to be a place of joy and God's glory and we know that will still require more of us - which will require more of God's strength. Fortunately, the Giver can give in a limitless way and never run out. :)
Thanks everyone.
Much love -
Kurt & Kendall